John Sterling Scientific Analysis of Pitching to Leadoff Batters

You wanted to know: Is it wise to walk the leadoff batter?

We put it to the Master.

Almost forgot: Belated congrats to Redsocks for ending 31-inning run drought

I don't think anything more needs to be said.

Please Pass The Paddle

For the ages: John's 7.72-second SweepWarble

When you're alone and life is making you lonely you can always go...

here...
.

All Good Poets Wait Until the 15th Inning

Up today on Bardball:

No Matter How Good

by Stu Shea

No matter how good
Or no matter how much,
We all know that know A-Rod can’t hit in the clutch.

Ignore how he’s gotten
The Yanks out of dutch.
The guys say that A-Rod can’t hit in the clutch.

They’ll wave their statistics
And say such and such,
But we know that A-Rod can’t hit in the clutch.

The radio told us,
And they’ve got the touch.
That’s how we know he can’t hit in the clutch.

All those smart guys can go back
And hide in their hutch.
‘Cause I say that A-Rod can’t hit in the clutch.

Obama is Kenyan!
Health care’s a crutch!
And I know that A-Rod can’t hit in the clutch!

Conundrum: Should John's Verbally Enhanced WinWarble Last Night Count?

Problem.

This is getting too intense. The pressure. The stress. I feel like Cool Hand Luke after eating the 50 eggs, (before the salad dressing deal), rising from a night in the box and telling the hambone lug George Kennedy (before he becomes a made-for-TV dork) to, "STOP LIVING OFFFFFFFF MEEEEE." That's what's happening. I'm being forced to make life or death decisions on the snap of a finger (and on vacation, too), and if I mess up, one mistake, it will haunt me for the rest of my life... or worse, we could lose a big ballgame. (Reminder Note: Every ballgame is a big ballgame.)

Dilemma: Last night, on his WinWarble, John cried, and I'm paraphrasing, because the words nearly fried my head and laptop simultaneously: "Ballgame over, Yankees sweep Boston, Yankees win, thuuuh Yankees win."

I'll try to get it up later (I'm talking about the WinWarble; why do you folks have to be so dirty), but the question is: DOES IT COUNT ON THE STERLING INDEX?

If it counts, John Sterling may well have blown a 10.00 WinWarble... but did he cheat? He used verbal supplements. He used artificial enhancements, the kind Bud Selig applies to his head to become smarter and grow hair at the same time.

John may have ruined the integrity of the WinWarble index. It's not fair to the other Warbles.

Was last night's potential all-time WinWarble delivered by the Voice of the Yankees, driven by cheat?

But on the flipside, i f I rule against it, who am I? I'm Stalin. I'm Hitler. I'm that Supreme Leader in Iran. I am censoring art. I am silencing art the work of a great articulator. I will be trying to crush the creative spirit of one the great Yankee radio voices -- one of the two great Yankee radio voices... I will become The Machine, the souless, empty suckhole devourer of souls, and Holy Shit, I'm creeping myself out just writing this.

What now? It's like that last scene, with Cool Hand Luke in the church, and the hounds are coming, (and he doesn't realize that it's going to be the same dark fate a few years later, when he and Sundance will be surrounded by the entire Mexican army, and he still won't get an Oscar), so I'm in that church, nearly vomiting because of the 666 on my head, holding my hairy palms to heaven, praying for a salad dressing or lemonaide recipe, or maybe a talk show deal on Fox, anything, to keep the dog from tearing asunder my tortured soul: Luke and I yell, "What do I do? What in thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh world do I do?"

Well?

Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese lllitttleee toooowwwwnn bluuuuueeeesssss...

They have definitely melted away.

Letter to the Editor

Tampa Tribune (Florida)
August 1, 2009 Saturday

Dear Editor

While watching the Yankee vs. Tampa Bay baseball game on ESPN the other night, the commentators discussed that Rays should retaliate against New York because a pitched ball almost hit one of the batters, Evan Longoria.

Once was not enough. This was discussed over and over. Considering this game began at 6 p.m. Central time and many youngsters possibly were watching and listening, I think these remarks were very inappropriate. I think their remarks deserve some type of discipline.

DEL LANCASTER
New Orleans

Chart Outlining Scientific Frequency of Mark Teixteira Doing Something Incredible, According to John Sterling

Cheapskate Tampa-ons trying to gouge us on water bill

They'll do anything to get back at us. Anything.

Frankly, I wouldn't drink their water. I wouldn't even use it to wash my pigs. I would pipe water in from Punta Gorda. I would tear out cacti and squeeze it from roots before I would put up with their blood for water hostage-taking.

Forty-two thousand dollars? Blood for water.

What would be the ultimate perfect game?

Nobody for nine innings gets on base... except one.

Youkilis.

For a beaning.

Alex Rodriguez, A True Yankee, August 8, 2009

Build your own Blingee

It Only Sounds Dirty

Clay Bellinger
Dusty Bergman
Burleigh Grimes
Oscar Grimes
Clay Parker
Muddy Ruel

JOHN SHATTERS THE WORLD WINWARBLE RECORD

An 8.02-second Walk-off WinWarble!

Six tenths of a second longer than the longest recorded WinWarble in the history of recorded WinWarbles!

A J-BOMB... DRIVEN BY JEEP!


I CHALLENGE YOU TO LISTEN TO THIS AND REMAIN UNCHANGED... AT LEAST IN UNDERWEAR! GOOSEBUMPS!

THIS IS A WARBLE OF VICTORY! THIS IS A WARBLE THAT SAYS TO THE UNIVERSE, WE ARE HUMANKIND, AND WE ARE HERE TO STAY!

This game is going to drive me nuts

It's never going to end.

Did the Redsocks just give us our 8th inning bridge to Mariano?

Maybe I'm missing something, but I always thought before they jettisoned a great pitcher like John Smoltz, they would try him in the bullpen. To be honest, I feared it.

Today, they stabbed him, buried him under the floorboards and opened the windows, hoping visitors won't notice the smell.

Obviously, I haven't thought this through -- but that never stopped me before -- why not give him a call?

One inning. That's all we need. Send Robertson to Scranton until Sept. 1.

We could use another Wade Boggs.

Leaked Draft of Papi's Public Apology

Hello? Can you hear me? Thanks for coming...

First, I apologize to everybody who bought into MLB's marketing bullshit. They hijacked my identity. They took my soul. Look, I'm not a sweet, gentle man. I'm not a cuddle bear. I'm a brutal, violent hardass. Like everybody else. They just needed an image to sell. I went along with it. Big mistake. Now, everything I once stood for -- the smile, the kindness, the racial harmony, the love of kids -- it's all turned to shit. This is how kids grow up without heroes.

To all of you fans who believed... I apologize.

Second, I want to acknowledge the secret guy -- Anonymous, he calls himself -- who runs baseball. He's the guy with the list of players who tested positive in 2003. A hundred names, and he gets to choose who goes public. He's controlling the pennant race. He names you and -- boom - your team takes a huge hit. If I were into organized crime or gambling, I'd sure want to know this guy. Imagine the money to be made by outing players. Say it can't happen? Ask Paul Byrd. Yeah, that guy Anonymous -- when he's not posting comments on IIH -- he's the most powerful man in baseball.

Finally, I want to apologize to my teammates. No, not for cheating. Hell, if I hadn't cheated, I'd have apologized a long time ago. Nope, I apologize for Thursday night. Two on, no outs, Joba can't buy a strike, and I swing at the second pitch? Ridiculous! Routine pop-up. What was I thinking! Maybe I was thinking about this bullshit press conference. Or the MLB crackdown on drugs. What a joke. I'd apologize for the idiots who run MLB, but I've met them, and believe me -- you can't apologize for them. They're just too sorry.

The Minnesota Twit

You cannot predict the game of baseball.

Pavano is a Twin.

Thong Sung Blue

Redsock Nation ready to send Smoltz to North Korea

Heck hath no fury...

I thought we were bad (and we are, by the way, totally bipolar, why deny it?)... but the bile gushing up from the wellsprings of jolly old Catholic Boston today for Mr. John Smoltz could propel a spaceship to Jupiter. And the Nation would like to see him on it.

"Smoltzuzaka," they call him. "Wild card race," they say. "David the Distraction" Ortiz, they decry.

This is like watching the Republicans meltdown last fall, when that lady robot in the McCain "town meeting" called Obama a terrorist, and he had to try and talk the party off the ledge. (QUICK QUESTION: Is anybody checking the levels of nitrous oxide in the planet's atmosphere?)

If we can keep this thing going for three more days -- it's probably too much to ask for -- but if we could sweep the bastards, give them a taste of what we've endured this year -- they might not get up off the mat again this year. If there was ever a standing knockout -- remember how George Chuvalo wouldn't fall? -- this is it. All we gotta do is take down Beckett today, or outpitch him. Clay Buchholtz isn't going to jumpstart this team. And it would be nice to see Jason Bay trying to be a hero, running in the outfield with his hammy barking.

We have them where we want them. It's been a long, long time since we've been here. No excuses. Or tomorrow, we'll be screaming about Burnettzuzaka.

Five things you didn't want to know about Chad Gaudin

1. He was the youngest Devil Ray in history to debut in the majors. Think about that for a moment. The Devil Rays. They would have brought up Corey Feldman if they thought it would sell 20 tickets. I don't know if he still is on record as the youngest Devil Ray in history. They've probably played the entire cast of High School Musical at certain times, but this guy was a legitimate phenom -- as was SuperFrankenstein back in the 1950s.

2. In 2004, Chad was traded to Toronto for future Yankee lugnut Kevin Cash. This has to go down as one of history's great ironies, two kayaks passing in the night. Truth is, everybody in baseball is traded for some future Yankee at some point in their careers. You could look it up. Instead of having Old-Timers Day with geezers out in the field, testing their pacemakers, they could set aside 40,000 tickets and have former Yankees fill the stands.

3. In December 2007, Chad had a sesamoidectomy. He knows the way to Sesamoid Street.

4. His girlfriend is, or at least was, Syndal Gorden. A miracle of modern architecture, the First Lady of Balcony Vistas, this proves once-and-for all something. Not sure what. Something.

5. Deadspin called him "The Amish Rifle." Damned if I can figure out why. He must like to farm. Or maybe he refuses to use buttons. Let's just hope Suzyn doesn't try to interview him with one of them newfangle electric microphone contraptions. He must be Amish, right?

John disses the Redsocks with sub-6.00 WinWarble

It's a sad day when the radio voice of a certain team, driven by a certain car named Jeep, doesn't even summon the bile to belch a 6.00+ WinWarble, following the year's first drubbing over a certain arch rival.

But glorioski: That's what the Yankiverse experienced last night, when John Sterling rendered unto the night skies of Gotham a mere 5.19- second Warble, a yeowl more befitting of a mid-April victory over Kansas City.

What an insult! What a put down! This is like sending Jessica Simpson a membership in the Pizza of the Month club. Like visiting Utica and not even mentioning Annette Funicello. Like going to Hershey and eating Nestles. Like holding out your right hand to shake the Pope's broken wrist. Like... ohhhh... this is bad. This is Woody Allen schtupping his daughter-in-law (or whatever that relationship was) bad.

I can only hope that owner John Henry, Boston's greatest ladies man since Albert de Salvo, had squirreled away an extra 500 mg of Viagra (to top his regular 48-hour Cialis jag) to get through the night with his wife, Dakota Fanning.

A 5.19 WinWarble. Over Boston. The nastiest thing John Sterling ever did.

Turn it up, sing the song, TURN IT UP!

El Duque, el done?

That's what they're saying.

Farewell, old chum.

On those teams, he was my fave... in case anyone ever wondered.

"Tonight We Raid Calais."

In the terrible days of WWII, we often sent our best and bravest

to perform impossible tasks in the face of harm's way.

Raiding the occupied Port of Calais on the northwest coast of France was one such venture.

There was great destruction, terror and death on both sides.

But the good guys won.

Turn now to August 6, 2009.  The Bronx.  A spanking new palace

for heroes and legends.

The hated and despised enemy slinks in without welcome.  Their

assigned task is to enslave and humiliate the innocents.

They have done this before.  They have done this 8 times in 2009

and there has been no retribution.  None.  

So the battered, but noble Yankee fans hold their heads in worry.

But if the past is prologue, if we learned anything at all from the fine
efforts of "our best generation," we shall prevail.

It is our time.  It is the world's time.  

Please don't make me swallow the Acetaminophen bottle.

I'm still worried.

Steven Tyler hospitalized after falling off stage

This has to mean something good for us is gonna happen this weekend.

Experts Predict Male Breast Reduction Spike In 2011, Cite Impact Of Looming NFL Lockout On Fantasy Football GMs

Think about it.

Jose Veras exits Cleveland

I feel sad when one of our ex-mates nears his last act. And it sure looks like the final Jose Veras Time.

I always questioned his age. He sure didn't look 30. He sweated like 50. No lead was safe. And yet... the guy had "stuff."

Remember that Angels game when he and Edwar Ramirez teamed up to surrender about 10 runs, before recording one out? That was the stuff of genius.

Remember how he always... always... walked the leadoff batter? Legend!

Let's turn the Wayback to June 10...

IT'S JOSE VERAS TIME

When all our pitching turns to slime,
When every fielder’s lodged some crime,
Our deficit’s too tall to climb,
We shout, “It’s Jose Veras time!”

When everybody's past his prime,
Our chances, they’re not worth a dime.
That’s when Girardi’s voice will chime,
“All right, it’s Jose Veras time!”

The Yankee death knell creeps, sublime,
Our tortured souls interred with grime,
It even sucks to write this rhyme,
When trapped in Jose Veras time.

Farewell, old bean.

Prediction: John will break the all-time WinWarble record this weekend

It stands at 7.94 seconds.



In the meantime, here is the updated Sterling Index. The Red Bar is his first-half average. As you can see, he's treading water, saving up for a huge eruption... waiting to pounce.


He is like a caged lion, brooding and snarling, ready to attack his zookeeper, obsessed with the primal urger to gourge himself on the meat of his captors!

Tonight... the lion pounces!

Melky pulls ball... John pulls hyperbole

Obama to invite Youkilis, Joba, for beers in White House

Hey, why not bring them together, sing songs and end the beanings! Here's to the rivalry!

Hey, let's have ARod knock one back with VTek!


And Josh with CC Sabasha!

Whoa! A toash to Jeesh and Dushin Pedroer!

Hey, Joe Girarrri and... whazhisname!

Yo! The shooorshop and the ouffffeeler!

And the pisher, Annie Pedddit and... uhmmm...

Take wondow an pashit arouw... fordynine bottos abeer ondawaw...

Hick... Hid... hick... HICKEDI MATSHOOOI!

GAHHHHHHHHHH! HIT EM IN THE HEAD!

John saving up for Boston: A mere 5.72 WinWarble over Toronto

PREDICTION:

If we beat Boston sometime this weekend, with anything remotely resembling a walkoff...

JOHN WILL BREAK HIS ALL-TIME WINWARBLE RECORD OF 7.94 SECONDS.

Cash for Clunkers: Yanks Sign Russ Ortiz

Is this the stimulus package?

Ten Fun Facts about Russ Ortiz.

1. California native Russ weighs 220!

2. We are his 6th MLB organization!

3. In 1999, Russ won 18 games for San Francisco!

4. In 2000, Russ went 10-4 in the second half, helping the Giants to the playoffs!

5. In 2001, Russ went 17-9!

6. In 2002, his 6-game winning streak down the stretch pushed the San Francisco Giants into the playoffs!

7. In 2003, Russ went 21-7 and came in 4th in the Cy Young balloting for Atlanta!

8. In 2004, Russ won 15!

9. In 2007, Russ blew out his elbow!

10. Houston released Russ Thursday.

In the movies, we win it all for this guy

South New Berlin.

When I was there, the South New Berlin High School team played 7-man football.

Chenango County. South of New Berlin, backyard to Norwich, between Morris and Columbus, north of Sidney, a tee-shot from Oneonta, (the former Staten Island.)

A Yankee area. Redsock fans shot for trespassing.

I say we win it for this guy.

Redsocks bring up Broadway Billy Traber

Unless he's Carlos Penaed or Carl Crawforded tonight... (who'd want to lay bets?)... the '08 Yankee King of Spring -- all-time month of March temp bullpen situational lefty sensation Billy Traber! -- returns to Yankee Stadium this weekend wearing Redsockian polyesters decorated with Theo Epstein's lipstick and easy-access syringe holes at the butt.

Boston promoted him from Pawtucket-Wilkes Barre today.

Wow. There's a glimpse into our recent pre-Phil Cokian past.

Maybe our bullpen isn't so bad after all.

UPDATE: WE COUNTER BY BRINGING UP ANTHONY CLAGGETT!

Dallas Cowboys to challenge Yanks for "Most Obscene Pricing Structure" crown

Ninety dollars for a pizza?

Do Cowboys fans have sex with pizzas?

John's WinWarble last night: A solid 6.61 seconds

Coming soon, updated Sterling Index for the second half.

Hint: HE'S HOT.

Cooperstown set to waive career requirement for Daniel Bard

COOPERSTOWN _ The National Baseball Hall of Fame today announced it will drop outmoded past career achievement requirements in order to induct Boston Redsock great Daniel Bard immediately, perhaps by this weekend.

Officials say the move stems from a unanimous vote by the MLB Board of Doddering and Swarmy ESPN Baseball Sportswriters, who have recognized Bard's long-underappreciated work.

"They're doing the right thing," said a white-haired ESPN analyst and former Boston sportswriter, who gave his name only as Peter. "There's no doubt that Bard is the best. Ever. Better that Papelbon, who wants too much money. By getting in on the ground floor, fans can appreciate him now, rather than waiting until he's 45."

Bard's bronze plaque will hang next to that of Jacoby Ellsbury's in the Hall's special Boston wing, a breathtaking piece of shrinery designed in the shape of a 400-foot syringe.

What I Think Of Sergio Mitre as The Yankee's Fifth Starter

I actually believe Nick Swisher is better than this flunkie.

We'll get maybe 3.1 innings from Sergio tonight, 8 earned runs, 4 walks, 2 hit batsmen and no strike outs.

His 61 mph fast ball just doesn't fool anyone.  And the famous Mitre sinker floats across the middle of the plate, waste high, at about 55 mph.

He won 2 games at AAA with run support averaging 22 per game.

We will have to score in the mid-teens tonight to hold on.

And we can't trash the bullpen with the 0-8 Red Sox coming in.

So, would it really be that bad to just forfeit this one? 

 Give A-Rod some quality time with Kate?

Girardi has found his 8th inning "bridge to Mariano."

Mariano Rivera.

Ali v. Frazier. Lincoln v. Douglas. Tonight: Mitre v. Rzepcynski.

Brown v. Board.

Apple v. PC.

Godzilla v. Kong.

Mitre v. Rzepcynski.

People v. Nixon.

Gin v. Whiskey.

Alien v. Predator.

Mitre vs. Rzepcynski.

Man v. Woman.

Alphonso v. Hinske.

Martin v. Lewis.

Mitre vs. Rzepcynski.

Mitre! Rzepcynski!

Tonight! The Dome!

Two nobodies enter!

One doesn't go home!

Ancient Skull Coming to Syracuse, nearly coinciding with Kei Igawa

BREAKING: MAX, the Ancient Crystal Healing Skull -- with caretaker Joann Parks (above, on right) -- is coming to Syracuse the weekend of Aug. 28-30.

Joann Parks inherited MAX from a Tibetan healer, Norbu Chen, where she worked as a receptionist/assistant, upon his passing. Joann now travels the globe, sharing MAX with people and selling minature crystal skulls, each which hold the mysterious energies of MAX.


Amazingly... and strangely... the arrival of MAX will be sandwiched by contests between the Syracuse Chiefs and the Scranton-Wilkes Barre Red Baron-Yankees.

Don't believe it? Too incredible? Well, here's proof!



NOTE: For unexplained reasons, Syracuse will play Louisville while MAX is in town. Kei Igawa might not get a chance to see the skull.

Yanks excited about new Pynchon novel

NEW YORK _ These days, talk in the Yank clubhouse centers around one hot topic -- and, no, this time it's not the President's health care plan.

It's Inherent Vice, the latest page-turner from the master of the beach-read, Thomas Pynchon, out today.

"We camped all night at the Barnes & Noble," said Melky Cabrera, through interpreter Robbie Cano, who are avid fans of the brassy novelist. "To celebrate the occasion, I dressed up as a giant adenoid, and Robbie came as a banana-egg souffle."

Cabrera recently finished rereading Beyond Good & Evil: Prelude to a Philosophy of the Future by Friedrich Nietzsche, so the new Pynchon thriller arrives just in time.

He plans to bring the Pynchon novel to the team book club, as soon as the current reading -- The Bhagavad Gita by Eknath Easwaran -- is finished.

"Every Pynchon novel is fraught with myriad obstacles," said Joba Chamberlain. "I anticipate the veritable cornucopia of imagery that befits the writer's singular fabric."

Our other AROD is tearing up the NYP League

With Jesus Montero nursing his finger, it's time for Yankee Hype Plan B.

AROD II:

Arodys Vizcaino, of the Staten Eillanders.

As you can see, he's 19.

Now, check this out: 15 straight scoreless innings.

OK, dime a dozen. He's probably the next Ed Yarnell. Still, we could have traded him -- and Phil Hughes, Joba Chamberlain and Brett Gardner -- for Roy Halladay.

We didn't. Be thankful. We have two Arods.

If this were a movie, we'd trade for Pavano, and he would lead us to a ring

OK, Sergie Mitre (Joaquin Phoenix) isn't the answer for our pitching rotation, and there's nobody else out there worth a jar of Vasilene who can clear waivers.

Our team -- a ragtag collection of loveable losers, alchies and bizarre characters (Mos Def, Andy Richter, Dakota Fanning) -- is turning gloomy.

Even the manager (Ray Romano) is finding it hard to tell his cute 9-year-old daughter (Angelina Jolie, through digital enhancement) there is hope.

And one day, the GM (the fat guy who plays Hurley on "Lost") makes an announcement.

"Boys, meet your new fifth starter."

In strides Carl Pavano (Hugh Jackman.)

The sportswriters (Jack Black, Cate Blanchett portraying a man) go crazy. The fans vow a boycott. The players rebell. But he wins them over, one by one.

And he brings a championship trophy to the beloved owner (Harrison Ford.)

In the movies, it works. Well?

Got any better ideas?

MLB hires Birther Movement to investigate Latino signings

Is Obama American... or born of Satan?

How old is Wily Mo Pena?

Could Jose Veras provide Lou Dobbs with a birth certificate?

Jesus Montero... terror threat?

Hey, ratings is ratings.

He knows the rule about underwear and winning streaks

Koichi Wakata deserves to be somebody's Employee of the Month.

Roget's mlb.com literary headline of the day

And it's true. They are.

Yanks Announce Ryan O'Neal Day Promotion at Stadium

The first 12,000 fans in attendance under the age of 39 will receive a free hit-on attempt by Ryan O'Neal.

Are we waiting for the Redsocks to take first, so we can pull a waiver deal?

As long as they're in second, they can block our trade for Jon Garland, Bronson Arroyo, Aaron Harang or Gil Meche.

But once we cleverly fall behind them... HAH! EPSTEIN AND HIS STOOGES WILL HAVE BEEN OUTSMARTED AGAIN! MWAH-HA-HAHAHA!

Yanks playing near .700 ball since Michael Jackson's death

We are 23-10 since his passing, June 25.

Hitting through his tears that night, Arod tied Reggie Jackson's career HR record.

Was Michael's untimely death a wake-up call to a clubhouse barely getting by on hourly shots of demerol, horse tranquilizer and feminine hair-removal products?

Did a star have to die for this team to finally decide to "Beat It?"

Michael passed away. We came alive.

Coincidence?

Doug Mientkiewicz's Fantasy Life Looks Maybe More Eventful Than Phil Hughes' Fantasy Life.

Phil Hughes is blogging again.

Toronto is one of the better cities to have an off day. But, without a car, there are only so many things you can do. I might go hit up a mall or something.

Fun! Meanwhile, follow the @reply links on Doug Mientkiewicz's tweets to meet a bone-extending bevy of porn stars and Playboy models! Wow!

Yanks 18-9 since Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson

What? You think it's unrelated? You're a fool.

We caught fire when Tony finally faced up to the reality that their relationship was merely physical, and there was nothing between them, besides French fries.

When he made the break, Romo's liberation reverberated throughout the Yankee clubhouse like a thunderclap, or a case of clap, awakening long dormant Yankee bats.

If we could hook her up with Youk...

Let's Give El Duque August Off From Elections !

I know there are people out there who will consider this suggestion, "Un-American."  Anti-Democratic.  Against the Constitution.  A usurpation of individual rights.

Nonetheless, I think we could all agree to agree that Melky Cabrerra is the Yankee of the month for August.

His "hitting for the circuit" feat of yesterday, puts him in the company of Bobby Murcer, Joe D, Mickey Mantle, and Joe Gordon.

Of course, knowing that this IIH,IIF,IIc approbation has a similar, career threatening impact on the chosen athlete  as being on the cover of SI, Melky should be our " secret " winner.

We can hold a sham election in August without Melky's name on the ballot.  Just include a list of losers whom we want to see back in AA ball.  Or selling asphalt shingles at Home

 Depot ( perhaps some of our recent number one draft picks will qualify).

My vote is for Jesus to get the August award in recognition of the finger he broke in the dyke last week, attempting to save Trenton from the great flood. 

If we can make this one, summer-induced, anti-democratic concession, El Duque will not have to agonize about the "list" of nominees. 

 He can just chill and give no thought to those radicals in our midst who challenge him on every ballot.  He can simply chug a growler and laugh.  And enjoy August.

No matter what happens, I don't see us winning any regular season games from Boston.

So, we'll need a stress reliever for that.

Yanks under .500 since Sarah Palin quit

We are 3-4, for those of you who are lucky enough to be scoring at home.

Thirty Years Ago Today, the Scooter Spoke Poetry

From a book SuperFrankenstein and I are rather fond of...



PRAYER FOR THE CAPTAIN

By Phil Rizzuto


There's a little prayer I always say
Whenever I think of my family or when I'm flying,
When I'm afraid, and I am afraid of flying.
It's just a little one. You can say it no matter what,
Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Protestant or whatever,
And I've probably said it a thousand times
Since I heard the news on Thurman Munson.

It's not trying to be maudlin or anything.
His Eminence, Cardinal Cooke, is going to come out
And say a little prayer for Thurman Munson.
But this is just a little one I say time and time again.
It's just, Angel of God, Thurman's guardian dear,
To whom his love commits him, here, there or everywhere,
Ever this night and day be at his side,
To light and guard, to rule and guide.

For some reason, it makes me feel like I'm talking to Thurman,
Or whoever's name you put in there,
Whether it be my wife, or any of my children, my parents or anything.
It's just something to keep you really from going bananas.
Because if you let this,
If you keep thinking about what happened, and you can't understand it,
That's what really drives you to despair.

Faith. You gotta have faith.
You know, they say time heals all wounds,
And I don't quite agree with that a hundred percent.
It gets you to cope with wounds.
You carry them the rest of your life.


August 3, 1979
Baltimore at New York
Pre-game show

Weekend Roidsocks news wrapup

Item 1:
The Red sox have fired two staffers (including Jerry Remy's son) after an investigation into steroid use.

One team employee, however, seems to have gotten off scot-free.




Item 2:
Here's a recap of all the follow-up coverage on ESPN.com on the David Ortiz steroid scandal.


...

Yankeetorial: Melky Cabrera has risen from the grave

A year ago, his game became a stinkbomb. He suddenly turned into the switch out, the guy who can't hit from either side. Maybe he was partying. Or maybe that "romance" with porn star Mary Carey. They banished him teary-eyed to Columbus-Wilkes Barre and last winter offered him around like a plate of bad clams in a paper bag. Nobody bit. Nobody expected a Yankee career. The question seemed whether he'd go alone or with his always clean-uniformed pal, Robbie Cano.

Well, goddammit, Melky didn't turn into Roger Repoz.

He changed his number from 28 to 53 -- a Bernie Williams-type number, a do-it-yourself number, the number of a guy who's worked in coal mines next to dead canaries.

He learned to bear down in the clutch, which might just be something a guy can only learn by walking to the edge and staring into the abyss.

His average is rising to .300, which is what he hit throughout the minor leagues.

Until yesterday, you could say Melky's greatest moment as a Yankee was punching out Evan Longoria last year during the spring training brawl after Shelley Duncan gored the Tampa Bay secondbaseman in the testicles, days after the cheap shot on Cervelli at home plate.

We didn't trade him for Roy Halladay -- (along with small army, including either Joba or Phil) -- and some of you are screaming bloody murder about Johnny Cash's failure to cut a megadeal, while the Boston, Ma., Redsocks stole Vickie Martinez (their third DH, counting Lowell and the Stay-Free Maxi Papi.)

It's impossible to analyze the trade that doesn'tt happen.

But if Melky or Brett Gardner were gone -- I'm betting one would have been -- I'm am here to give thanks that we didn't pull the trigger on Roy Halladay. Both have earned pinstripes, and we could have them for many years.

On Aug. 11, Melky turns 25. (Lou Dobbs might want to see the birth certificate.)

To those who would heckle the Melk Man, here's his proud response.

Where your most wicked nightmare becomes reality: The Sterling Festival

'Tis high, 'tis far... 'tis a delight for all.

Clay Buchholtz has a masterful game

Against their cousins, the O's, no less.


The man's a god.

Yay!!! Yankees Win!!!

Time to celebrate!!!

Scranton has more problems than pitching

Looks as though the oilcans running Coal Mine City - as they courted our Yankees -- were giving folks the shaft.

The U.S. attorney's office has issued a grand jury subpoena seeking records from the county authority that oversees PNC Field.

The Poohbahs spent Pavano-style money to resurface a field that drains about as quickly as Matsui's knee. Turns out, they foresaw a new House That Kei Built. Writes Times-Trib reporter Charles Schillinger:

The field, installed in 2007, will need to be replaced this year after it failed to properly drain water. It was learned recently the field was only meant to last three to five years. Mr. Cordaro had planned to replace PNC Field with a new stadium for the SWB Yankees - with the understanding that the management company would first agree to invest $150 million in a New York Yankees-themed retail complex, hotel and museum.

Hold on, Syracuse. We may not have to endure the Washington Nationals forever.

The Finger of Jesus Hath Been Broke

And so it came to pass, in the year without Halladay, in a time of great gnashing among the Gammonites following the betrayal of Papi, that Jesus of Trenton did suffer a fracture of the carpal; and he was idled for the resteth of the season, or at least until the League of Instruction could restarth in the autumn.

.

And washing his hands of this was PJ "Pontius" Pilittere...

Gluten-Free Girl: Yankee Hater of the Week

"And so, I hate the Yankees. Sorry to lose you if you're a fan of the pinstripes. That's just the way it is.Any association I have with the Yankees is going to be tainted. I'm never going to like them. "

Anybody wanna spike this babe's next Boston Cream Pie with a dash of barley?

Don't Tell Cashman

Shhh

John's Rousing Post-Game Speech to Yankiverse after Yesterday's Loss

Kei Igawa becomes first human being to be twice elected IIH YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

"Mr. Watson, come here; I want to see you...."

So spake Alexander Graham Bell (right) in history's first conversation through the remarkable device that we now know of as the leash. These immortal words will live forever, as immortal words do, along with the news today that IIH voters have for the first time elected a two-time YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH.

CONGRATULATIONS, KEI IGAWA, FIRST MAN TO DO THE IMPOSSIBLE...

JULY YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH.

The question:

What impact will this selection have on the all-time most winningest pitcher in Scranton-Wilkes Barre, Pa., history... and the Yankiverse?

For those of you who are novices to the scientific field of Yankeeology, the IIH Yankee of the Month curse -- No. 35 on talk show host Glen Beck's tenets of taking back America -- is currently being studied by the Pentagon for weapon potential. ("Ladies and gentlemen, meet the December Yankee Employee of the Month, Kim Il Jong!")

Ever since Phil Hughes won the honor and went 0 for 2008, top Yankeeologists have attempted to identify, measure and cut deals with whatever dark forces are unleashed when a human being is named Yankee Employee of the Month. The curse has nearly destroyed careers (Shelley Duncan, Chien-Ming Wang, Sidney Ponson) and bruised the reputations of great men and women (Carl Pavano, Jason Zillo.)

Igawa (pictured above in the protective garb worn to ward off negative juju) is the first Yankee Employeenaut... going to a place never before seen by man.

We do not know what will happen next.

But yesterday, Kei threw five-plus innings
and gave up only one earned run!

I Don't Get It, But I Like It

Doug Mientkiewicz' Twitter feed

Hold it together, folks, and don't forget one thing: Boston blinked.

Remember the ecstacy dance we performed last year, contemplating Ivan Rodriguez as a Yankee, and how little we had given up to get him?

Let the Redsocks do the Victor Martinez fandango. He's not the pennant. If Martinez catches, Varitek becomes a clubhouse ogre. Let me repeat that: The captain becomes a toothache. If Martinez plays first, they have a guy whose glove goes clank. He's never parachuted into a firepit like this, and the sportswriters can trowel all their pigeon crap about what a grand and glorious man he is -- they don't know any more than you or me what he's made of -- they're just working sources, so certain people will call them back on deadline.

We didn't give up Jesus Montero, or Mark Melancon, or Phil Hughes, or Joba, or Ivan Nova, or anybody... and I truly believe that we will pay homage to that non-trade for many years. JR Ricciardi -- born in Massachusetts and the lifelong Celtics & Bruins fan (re: Redsock fan) that he is, wanted to stick it to us by withholding Halladay. So be it. We'll buy Halladay on the free agent market in 2011, and Riccardi can work for Theo in the Pawtucket franchise, cleaning rest rooms.

Our problem right now is that fifth starter. It's not Mitre, and we have to wonder how the Yankee scouts could have been so wrong as to fast-track him the way they did. (Seriously, I gulp in writing this, but Brett Tomko might have performed better.) If not for the failure of our bullpen in May, forcing us to use Hughes in the bullpen -- where he has been magnificent -- we would have no problem: He would be our fifth starter, maybe our fourth or third.

As of now, I am no longer being pessimistic, and I challenge Alphonso -- the most pessimistic fan in the Yankiverse (who is actually doing his juju via pessimism; how many of you know that?) -- to readdress where we are:

We are an Aaron Small away from being the best team in baseball.

We can find him. Boston blinked. This is our year.

American League Losers Continue Assault on Yankees

So I'm sitting at the bar in the Cantina yesterday, awaiting the second game of our South Mexican Dirt Field League double-header against the

Colorado ( Mexico ) Fire Ants, and a report comes over ESPN Mexicana on the black and white TV in the corner.

It reads:

"Yankees lose second in a row to no-name pitchers on White Sox. Sox trade top prospects for Jake Peavy ( on the DL ) who has vowed never to play in Chicago."

Then, I see this " scroll " across the bottom of the screen, from Cleveland:

Cleveland trades 3 time all star Victor Martinez to Red Sox. Cleveland to get:

1. Carton of slightly used resin bags.

2. An unused anchor for second base.

3, A day-glo plastic Jesus.

4. Two over-sized catchers mitts.

5. A picture of Willie Mays' catch off Vic Wertz in the 1954 World Series.

Boston gets a .297 hitting switch hitter who drives in at least 90 runs a year and can play first base as well as catch. And he's young.

Cleveland accepts , as their end of this balanced trade, 10% of what the Twins got for Santana.

Boston did not have to give up one prospect with more upside than Andrew Brackman of the Yankee's A-ball team.

How does this happen?

Other teams demand from the Yankees, Hughes, Cano, Joba, and Melky at the front-end of any package for anyone still breathing. Then, we have to let the other side pick three from Austin Jackson, Mark Melancon, Jesus of Nazareth, and Frankie Cervelli.

For which, we get a 33 year-old back-up with arm trouble, bad knees and a 4 year contract with $15 million due each year.

Now I see why we are so insistent that Cashman do nothing.

Someone out there really hates us.

Pass the tequila, please, and roll over a couple of those pickled eggs.

And turn off that television.

In search of 5th starter, Yanks to restart "Cash for Clunkers" program

New York _ Following the roadside breakdown of their 1973 Gran Torino, Sergio Mitre, the Yankees announced Friday they will launch a "Cash for Clunkers" program in search of a more innings-efficient fifth starter.

"We're going green, and that means recycling," general manager Brian Cashman told reporters Friday night, after Mitre pitched three innings and somehow lost 13 hubcaps. "We intend to bump start the rotation by finding something in the scrap heap."

Among the possibilities, a seldom driven 1994 Tercel, Kei Igawa, and the recently acquired 1998 minivan, Jason Hirsh.

Cashman defended the team's decision not to trade for a hurler Friday, before the deadline ended.

"It's true that we didn't get anything," he said. "But we didn't give up anything either. So it wasn't a loss. We didn't help ourselves, but we didn't hurt ourselves. We treaded water. We stayed where we were, which is where we are. But we're getting there."