Saturday, September 8, 2018

Seattle is done, but Jogginson Cano is only halfway there.

Thanks to Masahiro Tanaka - the de facto ace of the Yankee staff - the Evil Empire last night effectively repelled the chances of a worst-case, out-of-body, Biblical, apocalyptic, totally Mets-like collapse in the gaping twilight of the 2018 season. 

This isn't to say it's over, and that we've won anything worth busting open a bottle of Ripple. A few torturous, colonoscopy-level losses are surely still out there, waiting to sink our barge. But for the Seattle Mariners, the team of sad old Joggy Cano, yep, this season is Melba toast. 

It's turned so wretched for the Measly Mariners that they are now looking over their shoulders at ever-charging Tampa, which launched its run too late to do any good. We still must play the Rays four times, but it'll be the last week of the season, and by then, it shouldn't matter. We may or may not have the wild card home field advantage, but frankly, there are bigger fish to fry: Aaron Judge needs to be swinging without pain, and Aroldis Chapman must be throwing 100 mph strikes. If both happen, we can slug it out against Boston, or Cleveland, or anybody, regardless of the venue. If neither happen, well, schedule your fall excursions for mid-October. But our wild card magic number is 12, and last night's victory just drove a stake through the Mariners' hearts. They needed a sweep, and they're done.

On that note, I would like to continue a memorable, earnest, five-year tradition here on IIHIIFIIc: The chance to once again savor the serendipitous wonders of Joggy Cano's contract.

Did you know that in 2018, he has 7 home runs and 31 RBIs? Thirty one runs batted in. His batting average is a respectable .286, though he increasingly is playing 1B, which puts his numbers into Lyle Overbay Country. Next month, he will turn 36. And here's the fun part: The Mariners have him for five more seasons, at $24 million per. He will be there until 2023, when he is 40 and farting, assuming that the big earthquake hasn't hit, and he can still bend down for ground balls. And if our juju works, the Mariners will still have never seen a post-season pitch. Wouldn't it be delicious?

Five years ago, they celebrated at our expense, after giving Cano a 10-year-deal, one more year than the Yankees would offer. This ended Cano's chance to be a lifelong Yankee, have a plaque in Monument Park, put another NY cap in Cooperstown, and become an icon of Gotham. He was star-struck by his new sports agent, Jay-Z, with Beyonce in a cameo role, who abandoned all team and city loyalty, franchise history and a rabid fan base (of which this site is a particularly drooling member) - and put money over everything. They made it clear that Cano would follow the cash, the past be damned. He loves only gold. Only gold...

So came about the only time in this millennium when I sided with Food Stamps Hal Steinbrenner, the billionaire who pretends he is a millionaire, so we'll feel sorry for him. Cano's run to Seattle was the classic case where greed and stupidity marched hand-in-hand. Had he stayed a Yankee, Cano would have made more money in endorsements, announcing gigs, and the psychic rewards that come to all-time great Yankees. He turned his back on us, and though his season is about to end, his sentence to Purgatory still has five more years.

I hope we sweep the bastards this weekend and put this insufferable dog to sleep for another year. But either way, they're toast. Another season, shot to hell. Five left. So long, suckahs.

44 comments:

TheWinWarblist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TheWinWarblist said...

Fuck Seattle and their banner saying "116 Wins." How did that season end for them? Hoss could remember, I'm sure.

So endeth the JuJu.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


9pm EST game tonight.  A post-midnight finish is too late for this wimp.

Eff Seattle.  Eff MLB.

The Seattle game tomorrow starts at 4:05 EST.  I would watch the NFL in protest ... if the NFL was showing anything other than Dallas vs. Carolina as the "national game" tomorrow afternoon.  While CBS is running "PBR Bull Riding" in that time slot, I know that my hand will involuntarily twitch, move toward the remote, and I'll end up turning on the Yanks.

I'm of the opinion that there are heroin dealers more warmly regarded by their addicted customers than MLB is by theirs...



P.S. On a mostly unrelated note, it's hard to believe that the senior management of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer was asleep at the switch back in the 1990s and let "Professional Bull Riding" grab www.pbr.com during the great internet domain land rush of the time...

TheWinWarblist said...

Lance Lynn against The Ghost of Felix Hernandez today. Yeesh.

Alphonso said...

Lance Lynn is the reason Duque's dream of a sweep has no legs.

Retired Stratman said...

And another thing, speaking of Jogginson: am I wrong in thinking that a batter is supposed to run to first if the catcher drops strike three? Last night both Stanton and Fudgie the Whale just turned and walked into the dugout after striking out when the ball was dropped. Both times the catcher started to tag them, then either just shrugged and threw back to the pitcher or just soft tossed it down to first. I might think this is brought on by close proximity to Cano except for the fact that they do it almost evey game. Is this the famous “Situational Hustle” at work?

Buhner's Ghost said...

That's real class, kicking the dog when it's down. Exactly what we would expect from you and your gaggle of pinstriped apologists. Choke on your wild card.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Jogginson's deal was ridiculous even for a guy who loves only money.

As our Peerless Leader has said so well, he could have made much more cash in other ways by staying in New York. Or, the one thing about connecting with Jay Z and Beyonce should have been that it gets you a great cash-in somewhere in L.A.

But no, Robby went to Seattle for a few dollars more.

Where...he kept juicing. Which also makes no sense. If you care about nothing but the money, why keep juicing once you've cashed in? That does nothing but endanger the money.

One is left with the conclusion that, sunny a guy as he seemed, our Joggy never was the brightest bulb on the tree.

JM said...

Jay, Jay, Jay...we can't help the way we were born. Or the way the front office ignoramuses traded you way back when, condemning you to all of the rain and clouds in the Great Northwest. Schadenfreude is in our blood, satisfied only by events like Seattle winning 116 games--right after we had set the record of 114--and then getting stuffed in the postseason. And the lunacy of signing the Jogster for 10 years does a fine job of covering up the fact that we were just as moronic when offering nine.

We're consistently stupid, so it only stands to reason that we enjoy those moments when Seattle was even stupider. There's no crying in baseball, but gloating is encouraged.

And on another topic, God bless our obvious ace, Professor Taru Tanaka. May he reign over Oakland in the Selig game and lead us to Cleveland, where Severino will give up five runs in two innings, decimating our bullpen for the rest of the series and hurrying our winter hibernation.

Amen.

Carl J. Weitz said...

Duque...you're 99.9% correct. Just the Yankee contract was only for 7 years:

"As has been well-documented, the Yankees could've brought Cano back when he became a free agent in 2014. But they opted against offering more than seven years and $175 million to the then 31-year-old All-Star second baseman.

An eight-year, $200 million offer supposedly would've done the trick. But the Yankees went in a different direction, giving Jacoby Ellsbury a seven-year, $153 million deal, and deciding to move on from Cano".

Which begs the question: Knowing what we do today, what would everyone here do if they were Cashman? Pay Cano what he wanted and get some decent production for him (and perhaps trade him and eat part of his contract after year 5 or 6). Or sign Ellsbury to his contract , get virtually nothing for it without being able to unload the guy?

Personally, I would choose the former.

HoraceClarke66 said...

I know, Carl, this is the trouble with Cashman: Even when he does the right thing, it's wrong, as Yogi might've said.

Pass on the huge contract to the guy who won't earn back a half of it...then throw the savings at Ellsbury and McCan't. Go to youth—but then don't higher anyone who can properly instruct and nurture them.

HoraceClarke66 said...

John M., the only problem with that scenario is we won't be going to Cleveland, or even Houston, but straight to Boston, for the Beantown Beatdown II.

Given that, I'd be just as happy to throw Sevvy to the A's. With any luck, he and Ice Cream Sandwiches would get into a brawl on the field, and we could all call it a season.

If not...well, then we would at least get to start an actual professional, Mr. Tanaka, against the Red Sox.

HoraceClarke66 said...

And I sure do remember watching us stuff Seattle that year.

The Mariners were a real class act. They came to New York and did everything right, went to visit Ground Zero, talked about how brave the city was.

Then they went up to the Stadium and Yankees fans crassly chanted "Sayonara!" at Ichiro, and "Overrated!" at the whole Seattle team.

It was absolutely rude, inexcusable behavior...and I loved every minute of it. To me, it was New York saying, "Fuck your pity. We got out groove back."

Anonymous said...

The Yankees have become boring.

TheWinWarblist said...

Yesterday's game was good baseball. Not boring. But the tepid losing? Torturously boring.

Anonymous said...

Last night I went to Oakland and caught their game against the Rangers. Not having cable and getting blacked out on my MLB account I didn't get to see any of the games the Yankees played against them so this was my first look.

They are a very scary team. They play crisp baseball and combine power and speed. They play 100% and with belief and purpose. Granted it is a very small statistical sample but they looked like and played like winners.

We really need to get home field against them or we will be one and done. I actually had to applaud them a number of times because good baseball is good baseball.

And to the unasked questions:

1) Maybe 15,000 on a Friday night. Parking costs $30. Parking should not cost more than the tickets. That could be part of their problem. It's Oakland.

2) Best beer selection I have ever seen in a stadium. Seriously, easily 20+ different beers. Plus a Whiskey Bar, and a Cantina, and that's on the general concourse. It was impressive.

Also great stats on the stadium screen. Batter vs. Pitcher. Batter vs. Pitcher in the Ballpark. Batter in the current month. Really good stuff.

Food was meh.

And the last question - What did I pay to get in? Actually, it was free. My son's college distributed 75 pairs of tickets and gave us all very nice A's hats with the college logo on it as well.

But to go back to my earlier point. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid. Only consolation? These guys, if they get past us, will beat Boston.

Doug K.

thecontrarian said...

Doug K.,

All that - and more. And the beers.

I watched a Houston/Oakland game a week or so back, and it was glorious watching those two teams play. It was the style of play I fully expected to see from this year's Yankees. Fuck Ma Boone. He can't carry Hinch's or Melvin's jockstrap.

Also tuned in to see the HOU/BOS contest last night, and even the NESN broadcast team expressed some fear about Oakland.

It looks like I night get in a full season of leaf-peeping.

Carl J. Weitz said...

The talk about concessions and food made me remember of a classic from the late Kid From Brooklyn who was also a ticket reseller. It's funny and spot on about the Steinbrenner clan.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AViLfaXmdA

And the video that made him famous...the funniest ever:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DyG60KT-MY

Terrekain said...

Have some mercy.

Granted Cano and Seattle deserve each other, but Gamel was a good soldier in the Yankee system and had no choice in being traded to purga...I mean...to the Mariners.

We probably could have used Gamel too.

TheWinWarblist said...

Magic Number is 3.

TheWinWarblist said...

I had a revelation.

Maybe Lance Lynn could throw quality strikes if he wasn't so fucking fat.

YOU'RE A FUCKING PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE YOU DISGUSTING TUB OF SUET!!! GET SOME FUCKING SELF-RESPECT!!! REFUSE THAT THIRD PITCHER OF BEER!!! NO SECONDS ON THE GRAVY FRIES!!! HIT THE TREADMILL YOU WORTHLESS GIGGLING BLOATED SACK OF SHIT!!!

FUCK YOU!!! FUCK YOU!!!

AND STOP TUGGING ON YOUR UNIFORM!!! IT WOULD FIT RIGHT IF YOU LOST A FEW POUNDS!!!

Asshole.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Romey, my Homey???

Rufus T. Firefly said...

TWW,

Don't hold back, how do you *really* feel?

Terrekain said...

I love listening to the Seattle announcers calling Romine's Homerun for some reason.

Looping it over and over again.

TheWinWarblist said...

Rufus, it was making me crazy watching Lynn flounder about the mound. The poor buttons on his jersey were hanging on for dear life.

Terrekain said...

Romine and Britton are animated, and it looks like they suspect that Britton might be in for a few of the upcoming left-handed batters next inning.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Danger, Danger, Danger, Danger, Danger, Danger, Danger!

Sonny Gray is warming up in the bullpen!

TheWinWarblist said...

It's Toonces.

TheWinWarblist said...

And he puts Joggy on by hitting him in the foot. That's kinda funny.

TheWinWarblist said...

Dammit Toonces.

13bit said...

Toonces can suck my balls.

JM said...

Jesus, Betances. What the hell?

And Rothschild goes out to talk to him. Like that'll do any good.

This smells like pineapple.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

There's a few heartbeats I won't get back...

JM said...

Unnecessarily stressful. This guy is trouble.

TheWinWarblist said...

Toonces!! Toonces!! Toonces!! Joggy! Joggy! JOGGY!! GET JOGGY WITH IT!!! AHH! AHHH!!! Aha-ah-haaaaa!!
AAaAhhaaaa-haha-haaa-hhhhhHHHHHHHHaaaaAAHHHHHHHHHHHaaaa-ah-ah-ah-aaaaaaaaAaAaHaHaHaaaAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!

HoraceClarke66 said...

Got out of it. Michael Kay sounds excited.

Hey, good to see it.

Got here late, saw El Matador left early after an HBP. He all right?

TheWinWarblist said...

Not sure. Hit by a breaking ball on the rear elbow.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Hilarious, Warbler! Generally, I think a fat pitcher is okay—probably comes from watching Mickey Lolich win 3 games in the 1968 World Series at an impressionable age—but you think at this point in his career, he would try to get into shape.

And Warbler...nice call on the magic number!!! Yes, that's what I was thinking after Boston lost again today! (The Times was so distraught that it didn't even put yesterday's loss in the lost column.)

But boy, they are tough. They almost came back against Houston, too. Martinez hit into a double-play in the ninth, or who knows?

I do think, though, that what should have been Boston's weakness all along is starting to look a little frayed. That is the back of the rotation and the bullpen. But they might not need that for the playoffs.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Boy, from the look of it, half the fans were rooting for the Yankees.

I think the game must really be in trouble. Without the road fans for the Yanks and Sox, I suspect attendance would be way, way down.

Doug K., interesting to know about Oakland. When my in-laws and I went, they were able to park on the side of the road. It was a ways away, but free. I sure hope you're right about their ability to beat the Sox!

Austria's Only Baseball Fan said...

And by putting us all through that, Toonces adds another stroke to his "SAVE" stat. No matter how many times he does this, I know the answer from the PTB (the collective powers that be) is "But we won! He won it for us!" I FUCKING HATE THIS GUY! He seems like our No. 1 Danger. Was that Sonny warming up? I've kind of lost track after relegating him to the trash bin, but could he in any way possible be just plain not as bad as Toonces?

We're well into a warm Sunday morning with promises of a day full of sun here in Alt Wien... I hate these west coast games... At least Boston lost.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Interesting thing, though, Austria OBA, the Yanks were casually revealing after the game tonight that, hey, Betances' finger split open and it was bleeding everywhere. Apparently, this happens regularly.

Um, what?

Sure enough, asked about it in the postgame, Boone acted as if it were something they had no more control over than the weather. He also claimed that "Larry is monitoring it," and that "it's more annoying than anything" and that "it doesn't affect how he pitches," just that "he's got to keep wiping the blood off before every pitch."

!&%*@#!!!%^

Also, *&%$#!!

So, here you have a vulnerable guy already, and you let him be hung out to dry by the fans and media. "Hey, no biggie." And you really don't think HAVING TO WIPE THE BLOOD OFF HIS HAND BEFORE EVERY PITCH affects his pitching??? Hey, why would it?

I cut my finger today and had to stop about three times WHILE WASHING THE DISHES!!!

You know, does it sometimes seem to anyone else that EVERYTHING we're being told by the Kremlin on the Hudson that is the Yankees' front office may be false? After the season is over, are we going to find out that Sanchez's entire family has been held hostage all year, Sonny Gray is battling a brain tumor, and Neil Walker is playing with an artificial leg?

"Hey, look, I know it was a brain tumor, but we were monitoring it with MRIs every other week, and besides Larry was massaging his temples after every start..."

Sheesh!

Joe of AZ said...

Wow the comments tonight are FUCKIN BELLY ACHINGLY HILARIOUS!!!
We need to make the "The Kremlin of the Hudson" some kind of official term.

Regarding Fat pitchers... Lynn needs to spend the winter with David Wells(who NEEDS to replace Larry at pitch coach)...and than we sign him on the cheap next year and let CCs Swiss cheese knees rest in peace.

Everytime I hear Boone state "Larry's monitoring the situation" I remember how they let Chapman sweat and marinate out there on the mound until ol chappy had to tap the fuck out and call in the med staff.

The only thing Boone monitors closely is the lineup card....ALL GAME

KD said...

Did it appear to you guys that Joggy allowed himself to be HBP? sure looked that way to me. Enjoy the Burn, Jogginson.

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