Friday, August 29, 2014

A story too wonderful to fact-check: Jesus goes batty in Boise

Good luck in figuring this out. But, hey, any Twitter feed named "Justin Pieper" must be stone-cold accurate - and it means Team Cashman can celebrate by pulling ahead even further in the infamous Pineda-Montero trade.

I have absolutely no interest in fact-checking this story. At times, there are items simply too wonderful to fact-check. You simply go with them, and I am going with this one for several reasons:

1. It's a player fighting a scout. It's not as if Jesus was being heckled by a regular fan. At last, he would be taking out his frustration on one of those damned scouts, who have ruined his life.

2. Theoretically, the scout must have been yelling hurtful things at Jesus. For starters, that's great scouting! Secondly, what would he have been yelling: "Montero, you're still dropping your hands in the strike zone! Montero, lengthen your stride for god-sakes!" This is precious.

3. It's Jesus, ascending into the stands to tell off the scout. "You screwed me with that hitting review. If I'm dipping the shoulder, it's because I want to dip the shoulder. You don't know anything." Ahh, a golden moment.

4. Jesus brings his bat. He's not big enough already to intimidate the scout? Maybe he was going to show the scout exactly how he swings.

5. We don't know what happens next. And frankly, I don't care. My take: Jesus beat the snot out of the scout, then used the bat to clear a path to the batters box, and then homered on the next pitch, sealing his anger forever. This beats Babe Ruth calling his shot. I'm going with it. Justin Pieper would never embellish anything.


Local Bargain Jerk said...

Oh, but it gets much better...

el duque said...

Dear God, you're right.

It's one of the greatest stories ever told. Let's just say it involves an ice cream sandwich, and Jesus wasn't seeking to feed the masses with it.

Celerino Sanchez said...

Sending an ice cream sandwich to a dugout to torment an overweight player is the funniest thing I heard since Casey Stengel walked from the dugout to the mound with an umbrella and a flashlight to suggest to the umpires that the game should be stopped for rain.

Not Anonymous said...

OK we REALLY win the trade. Even if Pineda never pitches again. Hell we would have won if he never pitched at all it looks like.

JM said...

Is this another case of a young guy traded away by the Yankees whose broken heart causes him to never live up to his big-league potential? Remember Ricky Ledee?

The end of the Yahoo Sports article said to watch for the Mariners to dump Jesus. If we get him back on the cheap, does he lose weight and have his psyche restored? Or is he permanently damaged now?

Can we get him back just so he can go after the entire Yankees scouting and farm system staff with a bat?

Alphonso said...

We could use a free ice creme sandwich at a ball game. What's the issue here?