Report from the Chairman

Hello, sports fans.  HAL here.

Was that a great decade, or what?

In 2019, the Yankees once again finished first in attendance in the American League, just as it has now for two consecutive years—and for every year after 2002, save for 2016 and 2017.  Over three million of you came out to see the Yankees for the 21st straight season, including every year this decade.

True, attendance was down somewhat.  But don't worry.  Profit margins will be preserved through another increase in ticket prices, and an appropriate increase in the percentage of rat feces to meat in the Yankee Franks.  You're welcome.

It is also true that the team used to regularly draw over 4 million fans in the last decade.  But with all due respect, those were poorer fans, less willing to spend excessive amounts of money.  We have upgraded to a higher clientele now, which needs more room to spread out, as I hope you will appreciate when you come out to the ballpark.

(If you don't appreciate it, then please do not come to the park.  The staff is now hard at work considering whether we should peruse credit reports and background checks before allowing ticket sales.)

It has come to our attention that some of you remain unhappy with the team's performance on the ballfield.  We are at a loss to understand this.  Your New York Yankees won 921 regular-season games this decade, the most in MLB.  They also won three division titles, and four of the coveted, Bud Selig Memorial Wild-Card Play-In slots.

Some of you have selfishly complained, nonetheless, that the team did not reach the World Series for the first time in a century.  This sort of obsession with petty prizes will not be tolerated.  Fans should look instead to what truly matters, which are the team's continuing, record profits.

Shouldn't it be of more moment that these are secured for the continuing happiness of The Chairman and his family, down to his distant progeny, than a few loutish athletes or your own happiness?

The only true setback this year was the early playoff loss of our beloved NYCFC soccer franchise, in MLS.  This may retard our major corporate mission, which is to secure billions of taxpayer dollars to subsidize the building of a soccer stadium/luxury housing complex/office park in the Bronx—and then to continue on to a major global position in the lucrative and fascinating world of international football.

Even more tragically, NYCFC's one playoff game had to be held at Citi Field, because of the remote chance that your New York Yankees might make the World Series that you so obsess over.  You will be relieved to hear that attendance was small enough so that the potential revenue loss was not significant.

(Good luck finding any account of what that attendance actually was.  Our Publicity Department once again did an admirable job in utterly expunging any negative information from the public record.)

Finally, it has once again come to our attention that some of you continue to object to our administration of this corporation in general, with your fixation on nebulous achievements and priorities such as "wins," "great players," or "titles," over corporate profits.

As such diverse authorities as the estimable dictators of the Chinese people, Stephen A. Smith, my brethren owners in the NBA, and the agreeably pliable greedhead LeBron James have all informed you, there is no principal, no moral belief that is an adequate substitute for money, especially money that may be obtained by those who already control a great surfeit of it.

Anymore wrong-thinking, wrong-speaking, or wrong actions will be dealt with severely.  ALL-CAPS, JM, Doug K., 13bit, Parson Tom, etc., do not fool yourselves into thinking you can hide behind your pathetic masks of misrepresentation.  To all your brethren located in The Netherlands, Scotland,  Austria, or wherever, please note that extradition laws can be adjusted as necessary.  And not only governments can manufacture drones.

Warbler, take those pants off your head.  Now.

Thank you for your support, and we look forward to seeing you in 2020 (with a better attitude).  As for the team—MY TEAM—no adjustments will be necessary.

Your great friend in the sky,
HAL