Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Question to Yankiverse: If you could, would you go back in time and kill baby Schilling?

It's a crazy news week in baseball. The GMs are getting wasted down in Boca, and - sitting around a beach bonfire, passing the pipe - anything can happen, such as the Yankees trading Andrew Miller.

That's because the fundamental root elements of the 2016 Yankee Action Plan are becoming apparent: The team plans to hoodwink the rest of baseball in a series of trades, where we will surrender nothing and receive the components to a World Championship team. We'll do this through our superior knowledge and intellect, despite the fact that only a few GMs will deal with us, because the biggest career-killer in MLB is to lose in a deal to the hated Yankees.

That's the plan. Outwit everybody. 

I speak for the Yankiverse, in saying to Brian Cashman: "Good luck with that."

The second plank of the 2016 Yankee Action Plan appears to be frugality: The Yankees will abstain from bidding on pricey free agents, because Hal Steinbrenner can't take on another big contract. Once you accept this premise, there is no really more reason to discuss 2016 or - for that matter - the Yankees at all. If you - as a writer or blogger - buy into the notion that the richest pro team in North America has no money to spend - well - as far as I can tell, you're trying to get a job with YES, and we might as well start the debate about killing Baby Curt, because we've climbed deep into the crapola abyss.

So... let's do this. If we could go back in time, would you kill baby Curt Schilling and spare millions of Yankee fans?

I personally would not. As much as I realize the damage that Curt Schilling has done to the world, I could not bring myself to kill a harmless infant. It's not my style. I would, however, steal him from the hospital and raise the child according to strict values of Yankee fandom - like the Zen masters who taught Uma Thurman on the "Kill Bill" series. Curt would be instructed to never - under any circumstances - hurt a Yankee. I think he could be saved.

I could be wrong. In the movies, there are always consequences of going back in time. Usually, when you do this, you get somebody pregnant, and the baby turns out to be Brian Cashman. So call me a fuddy-duddy, but I'm not big on going back to kill Baby Curt. Does that make me weak? Am not committed enough? I don't know. Hey, don't be a hoover on the ganja. 


KD said...

Your innate moral compass is an inspiration to us all, duque!

JM said...

I know it's cruel, but a bloody-socked baby could possibly derail a future career in baseball. And future obnoxious commentary on baseball games.

It's evil and despicable to even consider it, but ya gotta step up, man.

Local Bargain Jerk said...

The citizens of Rhode Island have 75 million reasons to want to kill baby Curt.

As a Yankee fan living in Rhode Island, I would eschew murder and do the sensible thing. I would:

1) Go back in time.

2) Invest in GM & Coca Cola in 1928 like Ty Cobb did (and thus become very wealthy by the 1960s).

3) Use that money to purchase the Yanks from CBS moments before George Steinbrenner did.

4) Avoid the many trades that led to the 1980s and early 1990s. There would be no Balboni's, Barfield's, Phelps's, Clark's, etc., etc., etc., etc.

5) Kidnap Turd Schilling on his cab ride to The Stadium moments before Game 6 of the 2004 ALCS. This would eliminate his participation in the clot-less sock game and would render him -- like so many others -- as a simple "pretty good pitcher, perhaps in the HOF discussion, but probably not."

6) Although the Sox wouldn't have made it to Game 7 as a result of my Step 5, I would also not trade for Javier Vazquez and thus avoid him serving up the grand slam to Johnny Damon. Even though I now know how to time travel, I'm not above the occasional belt & suspenders move.

7) I would also not tear down Baseball's One True Cathedral in 2008. (Shoot, I might abandon the rest of these stupid steps and just do this one.)

Sure, there would be some other moves (e.g., investing in Microsoft in 1975), but I'm sure you get the gist.

I should add that, despite 1-7 above, if Turd Schilling later showed up in Rhode Island with his hand out looking for $75 Million, I would kill him. On the spot.

Alphonso said...

Sign me up with LBJ.

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JM said...

LBJ has the best plan I've heard in ages. All we need is a time machine. I think Stewie Griffin might sell his.

KD said...

Love LBJ's plan too. I really miss taunting the redsocks and their fans with "Nine-teen eight-teen!!" when they came to The Stadium. Man, those were the days!

Leinstery said...

Good plan LBJ, except you forgot one step. In December of 2003 you kidnap Andy Pettitte's family and force him to re-sign as you point a gun at his wife's head. I have always felt that if Pettitte was on the team they would have cruised in the ALCS.

Fun fact, while I was looking up how Kevin Brown came to New York I learned that they traded Yankee great Jeff Weaver, some fat Dominican, and NFL superstar QB Brandon Weeden.

And Yes I would kill baby Curt Schilling, for 2001 and 2004.

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Parson Tom said...

JURICKSON PROFAR -- hey, Cashman says we did good with Dede so, obviously, the value play in the market now are young, island infielders who are underperforming but just need the tender loving care of Kevin Long to reach their exciting potential. Refsnyder has that Asian thing, but it's not "island" enough.

Parson Tom said...

and if Kevin Long isn't there any more -- and fi he actually escaped to the Mets -- let's put droolin' Larry Rothschild on the job and turn him into the greatest relief pitcher amybody's seen since Dooley Womack.