What happens in a private Yankee workout for Yoan Moncata?

It begins when Randy Levine yells, "Drop and give me ten, rook!"

To see what the kid has for endurance, Hal Steinbrenner dons his Kinky Boots and challenges Yoan to keep up during a tap rendition of "42nd Street." Then brother Hank tests the youngster's lungs by having him smoke two packs of Camels, after which he must sing a duet with Sister Joan, "You Don't Bring Me Flowers."

Then Brian Cashman takes over. In a virtual reality exercise designed to test the youngster's mental acumen, Moncata must make 10 team roster moves in eight minutes, culminating with a rotation that includes Wally Whitehurst and Sidney Ponson - all while avoiding a stalker.

Throughout this, Special Assistant to the General Manager Tino Martinez will be yelling harsh crudities and mean girl remarks, to see how Moncata handles verbal attacks. Then comes the roughest part yet: He must endure 30 minutes of infield chatter from Special Assistant to the General Manager Stump Merrill, followed by another 30 on "the life and times of Reggie Jackson," as recalled and interpreted by Special Assistant to the General Manager Reggie Jackson.

If Moncata is still standing, he goes binge drinking with Billy Madden and - somewhere over the Tappan Zee Bridge - presumably will leap to his death.

Waiting down below, Old George will nurse him back to health with oats and hay, and he will then be signed - either to join the Yankees or run in the Preakness.