Tuesday, December 10, 2013

More continuing celebration of Joe Torre's election to the Hall of Fame: From THE BOOK OF JOE... Knobbiticus

Now it came to pass in the third summer of his four-annum covenant, a time called 2000, the righteous Yankee warrior Chuck Knoblauch lost his ability to bring direction to the hurling of his balls.
.
Sayers of sooth offered solutions, but the more that “Knobby” sought to herd his frantic emissions, the more waxen his tossings became.
.

One dusk, Knobby’s errant missile soared so far off course that it nearly slew the mother of Keith Obermann, son of Cosell and father of Maddow, while the matronly beast held a baseline seat. So pocked with guilt was Knobby that the once-great Twin barely could see the field through his veil of tears.
.
That night, Knobby appeared unto Joe’s chamber and spake:

.
“Hear me, o, Joe!

.
“My arm mocks God with its treachery.'Tis a curse upon the House of George. 

.
"Lend me thy axe, I beg thee, so that I may chop off the fevered limb and feed it to the plaid-suited toads of print and byte!”
.
Joe placed his calm hands upon the mini-brute’s troubled appendage and declared:

.
“Verily, o Knobby, Hear me!

.
“Thy demons reside not within thy wing, but within thy mental mind.”

.
And so Knobby flung himself to the floor and spake:
.
“If brain it be, then bequeath to me thy trowel, so that I may carve out the infected lobe!

.
“If brain it be, then swing thy scythe neckward, so that my thought cabbage shall plummet, and my eyes at last can gaze upon a box score free of errors.

.
“If brain it be, bolt me to thy bench! Option me to thy Clippers of Columbus! Trade me to the plebes of Kansas City, or a place where my head can be blissfully shrank!”

.
For seven days and nights, the jell-haired Yank testified to his sins. Finally, Joe spake:

.
“All right, all right, all right, o, Knobby, listenup!

.
“Only ye can smite the vermin that breed beneath your pleasingly oiled quaff.

.
“But fear not for the House of George!

.
“On the morrow, ye shall occupy a splintered seat of wood. In thy stead, we shall call upon the tuneful Venezuelanite, Luis Sojo.

.
“Until ye becalms thy head, ye pose threat to all celebrities who sitteth along the Line of the First Base. And that includes Rudolph Giuliani, son of Koch, heir to Dinkins, brother of Ailes, and doer of Donna Hanover.

.
“To preserve the House of George, which seeks a new Yankee palace hewn of public gold, we must protect the shining, hair-free forehead of Rudolph Giuliani, our political ticket of meal, and the doer of Donna Hanover!

.
“And in the spring of 2001, thou shalt move to the far field of Left. There, no stones slung by thee shall ever slay a celebrity, or those who birth them.

.
"This I doth decree!”
.
And so it came to pass.
.

The following spring, Knobby roamed the far field of Left.
.
And he ruled the League of Grapefruit.

.
And he rained frenzy upon his foes through the showery month of April.

.
And then, without cause, his June bat floundered and died.

.
And when Knobby’s covenant expired, the House of George exiled him to the crop farms of Kansas City, where his name was never spake again.

.
And no Person of Very Importance was ever felled by one of Knobby’s ill-aimed pellets.

.
And one day, there would rise a greater and more expensive House of George, born from public pork, thanks to the wisdom of Joe, the generosity of Rudolph Giuliani and the sacrifice of Knobby, son of Sax.

2 comments:

John M said...

OK, I'm a sinner, but I don't think Torre deserves to be in the Hall. He was a mediocre manager who was given a blossoming team that won no matter what moves he made. It's impossible to tell if he was a sudden genius or the luckiest man in baseball.

When the Yankees magic team began to unwind, so did his miraculous decision making. That's why, after 2002, pffft. Leaving me to conclude that he's just good. Or, more accurately, as good as whatever team he was handed.

There is something to be said for his vaunted people management skills and media handling abilities, not to mention that he dealt with Old George for so long without imploding. Maybe it was the Bigelow tea.

But he also set firmly in stone the now-traditional use of veterans over kids, bullpen burnouts, and the other things a lot of fans criticized him for.

A mixed bag. I will admit, I never liked him much in any respect, which is probably irrational. Whatever, he's in and Miller isn't, and injustice rules supreme.

KD said...

I wonder if knobby will read this. Does the highway overpass under which he resides have an internet connection?