The next Carl Pavano? Kei Igawa? Or the new Britt Burns?

My friend James, who was once ejected from the Big A for rooting too fervently for the Yankees, saw Carlos Rodon's picture today and wrote me that the man "doesn't have a CORE problem. He has a COORS problem."

Hey, what can I tell ya? That somehow, Brian Cashman snuffled out yet ANOTHER pig-in-a-poke, with the acquisition of Carlos Rodon? 

It's hard to argue, based on photos such as this one:

To quote the great Elvis Costello, "He's a fine figure of a man and handsome too/ With his eyes upon the secret places he'd like to undo..."

Actually, his eyes were upon the cheese nachos vendor behind the dugout, but never mind. Once again, Cashman and his crack(ed) medical team have delivered a wonder of a physical specimen. 

I hope Brian's happy now.

The only question remaining about Rodon is whether or not he will set a new record in Cash wasting cash.

Some $20 million was thrown away on Kei Igawa, you'll remember, after Cashie got embarrassed by the Red Sox in the Dice-K sweepstakes. 

He got further embarrassed when Igawa turned out to have the build—and the fastball—of a middle schooler. 

Dice-K went on to pitch Boston to a World Series title. Igawa...not so much. In a weird, sad turn of events, Cashie tried to shame him back to Japan by burying him in Moosic for three entire years, only to have Kei tell him he wasn't going. 

Final score: 2 wins for that $20 mill.

Then, lest we forget—how can we ever forget? it's burned into our brains—there was the Epic of the Bronx Buttocks (and the Florida rehab car crash), the one, the only, Carl Pavano, toast of the back pages.

 For nearly $40 million, the Yankees got a 9-8 record...and a 5.00 ERA in 26 starts...

...averaging about 5.5 innings a start. Terrible pitching AND

wrecking the bullpen!

But really, were we not entertained?

 

With a $162 million contract, "Coors Problem" Rodon threatens to blow those previous marks out of the water, of course, costing the Yankees all by his tubby little self over $100 million more than the Igawa and Pavano contracts COMBINED.

But there's another record he has in his sights, as well. Will Rodon end up pitching even a single inning for your New York Yankees???

Let's go back, back to the halcyon days of 1985, when a young man named Phil Niekro was spinning his knuckleball magic in the Bronx. At the end of that season, after the Yanks finished a mere two games behind Toronto, George Steinbrenner decided to swing for the fences by acquiring Britt Burns, a big southpaw who had won 18 games that year for the Chicago White Sox.

The Yanks surrendered a hard-hitting, weak-fielding catcher named Ron Hassey, and Joe Cowley, who had won 12 games as their No. 3 starter. Burns came to camp, got bombed in two spring training games...and that was that. He never pitched for the Yanks again, in spring training or the regular season.

Turned out, Britt Burns had a chronic hip condition. Which was well-known BEFORE the Yankees acquired him.

Not to blame Burns, who unlike Mr. Coors Problem did everything he could think of to get back on the field, including "a procedure in which his femur was cut in half and re-positioned in order to fit correctly into his hip socket"—something that makes me squirm even writing about it.

However, "the pain was too great," and Burns retired at 27.

Even Mad George was gracious about it, issuing a press release that stated:

"The condition of Britt's hip is such that it would do him an injustice to ask him to pitch this year inasmuch as it could have a serious effect on his ability to lead a normal life later on. We don't want Britt walking around a cripple in later life."

George could well afford to be understanding. Britt Burns cost him all of $750,000 in missed salary.

As for Cashie...

I hope you're happy now.