Friday, August 29, 2014

NFL launches major crackdown on wife-beating

NFL players have been placed on full alert: 

From now on, Tank, think twice before going bang-zoom on your wife!

Thanks to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, scores of lucky ladies can now walk their living rooms without having to fear the flash of a sudden left uppercut, or to find themselves looking up to see a jubilant sack dance performed by their enraged, 340-pound steroidal hubby, who is wondering why they didn't do the dishes.

From now on, boys, beat on the little lady, and you'll face a six-game suspension!

Yep, that's not a misprint, folks. Six games!

That's right, guys. The NFL is throwing the penalty flag at wife-beaters. That's almost a third of the season - and nearly half as much as some guys get for smoking pot!

Make no mistake: You send that lady to the E.R. room, and come next Sunday, you'll be watching the game on TV in her hospital room.

1 comment:

John M said...

Let's see...Goodell has blocked research into player brain damage, employed people who kept saying there was no such thing, has let guys get away with domestic abuse scot-free, and finally instates a penalty for abuse that's basically a joke.

Did anyone look into this guy for the MLB commish job? Sounds like he'd be a terrific heir to Bud 'I never knew about any steroids' Selig.