The Yankees yesterday gorked my gaskets. Face it, they gorked everybody's. None of the Gammonites - not Sherman, not Madden, not Feinsand, King George, Loopica, nobody - called this:
Of course, I'm referring to last night's signing of Kelly Johnson.
Oh, they talked about the Yankees going all out in 2014, and you can probably find somewhere where each mentioned Johnson as an infield option - but all that talk about Dopy Dildox and Joe Blow? It was bogus crapola. I'm not saying the writers were duplicitous. They were reporting what they were fed. Kelly Johnson? Never did I imagine we'd put him in our lineup. Yet it makes sense:
He can play OF, 2B and probably 3B. He hit 16 homeruns last year. In July, he would have batted cleanup for that sorry Scranton team we were offering at MLB prices. But who saw this coming? Not me.
Oh, and I don't recall anybody mentioning Jacoby Ellsbury, either.
Right now, if there is anything to be said about the 2014 Yankees, it is that the house is being blown-up, and a new wing will soon be added. We have no idea what it will look like.
Robbie? It's up to him, Jay-Z and the showgirls of Seattle. (Does Seattle have showgirls?)
A-Rod? He's done for at least half 2014, probably for good.
Brett Gardner? Could be trade bait. Or a unique one-two punch.
The NY sportswriters? As clueless as you and me.
Here is what we should have learned by now, but probably never will:
It's never the names bandied about in the Yankee rumor mill. It's the ones you don't hear. (Nobody called the Montero/Pineda trade, remember?) Brian Cashman never shines a light on his targets. And nobody talks. Last month, the Yankee brass came within an eyelash of losing their desk jobs. None of them is going to go Ed Snowden in order to curry favor with some writer. They will float diversions. They will work military PSYOPS. Cashman has something in mind. It is probably closer to the beginning than the end. Jacoby Ellsbury. Kelly Johnson. Gaskets, gorked.