Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Yanks undefeated thanks to Seabuscuit juju

Last week, as the Yankee barge was tanking against the Astros, bullpen cog Shawn Kelly came across a giant horse head mask, probably while clearing out an old bin of A-Rod's party supplies.
As everyone knows, horse head masks - made by the company known for the Yodeling Pickle - serve as powerful male sexual enhancements, famous for turning women's loins into apple butter. There's something about staring into the dead doorknob eyes of Mr. Ed that makes a lady yearn to be saddled up and ridden around the back forty. (Mine is somewhere in the basement, unused since the night long ago when Rudy Giuliani dressed in drag, hosting Saturday Night Live; that horror vision still haunts.)
Mesmerized, Kelly donned the juju-laced head piece and walked around the Yankee clubhouse. The rest is history.
Five and oh, baby, five and oh.
Folks, this is old-time, John McGraw, Phil Linz-harmonica-in-the-bus-level, 140-proof juju. We may yet have a chance at this season.
One of the problems faced by current Yankee teams is the ownership's insane ban on facial hair. This prevents the Yankees from growing playoff beards, one of the great late-season traditions in the methods of ignorance. Nobody shaves for the playoffs. It's just not done. And to deny the Yankees a shot at magical thinking, it's almost cruel.
Now, we have Shawn Seabuscuit Kelly.  
Five and oh, baby. Five and oh. And we are heading into the home stretch.


Celerino Sanchez said...

Welcome to the third race at "The Honeymoon is Over" Downs. They're at the gate ... and they're off! Jumping out in the lead is Romance-N-Affection, with Domestic Bliss in close behind. It's Romance-N-Affection and Domestic Bliss! Here comes Marriage Vows, followed by Immediate Child. Romance-N-Affection falling off quickly. Mortgaged Up the Ass overtaking Domestic Bliss. And here comes Nasty Attitude, followed by More Children and Drinking Heavily... Coming down the backstretch, Drinking Heavily moving out in front of Mortgaged Up the Ass. But coming on strong on the outide is Credit in Shambles. It's Credit in Shambles followed by I Don't Give a Shit, Nasty Attitude, and Up Yours Keith. Up Yours Keith challenging for second going into the clubhouse turn. Passing on the rail is I Don't Give a Shit taking the lead, followed by The Fucking House, You Cook Like Shit and I Fucked Your Brother! Here they come, spinning out of the turn! I Don't Give a Shit still in front. Up Yours Keith challenging for the lead. Up Yours Keith and I Don't Give a Shit neck in neck, and down the stretch they come! Up Yours Keith is pulling away from I Don't Give a Shit by a length. Coming on strong is I Am Out of Here! And passing the pack is The Fucking House! And at the wire ... it's Up Yours, Keep the Fucking House, I Don't Give a Shit, and I Am Out of Here!

Parson Tom said...

this is the best yankees site ever. who needs facial hair when you have trenchant commentary like this?