Monday, August 4, 2014

The Year of Enuciating Dangerously: Yangervis, Zelous and now Esmil?

Last night's star, courtesy of the Brian Cashman Recylcing Scrap Yard, was a mysterious and melodious figure named "Esmil Rogers." He threw three scoreless innings against the mighty Redsocks and somehow converted a morbid Yankee defeat into - (HYPERBOLE ALERT... HYPERBOLE ALERT...) - a season-saving victory.

In the name of Edwar Ramirez, it's time to recognize the Yankees' growing dependency on players who sound like crazed Zambezi war chants.

The 2014 season began with Yangervis Solarte playing everywhere and, at one magnificent point, leading the American League in hitting. For about a month, the notion of a Yankee rally was merely waiting for Yangervis to come up with runners on base. Then, suddenly, the Yankee Gervis couldn't hit a ball with a ping-pong mallet. Yangervis had turned into a Gary.

We replaced him with a fellow named Zelous Wheeler, whose mouth is the size of the grillwork on a Buick LeSaber. Zelous quickly homered, replacing Yangervis in the order and vocalization guide. He did this so quickly that John Sterling couldn't even fashion a home run call around "Zelous," but had to offer "Wheels up on Wheeler," or something like that - so forgettable that I've forgotten it. A guy named Zelous comes around once in your announcing career. The Master was sleeping.

Last night, as stated above, the hero was named Esmil. I have never heard of anybody with that name. I've known Esters, Ethans, even an Esman. No Esmil. We signed him off the picker pile during the electro-haze that was Trade Deadline Day, proving once and for all that Cashman must have an electrode in his head that dings whenever someone with a weird name hits the waiver wire. We know the future of Esmil: He will pitch great, until he doesn't. Then he will become an Edwar or - worse - an Ed.

The real question is, do we have more no-name names stashed in the coal mines?

Yes, we do.

At Scranton-Wilkes Barre - which, if you close your eyes and say it aloud, is sort of a funny name - we have Antoan Richardson and Adonis Garcia. I know what you're thinking: Adonis is not quite crazy enough. Well, it's a still name worthy of a character to be played by The Rock in his next beefcake movie. But you're right: A real wacko name should be total gibberish.

It would be great if we had a Zorbig, a Klabah or a Blandorf. Sadly, we don't. And that makes me feel - well - glabbish.

Nevertheless, if Esmil collapses, we do have a pitcher named Edgmer Escalona. Also, there is always Zolio Almonte and Corban Joseph, though both have been around so long, we've forgotten how strange their names sound.

I say all this because the Yankees are about to start a four-game series against Detroit. Their rotation features three recent Cy Young winners - a David, a Justin and a Max. To beat those kinds of names, you need a stream of vowels and consonants that summon the juju gods up from the earth.

Folks, it's getting time for another INTERNATIONAL JUJU INTERVENTION. Stay tuned.


KD said...

If you call it, they will come. an IJJI may just get us a split with those Tigers. Without it we lose 3, or are swept, for sure.

Ken of Brooklyn said...

This is the perfect time to test out the POWER of a classic IJJI! Let's get back to basics, negative Juju and Nuju might have warped the fabric of the Yankee wormhole this year, bring it on El Duque!

Alphonso said...

Yangervis's bat is red hot again, now that he is with a new team.

Just saying.

Austria's Only Baseball Fan said...

Please let me know the date of the IJJI as soon as you can, as I am preparing for two weeks of vacation and will be dragging my laptop along with me so I can sit up in the middle of the night in a village in Bavaria (which is NOT part of Austria, by the way) and watch the games (dear god, please let them,have wireless Internet). Necessary Juju equipment may need to be packed.

As far as weird names, we have lot of them but they are all relatively easy to pronounce (Jorg, Klemens, Leopold, Sigmund, etc.), but how about... Jäger (which is a first name)? Can The Master master the Umlaut?

Local Bargain Jerk said...

Really, an IJJI now?

Toward what end? Causing us to end the season 5.5 games out vs. 7.5 games out?

My thinking is that we should more closely consider the Law of Conservation of Energy which holds that energy can be neither created nor destroyed, and can only change form. I.e., if we take our juju energy and deploy it now, at this moment, on this sorry-ass team, it won't change its form into anything useful, such as scooching us upward in the standings.

Perhaps instead of a "normal" IJJI, we should all charge our televisions at the appointed hour and direct our pent up Rizzutons toward knitting Tanaka's and Pineda's shredded tendons and other important sinew.

In other words, let's have an indirect IJJI, in which we don't attempt to influence directly the outcome of the play on the field, but rather indirectly by causing some key players to hasten their recovery, just a few steps ahead of Alphonso's black swan. The Law of Conservation of Energy tells us that the overall effect will be the same.

Just thinking out loud here, don't throw rocks...

Ken of Brooklyn said...

Hmmmm, LBJ is making ALOT of sense, I really like this idea!

Ken of Brooklyn said...

LBJ is really onto something, SiNew Juju!!!!

KD said...

Agreed. besides being cute and cuddly, LBJ has definite leadership potential.

Charles said...

splendid idea local bargain jerk.