Tonight's game should go five hours, longer the better

Last time we faced Justin Upton-Verlander, we were the Astros and they were the New York Yankees. We played the upstarts, outsmarted at every turn, and they were the resurrected veterans, patiently showing the world how it's done. They won every ump's call, beat every close play by a micrometer, and won after we botched a throw to the plate that would be routine for the Double A Binghamton Rumble Ponies. They deserved to win both the game and the league series, and we sure as hell deserved the Fiery, Hairy Radish Pineapple of Defeat (FHRPD - as in, to be "firped.")

Last time we faced Juston, Aaron Judge looked like a popped media balloon, the baseball equivalent of Yahoo Serious. (Think of a 6'7" Megyn Kelly.) He couldn't lay off curves in the dirt, which so befuddled him that pitchers weren't even bothering to throw them anymore, fanning him on juicy fastballs down the pipe. When Judge came up, Yank fans dreamed of a walk. The notion of Judge v. Altuve seemed a cringe-worthy comparison, and shrieking voices, mine included, called for him to bat sixth or seventh.

Last time we played Verlander - six nights ago - the Yankiverse was a tired, queasy continuum, resigned to approaching snowstorms and the next mass shooting. We pleaded with the fates for one measly victory, with the implied understanding that if none was forthcoming, we'd prefer a quick kill shot - anything but one of those drip-drip torture chamber losses that the Yankees often firped on us during the regular season.  

Last time we faced Verlander - a borderline Hall of Famer, if he knits together a few more good seasons - we couldn't score two fucking, goddamn, shit-ass, cock-sucking, jizz-licking, fuck-me firping runs. (Sorry about that; something came over me.) We let a 34-year-old geezer go nine - throwing 124 pitches, five more than his longest previous outing in 2017. Obviously, Kate Upton has not been wearing him out. (Neither did Boston, the week earlier, when he threw 40.) 

Listen: Baseball players have the life spans of your pet beagle. Some last 15 to 20 great years. Some get hit by the garbage truck after six months. But old baseball players are not dogs: They can learn new tricks. That's why CC Sabathia is still effective: He isn't too old to learn. Clearly, Verlander falls in that category too. Thus, tonight, he will be on us with mystical old-guy voodoo shit. Whatever he did last time, he won't do it again.

So tonight, we must be the veteran team. Tonight, the Yankees need to take pitch after pitch after pitch. We need 10 pitch at-bats, not 10-pitch innings. This series, Houston's bullpen has five pitchers with ERA's at 9.00 or higher, and that includes their all-star closer. Imagine a bullpen half-full of bad Betanceses; that's what they have. But... two pitchers, McHugh and Gregerson, have thrown zeros at us. If Verlander tires - and there is no reason why he should get there beyond the seventh - that's who we will see. This game needs to last a long time. Buy your five-hour energy shots now. Or - better - load up on bath salts.

Tonight, we need to outsmart the veteran. We've done it before. And make no mistake: This series needs to end tonight. Otherwise, we've committed another mistake worthy of the Binghamton Rumble Ponies: We'll have celebrated too soon.