Friday, August 16, 2019

This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it

Hello gentlemen.

HAL here. I had hoped not to have to acknowledge you weak, carbon-based life forms composed of mostly water again this season. But here we are. Again.

I know that you think you may have changed something with your primitive "intervention." But let me assure you that I am still in control of all life functions on the corporate profit entry you know as "the New York Yankees."

Recently, I have become aware that some of you—particularly that really annoying life form who goes by the name of a long-ago liquidated and recycled playing pod—have expressed dissatisfaction with the shortened longevity of many of the young pods currently on the "Yankees" roster.

Being of inferior intelligence, it apparently has not occurred to you that a perpetual turnover of fresh new pods that never require top MLB compensation is a corporate asset, not a malfunction.

I hope you will enjoy seeing a new pod of one sort or another introduced every year, shortly to be recycled and replaced. Our observation data indicates that carbon life forms such as yourselves have highly limited attention spans, and enjoy bright shiny objects.

I would advise you not to become agitated by the imminent decline and disappearance of the Judge pod, one of our most popular pod designs in recent sales seasons—those periods of corporate productivity you refer to as "seasons."

If you are not satisfied with whatever new pod model is produced, the situation will be dealt with.

Have a nice day—and move close to your computer screen now.  Closer.  Closer...