Friday, August 8, 2014

Pssst ... el Duque, stop it! You're going to blow Yankee fan Kate Upton's cover!!

Dear el Duque,

You must watch what you are doing on that blog, buddy. By posting that photo of Kate Upton in the Yankees cap, you are coming perilously close to BLOWING KATE'S COVER!!!

Do you not realize that she IS a Yankee fan, the most loyal kind ... willing to take one for the team (really take one for the team).

To understand the plan, let's play word association.

Kate Upton=Cameron Diaz
Justin Verlander=Alex Rodriguez

Getting the picture now?

El Duque, she's a DOUBLE AGENT! While she secretly longs to pick up one of El Capitan's gift baskets, she's sacrificing that to do something much more important ... distract and destroy Verlander.

Remember how A-Rod tanked when Cameron Diaz was feeding him popcorn and acting all gaga over him? He went down the tubes into an infernal hellhole from which he has yet to emerge. Kate, devout Yankees fan, looked at what Diaz did and said "I can do that, too!"

Normally, that would mean targeting the redsocks. But Kate's brilliant baseball mind deduced that the redsocks would be a mere shell of what they once were, so she turned her charms to the greatest threat out there ... the Tigers and their leader, Verlander.

The plan went into action. And guess what ... it's working!! Have you not sen Verlander's stats this season? The great and mighty Cy Young winner is 10-10 with a 4.57 ERA and a 1.40 WHIP (that's WHIP, in capitals, which is a baseball stats term, not whip, in lowercase, which is what Kate uses on him).

10-10, 4.57, 1.40.

Look at these stats and guess the pitcher:

11-8, 4.01, 1.25.

You know who that pitcher is? Phil Hughes.

Phil Fucking Hughes!!!

Just stop and think about that, el Duque. Kate Upton has single-handedly turned Justin Verlander into the kind of pitcher that looks at Phil Hughes and becomes envious!!

She is doing God's work, el Duque. She came through in the clutch in the recent series, helping the Yankees BEAT Verlander! And before you say, "but he only alowed 2 runs," remember ... this is the 2014 Yankees offense we're talking about. Two runs is the equivalent of 5-6 from most teams.

Of course, the Yankees need to somehow make the playoffs and win that one-game wildcard contest to get in a position to take advantage of her grand plan. By that time, Verlander should be nothing but a whimpering mound of mush (think Ed Whitson) ready to be crushed in the postseason by the opportunistic Yankees.

A tall order and a great risk to young miss Upton. But a risk she was willing to take. For us!

She deserves our gratitude and respect. And, if her longshot plan happens to work ... a couple of gift baskets from The Captain.

So, el Duque, whatever you do, don't blow her cover. And, under NO circumstances, let anyone see this e-mail I'm sending you now. That could blow the whole thing.

Yours in Baseball,



BernBabyBern said...

Oh, crap. I posted that instead of e-mailing it, didn't I?

Damn these infernal typewriter boxes with the TV screens attached! I can never figure out what does what.

joe de pastry said...

I already thought she was perfect, now she's shown herself to be even better than that. I better stop thinking about her before I experience what Borat would call a liquid explosion.

Local Bargain Jerk said...

This whole thread plus people's comments are killing me.

Plus we get to look at that picture.

El Duque, we look forward to your illustrated reply.

el duque said...

Don't worry. I just deleted it

Ken of Brooklyn said...

My wife caught me ogling this post > "Hey, who is THAT?!" Oh Hi honey, umm, cough,,,,, well,,,,that's Hiroki Karota!

Joe De P, I second that emotion!

Anonymous said...

This was an amazing post. God bless you Bern.

Parson Tom said...

fecthing in that cap!