Thursday, November 5, 2015

"Visit our Cash Bar! Eat and spend money!" The Yankee Off-Season Happy Talk Machine is grinding into motion

Today, I awoke to an astonishing, steaming, front stoop barf-pile of exciting Yankee news. Yes, the Talkie-Talkie Machine - silent throughout October - is revving back to life. And here's a stunning news flash: Everybody... drum roll, please... is excited about next year! 

Mark Teixeira feels "great, no problems at all!" Dried out CC Sabathia will do a "candid interview" on "Good Morning America." Brett Gardner will be over a "hand injury," which is not an excuse for last fall. A-Rod has achieved "a healthy state of mind." Blake Shelton is boffing Gwen Stefani. Jete is happy. Hannah has a ring. (Glad somebody associated with the Yankees got one.) And yet - not one word about the alien super-megastructure surrounding that nearby death star. Must Monster X raze Detroit before anybody does something?

It's as if Hal Steinbrenner flicked the Brian Williams switch, and the Yankee vomit machine went into Marshawn Lynch Beast Mode. (That's a three-name metaphor tri-fecta, eh?) Suddenly, the Yankees are launching a campaign that should seem more improbable than Ben Carson's:

Think this: All the Yankees need do is heal, and the Wild Card collapsers of 2015 could return next season and contend.

Wow. Imagine that. Everybody returns to form, and tonight we're gonna party like it's 2009.

Why, of course, we will! At 36, Tex will enter his prime. CC, who hasn't pitched well in four years now, should dazzle once he hits 35. Brett Gardner, an injury magnet throughout his career, will be healthy at 32. And A-Rod can relax, knowing his job and legacy is secure. Oh, he'll be 40, one year older than spring chicken Beltran.

Headley will be 32, McCann will be 32, Ellsbury will be 32. Blake Shelton will be 39. Gwen Stefani will be 46 (robbing the cradle, there?) Jeter will be only 42. Why did he retire? (Wait, now I know: Hannah Davis will be 26. His last marriage, to the Yankees, lasted 20 years. One wife at a time.) 

Listen: In his final shows, BB King sat down and played guitar, while a young band carried him. They're not going to send Ringo Star out there without backups under 70. The Yankees are like a rock act devoted to oldies, but to create effective nostalgia, you need more than a one-hit wonder from 2009.

So the steaming dollop on the stoop belies one basic truth:

For the Yankees to win in 2016, they need to do a hell of a lot more than heal from the injuries of 2015. Young teams will improve. We will get worse. No amount of happy talk can change that.

3 comments:

KD said...

Still waiting for our refund for post season tickets. Owed more than $1700. Been more than a month since the Yanks last played. Ticket agent of no help whatsoever.

WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS TO A SEAON TICKET HOLDER OF OVER TEN YEARS?

KD said...

Next week we call "7 on your side". Hear that, Hal?

ceeja said...

Attaboy El Duque. Give 'em hell.