Leaked Draft of Papi's Public Apology

Hello? Can you hear me? Thanks for coming...

First, I apologize to everybody who bought into MLB's marketing bullshit. They hijacked my identity. They took my soul. Look, I'm not a sweet, gentle man. I'm not a cuddle bear. I'm a brutal, violent hardass. Like everybody else. They just needed an image to sell. I went along with it. Big mistake. Now, everything I once stood for -- the smile, the kindness, the racial harmony, the love of kids -- it's all turned to shit. This is how kids grow up without heroes.

To all of you fans who believed... I apologize.

Second, I want to acknowledge the secret guy -- Anonymous, he calls himself -- who runs baseball. He's the guy with the list of players who tested positive in 2003. A hundred names, and he gets to choose who goes public. He's controlling the pennant race. He names you and -- boom - your team takes a huge hit. If I were into organized crime or gambling, I'd sure want to know this guy. Imagine the money to be made by outing players. Say it can't happen? Ask Paul Byrd. Yeah, that guy Anonymous -- when he's not posting comments on IIH -- he's the most powerful man in baseball.

Finally, I want to apologize to my teammates. No, not for cheating. Hell, if I hadn't cheated, I'd have apologized a long time ago. Nope, I apologize for Thursday night. Two on, no outs, Joba can't buy a strike, and I swing at the second pitch? Ridiculous! Routine pop-up. What was I thinking! Maybe I was thinking about this bullshit press conference. Or the MLB crackdown on drugs. What a joke. I'd apologize for the idiots who run MLB, but I've met them, and believe me -- you can't apologize for them. They're just too sorry.