Yankeetorial: It's a wonder anyone follows West Coast teams

Last week, Yank fans received a textbook lesson in why the AL East is baseball's toughest division -- and why nobody cares about those godforsaken teams -- the Dodgers, Giants, Mariners; I'd list them all, but who cares? -- that play on the godforsaken West Coast.

It's their ridiculous starting times.

Considering that their first pitch takes place after 10:16 p.m., it's a wonder they have any fans at all! Obviously, what fans they do have -- stupid wretches -- are more sheep than human. Why else stand for games that start too late to even see the outcome!

And what about children! Does anyone out there -- with their tanned and lipsticked mouths full of Califuckinfornia cuisine -- speak for the children? How can the tiny people of Los Angeles follow their teams, when games start long after they should be tucked into beds! What do they do with tykes, keep them up by having them snort cocaine and ride from club to club? A regular 3-hour game won't end until after 1 a.m. How does a third-grader get to school next day!

Last week, the obvious fatigue in John's and Suzyn's voices was painful to hear. Being good sports and polite guests, they made only oblique references to the horrible, mind-draining time schedules, but John's WinWarbles clearly suffered. As for me, listening at home with my family gathered around the radio, my children wiping the sleep from their red eyes, I found myself screaming at the infernal machine: "START THE GAMES EARLIER, FOOLS! STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW WE SIGN THE BIG MONEY PLAYERS! PLAY THE GAMES IN THE EVENING INSTEAD OF DURING THE LETTERMAN SHOW, AND YOU CAN AFFORD CC SABATHIA, TOO!"

I know what they're thinking: "We're California. We're better than you. We have Hollywood. We have the game shows. We get all the good-looking girls from Topeka, sleeping their way to the top, so we'll party until 10 p.m., then watch the game! We're the West Coast." Well, no wonder they elected a weight-lifter who can't balance the budget. They can't afford their government, much less winning ballclubs.

Still... it amazes me that the lords of baseball -- most notably Bud "$18-million-per-year" Selig -- refuse to do anything. Selig's in with them because he buys his hairpieces in LA. He's afraid they'll cut him off.

PLAY GAMES EARLIER, WEST COAST! WE'RE SICK OF STAYING UP LATE TO BEAT YOUR STINKING CHEAP TEAMS!