Seattle is done, but Jogginson Cano is only halfway there.

Thanks to Masahiro Tanaka - the de facto ace of the Yankee staff - the Evil Empire last night effectively repelled the chances of a worst-case, out-of-body, Biblical, apocalyptic, totally Mets-like collapse in the gaping twilight of the 2018 season. 

This isn't to say it's over, and that we've won anything worth busting open a bottle of Ripple. A few torturous, colonoscopy-level losses are surely still out there, waiting to sink our barge. But for the Seattle Mariners, the team of sad old Joggy Cano, yep, this season is Melba toast. 

It's turned so wretched for the Measly Mariners that they are now looking over their shoulders at ever-charging Tampa, which launched its run too late to do any good. We still must play the Rays four times, but it'll be the last week of the season, and by then, it shouldn't matter. We may or may not have the wild card home field advantage, but frankly, there are bigger fish to fry: Aaron Judge needs to be swinging without pain, and Aroldis Chapman must be throwing 100 mph strikes. If both happen, we can slug it out against Boston, or Cleveland, or anybody, regardless of the venue. If neither happen, well, schedule your fall excursions for mid-October. But our wild card magic number is 12, and last night's victory just drove a stake through the Mariners' hearts. They needed a sweep, and they're done.

On that note, I would like to continue a memorable, earnest, five-year tradition here on IIHIIFIIc: The chance to once again savor the serendipitous wonders of Joggy Cano's contract.

Did you know that in 2018, he has 7 home runs and 31 RBIs? Thirty one runs batted in. His batting average is a respectable .286, though he increasingly is playing 1B, which puts his numbers into Lyle Overbay Country. Next month, he will turn 36. And here's the fun part: The Mariners have him for five more seasons, at $24 million per. He will be there until 2023, when he is 40 and farting, assuming that the big earthquake hasn't hit, and he can still bend down for ground balls. And if our juju works, the Mariners will still have never seen a post-season pitch. Wouldn't it be delicious?

Five years ago, they celebrated at our expense, after giving Cano a 10-year-deal, one more year than the Yankees would offer. This ended Cano's chance to be a lifelong Yankee, have a plaque in Monument Park, put another NY cap in Cooperstown, and become an icon of Gotham. He was star-struck by his new sports agent, Jay-Z, with Beyonce in a cameo role, who abandoned all team and city loyalty, franchise history and a rabid fan base (of which this site is a particularly drooling member) - and put money over everything. They made it clear that Cano would follow the cash, the past be damned. He loves only gold. Only gold...

So came about the only time in this millennium when I sided with Food Stamps Hal Steinbrenner, the billionaire who pretends he is a millionaire, so we'll feel sorry for him. Cano's run to Seattle was the classic case where greed and stupidity marched hand-in-hand. Had he stayed a Yankee, Cano would have made more money in endorsements, announcing gigs, and the psychic rewards that come to all-time great Yankees. He turned his back on us, and though his season is about to end, his sentence to Purgatory still has five more years.

I hope we sweep the bastards this weekend and put this insufferable dog to sleep for another year. But either way, they're toast. Another season, shot to hell. Five left. So long, suckahs.