Monday, November 30, 2015

MIss Congeniality: Will Hal Steinbrenner sit back and let Boston sign David Price?

Once upon a time, the prospect of facing the Evil Empire in a bidding war rendered nightmares unto so-called "small market owners" - (aka, billionaires who own minor states, such as Kansas.) This dark period ended seven years ago, when the fiscally prudent children of George Steinbrenner assumed the family business of owning.

Today's Yankee owners play well with fellow owner heirs and heiresses. Thus, Hal "I'm Not Cheap" Steinbrenner says he will not bid on big name free agents, because the Yankees - (valued at $3.2 billion by Forbes last March, not counting the value of the YES network) - just can't afford another big contract. As a result, our "fierce rival" (wink wink), the Redsocks won't have to beat a gigantic Yankee counter-offer in their quest to sign David Price.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus - at least in Boston. He's known as Hal Kringle.

George Steinbrenner's death was the greatest thing that ever happened to modern MLB team owners, and the worst imaginable to the Players Association. He begot what nobody could imagine 10 years ago - a tightwad running the Yankees. So be it. It's the Steinbrenner family's team. It's the Steinbrenner family's money, legacy, stadium, domain, employees, etc. They can do what they want. But in the spirit of giving - yes, in the spirit of Christmas, I offer these yuletide suggestions.

1. Boston should kick back a few million to Hal - not an overwhelming amount, just enough to say "thanks." Without the Yankees bidding, the price of Price will be millions less. They should not pay so much that others - federal people, like judges - could suggest "collusion." That horrible, dirty word ended long ago. With the Supreme Court having eliminated the salary cap on buying elections, corruption is part of today's game, as long as you don't go around blabbing.

2. Hal needs a nice, secret slush fund, where other owners can pay him directly, preferably in gold. Obviously, it must be in the Cayman Islands, with shell game subsidiaries and compliant Swiss bankers. Hey, I'm just spit-balling here, but there's a golden opportunity for running prostitutes. Hal could dabble in coke and heroin - the blue chips - but I hope he draws the line on supplying weapons to terror groups. If he could horde all the world's diamonds, could he build a super death ray and demand Australia?

We'll soon know if it's really true: The Yankees - the Evil Dead - will actually sit back and watch Boston sign David Price, like me watching reruns of Gilligan's Island. On that day, Yankee fans everywhere will celebrate another victory for our owner's bottom line. We can live secure in knowing that if Hal drowns, it won't be in red ink... but gravy.

6 comments:

John M said...

I can't watch Gilligan's Island. It's just too stupid. In fact, it's just like watching Boston sign Price, so I guess the parallel works.

Don't be too hard on Hal. It's hard to be a billionaire. You don't know who likes you for being you and who likes you just for your money. And Hal doesn't want players who don't like him. He needs to be liked. If you had George for a father, you'd have a burning need to be liked, too. People hated the old man, and you can only imagine what life in the Steinbrenner home must have been like for a sensitive kid like Hal. No As on the report card? Sent down to the basement rec room for "seasoning." Missed the toilet when learning to take a leak? Dad calls you a "fat toad" or something in the next press conference. Don't score on your first date, even though she was a hooker? Your first car ends up being a Pinto, and used, at that.

Give the poor guy a break. It's not easy having green.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


For the record: Mary Ann, not Ginger.

ceeja said...

The test is Heyward. One could rationally conclude, in light of the grim experience of Sabathia and a thousand other pitchers after 30, that Price is not worth the investment. How many guys really pitched will into their thirties? Seaver, Koosman, John, Pettite, Clemens. Just a few outliers.

But not signing Heyward? C-H-E-A-P. That is the test for me. If I'm going to root for a cheap team, it may as well be the Oakland A's.

Anonymous said...

NOT EVEN BEING CONSIDERED "IN THE RING" TO SIGN PRICE IS CRAZY....EVEN IF THE YANKS HAD NO INTENTION OF SIGNING HIM, THEY SHOULD STILL BE A PRESENCE IN NEGOTIATIONS.....WE NEED TO MAKE BOSTON (OR WHOEVER), PAY AS MUCH FOR PRICE AS POSSIBLE...THAT IS BUSINESS!....BOSTON DID THAT TO US ON OTHER FREE AGENTS IN THE PAST......IT'S PART OF THE REASON OUR PAYROLL IS SO DAMN HIGH NOW...............COULD HAL BE THE 2ND COMING OF "NARCOS"?

KD said...

Mary Ann, for sure.

SanJoseKid said...

Chris Young was one of the few bright spots last season. Liked his attitude and ability to get clutch hits on occasion. Now he is at Fenway.