Next Yankee manager? He needs to wear the Golden Thong!

First, let's be real here: Nobody cares who we think should be "next Yankee managerial pariah." It's Brian "Cooperstown" Cashman's decision, and unless he is rappelling down a building in an elf costume, his next move is impossible to gauge. That's why we generally avoid the dreary, timeworn blogger game of proposing trades. Yeah, it's fun to be 14 again, and imagine getting Willie Mays for Roger Repoz and Ross Moschitto, but it's a waste of beery brain cells. When it comes to running the Yankees, Cashman operates like the CIA, and we'll be lucky if the documents on last summer's Robertson, Frazier & Kahnle deal are released in 2047, by then-President Tiffany Trump. You cannot predict baseball, Suzyn. Nor can you predict Cooperstown Cashman.

Thus, consider this for what it is: A dry-drunk Yankee rant, which will be forgotten unless for some reason, it hits the jackpot. Then, for the rest of your miserable lives, you will hear me blather about having predicted the next Yankee manager: Mr. Jason Gilbert Giambi of West Covina, California.

Really, predicting the Yankee manager is a crap shot full of blank cartridges. Have any of us ever met Trey Hillman or Jay Bell? Does anybody know Rob Thomson? I personally wouldn't recognize Al Pedrique if he turned out to be the barefoot stoner on acid who hitched with me to Daytona for spring break. They are names on a chart. And here is the chart, based on some ridiculous Vegas betting odds. (Truth be told, Cashman will - just to be Cashman - probably hire somebody not on this list.) But here goes anyway...

I believe the next Yankee manager must be smart, media-savvied, charming at times, relatively young (mid-40s), tough, with previous experience in NY, with a slight crazy streak, with the ability to seduce Suyzn Waldman (if necessary), and with the size and presence to physically beat the shit out of anybody in the clubhouse. If you notch all those characteristics, the list looks like this:

I could be off here. (I think Mattingly could take out Betances in a pinch, but I could be wrong.) Still, I hereby propose Giambi, age 46, as the man who could run the Yankees for the next 10 years. From his earliest days, when he carried the Oakland A's to divisional championships, to his incredible roller-coaster ride with the Yankees, Giambi has seen it all. He remains a larger than life presence. He can be crude, he can be emotional, he can scream at umps and he fire up a team and - I'm not alone here - he could be the next great major league manager. 

Terry Francona, four years ago, when Giambi was with the Indians, put it this way:

I'd be lying if I said he's not special. … I've already gone to him two or three times with questions about things. It's just the way he is. He's a manager-in-waiting.

Of course, there is one major knock on Giambi: No managerial experience. He would literally be assuming the toughest job in baseball, with the most expectations of any manager in baseball, and never have even done it before. Talk about hitching to Daytona on acid? He'd be lucky to end up in Branson, Missouri. But look at the others on that list: Thomson, Hillman, Ibanez, Naehring (who apparently has taken himself out of the competition). They too have no previous experience. I say, with a solid bench coach (John Sterling, maybe?), who knows?

If the Yankees want to rev up their fan base, with the exception of Mattingly and, of course, A-Rod, I cannot imagine anyone more exciting than Giambi. And yeah, I'm probably seeing him through the same rose-colored glasses that I wear for Clint Frazier and Tyler Wade. But with a wave of young Yankees  launching (we hope) great careers, how about a young manager, too? Besides, I can think of no better person to run the team than someone in command of a magical Golden Thong. Wouldn't such a mystical garment have helped Aaron Judge last August? Remember this... from May 2008.

GIAMBI'S GOLDEN THONG

On days when drives are flying long,
And pitchers wonder what’s gone wrong?
The Bronx winds sing this joyous song:
“Giambi’s in his golden thong!”
.
Each swing reveals Giambi’s might,
Each wince inspires his mates to fight,
They know too well his painful plight:
One ball hangs left, one ball hangs right.

He leads the veteran team attack,
True courage, he shall never lack!
He eyes the pitch, then takes his whack
As golden threads ascend his crack.

Then comes the time when life turns wrong,
When wins grow short, and losses long,
And Bronx winds sing their saddest song:
“Giambi’s lost his golden thong!”