Wednesday, October 16, 2019

Local Man Played in Brett Gardner's Body for Whole Season

Hannibal, MO (AP):  It was revealed today that local resident S. Joseph Boyd, 65, has played the entire 2019 Yankees season in the body of Brett Gardner.  It appears that Mr. Boyd's possession of the aging Yankee outfielder was made possible by a scheme formulated by the Prince of Darkness himself.

"He told me his name was Mr. Applegate," Boyd told reporters.  "He looked like that guy who used to be on television.  You know:  the one who was the Martian, with the TV antennas coming out of his head?"

Boyd, a prominent barfly, was in his neighborhood tavern this spring complaining vociferously about the fact that his favorite team, the New York Yankees, were once again reduced to starting "Gardy" in the outfield.  Applegate asked if he would like to do something about it by taking over Gardner's body, in exchange for an eternity in hell.  Boyd held out for another scotch on the rocks, before agreeing.

His new teammates did not notice much of a change in Gardner, save for his newfound tendency to bang continuously on the ceiling of the dugout with a baseball bat.

"I do that at home.  Anything I see—a pen, a fork, a chopstick—I take it and keep banging on a table or an armchair.  Aw, I can go on for hours—or at least until the wife starts to scream at me to leave the house," Mr. Boyd explained.  "The guys, they just loved it."

Although Boyd still hit nine points below Gardner's lifetime batting average, he did produce unprecedented power and endurance, traits ascribed by Boyd to diabolical intervention.

"He said he wanted to do a whole reverse on the Damn Yankees thing," Boyd said of "Mr. Applegate."  "You know:  have it be this time he's working for the Yankees when they play Washington.  He's always been a been a big Yankees fans, which is something we bonded over.  Hey, how did you think it was that Harry Frazee got to own the Red Sox?"

The whole scheme came a-cropper, however, when Boyd—forgetting that the Yankees were scheduled to play a rare day game on Tuesday—went on a bender with Satanic temptress, Gwen Verdon.

"Oh, she was a handful," chuckled Boyd.  "But that breathy voice.  And those legs that just won't quit!"

The next afternoon, Boyd stumbled about the outfield like, well, a 65-year-old man, and his slash line in the ALCS has dropped to a statistically phenomenal .154/.154/.154/.308—below even Gardner's .201/.259/.260/.519 in 58 lifetime playoff games.

Mr. Applegate canceled the contract.  When Boyd suggested that, instead, he be allowed to possess Giancarlo Stanton's body and act like someone who cared, the devil reportedly told him, "Let's not get carried away."








13 comments:

Alphonso said...

Hoss..

I love your thinking and presentation ( words ).

This will be a difficult season to which we shall all soon be saying, " farewell."

I think we will be more sober about the team's prospects next season, though that is not a condition to which I aspire.

The pool on " how many games might we win" has, once again, proven irrelevant.

The only issue is, " do we have the savages to achieve and sustain wins" against quality pitching?

Does Boone stay with the old guard out of friendship and tradition, or do we have to cause his termination from the game?

are we just a pile of wet leaves?

Carl J. Weitz said...

LOLOL, Horace! One of your best to date!

ranger_lp said...

LOL Hoss....+1000.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Thanks, guys!

Yankee Daddy Roger said...

I am dating myself (well, no self respecting woman would) but around 1966, they did a TV remake of Damn Yankees (book by Douglas Wallop!), narrated by Joe Garagiolo ( who had to remind the audience that the Yankees once were really, really good) and the re-make starred Lee Remick as the Satanic Temptress. I can't remember who played the devil, but I sure remember Lee Remick. When they revived Damn Yankees on Broadway in the 80's, Bebe Neuwirth (who was Lillith in Cheers) played the Satanic Temptress, and Victor Garber the Devil. I bought the cassette tape of the Broadway revival. Put it in the tape deck of my Plymouth Turismo hatchback (with the rear tonneau cover over the hatch and blasted it away on my travels, again, explaining why the decade of the 80's was such a lonely time for me.

To me, Lee Remick will always be one of the sexiest women ever. Her and Ann-Margaret in all her incarnations.

Anonymous said...

Hoss,

Really good.

Yankee Daddy,

I remember that broadcast. But they messed it up. Especially when Lee Remick sang, "Whatever Garagi-ola Wants."

Doug K.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Agreed on Lee Remick! And I always find Bebe Neuwirth very sexy. Saw her in Chicago (another Gwen Verdon vehicle) as well as Damn Yankees, and she was great in both.

Anonymous said...

god damned weather giving verlander another days rest

Carl J. Weitz said...

Bebe had killer legs and a very sexy voice. Lee had one-of-a-kind beutiful blue eyes.

13bit said...

Thanks, Hoss. This made me smile on a dark, rainy day in Gotham.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


HC66:

You outdid yourself. Beautifully conceived and executed, with a killer walk-off line to boot.

Nicely done, my friend.


HoraceClarke66 said...

Thanks again, my friends. Great to hear it from people I respect.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree, Hoss - - one of your best yet - - and that's saying something. LB (No J)