Monday, August 4, 2014
Posted by el duque at 7:24 AM
In the name of Edwar Ramirez, it's time to recognize the Yankees' growing dependency on players who sound like crazed Zambezi war chants.
The 2014 season began with Yangervis Solarte playing everywhere and, at one magnificent point, leading the American League in hitting. For about a month, the notion of a Yankee rally was merely waiting for Yangervis to come up with runners on base. Then, suddenly, the Yankee Gervis couldn't hit a ball with a ping-pong mallet. Yangervis had turned into a Gary.
We replaced him with a fellow named Zelous Wheeler, whose mouth is the size of the grillwork on a Buick LeSaber. Zelous quickly homered, replacing Yangervis in the order and vocalization guide. He did this so quickly that John Sterling couldn't even fashion a home run call around "Zelous," but had to offer "Wheels up on Wheeler," or something like that - so forgettable that I've forgotten it. A guy named Zelous comes around once in your announcing career. The Master was sleeping.
Last night, as stated above, the hero was named Esmil. I have never heard of anybody with that name. I've known Esters, Ethans, even an Esman. No Esmil. We signed him off the picker pile during the electro-haze that was Trade Deadline Day, proving once and for all that Cashman must have an electrode in his head that dings whenever someone with a weird name hits the waiver wire. We know the future of Esmil: He will pitch great, until he doesn't. Then he will become an Edwar or - worse - an Ed.
The real question is, do we have more no-name names stashed in the coal mines?
Yes, we do.
At Scranton-Wilkes Barre - which, if you close your eyes and say it aloud, is sort of a funny name - we have Antoan Richardson and Adonis Garcia. I know what you're thinking: Adonis is not quite crazy enough. Well, it's a still name worthy of a character to be played by The Rock in his next beefcake movie. But you're right: A real wacko name should be total gibberish.
It would be great if we had a Zorbig, a Klabah or a Blandorf. Sadly, we don't. And that makes me feel - well - glabbish.
Nevertheless, if Esmil collapses, we do have a pitcher named Edgmer Escalona. Also, there is always Zolio Almonte and Corban Joseph, though both have been around so long, we've forgotten how strange their names sound.
I say all this because the Yankees are about to start a four-game series against Detroit. Their rotation features three recent Cy Young winners - a David, a Justin and a Max. To beat those kinds of names, you need a stream of vowels and consonants that summon the juju gods up from the earth.
Folks, it's getting time for another INTERNATIONAL JUJU INTERVENTION. Stay tuned.