NFL players have been placed on full alert:
From now on, Tank, think twice before going bang-zoom on your wife!
Thanks to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, scores of lucky ladies can now walk their living rooms without having to fear the flash of a sudden left uppercut, or to find themselves looking up to see a jubilant sack dance performed by their enraged, 340-pound steroidal hubby, who is wondering why they didn't do the dishes.
From now on, boys, beat on the little lady, and you'll face a six-game suspension!
Yep, that's not a misprint, folks. Six games!
That's right, guys. The NFL is throwing the penalty flag at wife-beaters. That's almost a third of the season - and nearly half as much as some guys get for smoking pot!
Make no mistake: You send that lady to the E.R. room, and come next Sunday, you'll be watching the game on TV in her hospital room.