Thursday, August 14, 2014

Open letter to the people of Boston: You're welcome

Dear Madams and Sirs, and ex-mortal enemies...

Relax. Lay down your arms. As a Yankee fan, I come in peace.

In fact, I offer my sincerest congratulations, because even though your 2014 Redsocks team fell apart, you now can live each day for that one golden moment of pure tobacco pleasure:

The Yankee box score.

Why watch Big Papi's continuing erosion, or Dustin Pedroia's latest snapped chicken bone, when you can monitor the Yankees' collapse - a tumble made even more satisfying in the knowledge that New York won't even bother to retool for next year. Nope, come winter, the Yankee front office - the same Yankee front office - will just go about its usual business, applying the same Yankee front office strategy: Sign old players at astronomical prices to long-term deals, rewarding them for their past volunteer work in smaller markets.

(Side note: Before Major League Baseball completes its long-planned corporate transition into the NFL - celebrating parity for all, and the KC Royals taking on equality with the Yankees, Dodgers, Redsocks, etc. - I hope the owners and players at least take a moment to thank the Steinbrenner family for its gracious service to the game: It's the Yankees who pay people for what they did three and four years ago at charity wages. A player could always know that, after hanging up his cleats in Arizona, he would come to New York and be compensated for his past pro bono work.)

This year, thanks to Commissioner Bud Selig, Boston fans will receive a Yankee bonus: Derek Jeter's final at-bats will not take place in New York but - of course! - in Fenway Park, where the Yankees play their final series. Unless he sits it out - and we all know that's not Jeter's style - that final Jeterian pageant of respect and admiration will happen in Boston... a brand new form of Yankee fan indignity. Start scalping your tickets now. It's free money, like fracking!

Also, as an extra bonus to you die-hard Redsock fans, check this out: MLB's official list of 2015 free agents.

Close your eyes, Bostonians, and chose from the list three future big name Yankee flops. Add 10 pounds, give them five-year deals, and shoe-horn them into pinstripes. Isn't that fun? You can picture Tori Hunter next year patrolling RF in Yankee Stadium. And look! There's Hanley Ramirez - age 32 - holding down SS with the range of a George Steinbrenner statue. No... maybe it will be Troy Tulowitski - but only after we've gutted the farm system to get him, and by then, he'll be playing with an artificial hip. Hey, Kevin Youkilis could be back from Japan! He'll have something to prove. Seriously, it's not that hard to imagine... It's something to live for in off-years, am I right?

Yes, Boston, there is a Santa Claus. He's clean-shaven... because that's the Yankee way. But we will always be there in your times of need. Remember the old days, the Curse of the Bambino? Today, it's the Curse of the Beltran...  or better yet..., the Curse of Yankee Hubris.

You're welcome.


KD said...

I am hopeful (there's that stupid word again) that The Captain will follow Mo's example. His last day on the field will be his last game at Yankee stadium. To give Jeter's last at-bats to the red socks would be an abomination, especially after they "honor" him by running a Jeter Blooper reel. You KNOW they'll do this, right?

Seriously, this would be the final insult in what has shaped up to be one lousy season.

KD said...

If our boys are still "in it" during that last series, Jeter will play, obviously.

joe de pastry said...

They should have traded Betances and Warren before Girardi wore them out. Instead of getting a young power hitter and/or a young shortstop who would make next year worth looking forward to, we'll have two more pitchers spending most of the season recovering from surgery. I didn't waste my time watching last night's game; I'm getting too old for all this aggravation.

John M said...

I'm already looking ahead to that free agent market. You know, we could get Joba AND A.J. back. Plus, Ty Wigginton is listed as a free agent at both first base and third. We can sign him to TWO bloated contracts and have him play both positions at the same time, move Tex to DH and let A-Rod spend the season picking up over-muscled chicks who sit near the dugout.

And I thought this year was fun. Oh, boy!

Anonymous said...

John, I'll give credit when due: ^^^ this was hysterical.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Isn't it amusing to anyone else that the Revel Casino Hotel Yankees Postgame Show is sponsored by business set to shutter Sept 10th? Seems to be about on schedule.

John M said...

Yeah, we'll be shuttering about then if not before.

Anon, I bow in your general direction.