10 Reasons the Yankees Will Beat Cleveland (Number 8 will BLOW YOUR MIND!)

1. The world's most feared streaker - (aside from Randy Levine; seriously, nobody wants to see that) - is heating up. I'm referring to Aaron Judge. If he goes thermonuclear, a thinking opponent has no recourse but to walk him, intentionally, time after time. But Cleveland won't do that, because the city is comprised of stubborn, couch-born, post-industrial pugs, who have barely shifted a pillowy butt-cheek since the invention of the TV remote. If Judge hurts them - think of a mouse in a Skinner box, nosing a red button and getting shocked - their response will be to simply push the button harder - generating more electrical jolts. Expect an input-output feedback loop of Judgian homers, some of which will land in Canada.

2. The Girardi Sequence - a little-understood mathematical progression with a precise and terrifying clarity for predicting the future - clearly favors the Yankees. Yes, I realize that this magical numbers stuff runs contrary to the First Iron Law of Sterling. Nevertheless, behold the Sequence since September 1. Here are Yankee games - wins/losses in red/blue. The next four games are extrapolated in gray:

Loss. Win. Blowout.  Blowout. Loss. Win. CLUNKER. Win. Blowout. Blowout.  Loss. Win. Blowout. Blowout. Blowout. Blowout. Loss. Win. Win. Blowout. CLUNKER. Blowout. Blowout. Blowout. CLUNKER. Blowout. Win. CLUNKER. WILD CARD WIN. (Blowout.) (CLUNKER) (Win.) (DIVISIONAL SERIES BLOWOUT.)

As anyone can see, after the Yankees lose a game, they then win the next two or three. They lost the last game of the regular season, then rebounded to win the Wild Card. The Girardi Sequence tells us they will win game one against Cleveland, then lose game two. Then they will roll through the best of five. Listen: This is not something I'm making up. This is no delusion. This is The Fucking Sequence, people. Do not try to override The Sequence. 

3. CC Sabathia has a long term score to settle. You know how in Game of Thrones, Arya Stark is always scraping somebody off her personal vendetta list from 10 years ago? That's CC. And let's remember something: He did not walk away from Cleveland; those ungrateful, bastard, brewery-jockeys dealt him to Milwaukee like a 10-cent yard sale dinner plate. They obtained three pugs and Michael Brantley, whom they showcased for five years like a best-in-show beagle. So it's time for CC/Arya to show Cleveland his trusty knife. 

4. Recent Octobers have served as discovery events for certain great players who, until then, hadn't been fully appreciated. Think: Madison Bumgarner, Ben Zobrist, etc. This year's perfect candidate is Didi Gregorius, who is simply the best shortstop in the AL, period. I am soooo sick and tired of hearing about the Cooperstown-bound Xander Bogartes that I'm not even bothering to spellcheck his name. This is Didi's October. Best Yankee shortstop in the last six years.

5. Our vaunted, billion dollar bullpen might actually be peaking. I'm not yet ready to christen it the best of the remaining eight teams, but if Dellin Betances is on his game - well, damn - yeah, it's the best, by far. (And if Dellin is off - and I mean this sincerely - best of luck to the batter he beans.) Generally, one rule of October is that the team with the best bullpen wins. Jeez, that could be us.

6. I still like Masahiro Tanaka in critical situations. He was a legendary big-game pitcher in Japan. He's been up and down in 2017, and he might opt-out of his Yankee contract next winter. If so, these will be his last games in pinstripes - Hal has had enough of contract extensions, and I don't blame him - and I believe the good Tanaka will show up in the next week, if only to make us miss him. 

7. Cleveland peaked three weeks ago. It was September. Remember? Back to school? It's damn tricky, sledding a team of dogs through the Klondike with nothing but a can of Alpo and your trusty whip. I think Terry Francona miscalculated the trip and went to the nitrous oxide too early. Now, he's going to the can, and there's nothing there. But they'll always have that winning streak, right?

8. LeBron James is a Yankee fan. Everybody knows this. He might pretend to favor Cleveland, but he'll be living a lie. He roots for the Yankees. This is a dagger into the heart of any city - to have your most famous person, your most beloved citizen, rooting for your opponent. On an internal, psychic level, the Indians are facing juju death. It's like dying in your dreams, which everybody knows - from Nightmare on Elm Street - is fatal.  

9. The Yankees are not supposed to win this year. It's supposed to happen in 2018 or 2019. Not this year. As a result, we are playing with house juju. 

10. Ronald Torreyes knows how to lay down a bunt. He may be the only Yankee with that particular storm-born skill. Write this down: At some point over the next few games, Torreyes will be called upon to do the most unimaginable act for a Yankee: To lay one down. He will do it, and the Yankees will manufacture a run out of nothingness. Imagine that. A run out of nothingness.

Yankees in four. - 30 -