Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Beautiful New Congress Debates Yankee Bailout; 6 Key Questions

Congress is set to begin a heated debate on whether the New York Yankees will be next in line for a federal bailout.

Democratic leaders in Congress are in favor of some kind of help, as is President-Elect Obama. But the Bush Administration has balked on proposals to let the New York Yankees rebuild, preferring that that the Red Sox simply take over the American League East.

How this debate plays out could determine whether the Yankees survive as a competitive team, and in what form. Here are some quick answers to six key questions about this latest American economic crisis:

1. What do Yankee fans want?
Basically, this is considered irrelevant and immaterial.

2.How many wins can the Yankees expect in 2009, even with federal bailout money?

The current Yankee roster is on target for about 70 wins, even with Carl Pavano unsigned. With a federal bailout package, argued Hank Steinbrenner ( family representative at the hearings ), we could buy CC Sabathia, AJ Burnett, Derrick Lowe and Carl Pavano, securing at least 11 more wins.

3. What happens if the Yankees don't get a bailout?

The Yankees run the risk of running out of storefronts in the new stadium. The reality is that the Yankees might have to cancel its lease with Morton's Steak House or, god forbid, the Neiman Marcus outlet, located just down the third base line.

4. What happens if the Yankees don't get back to the World Series in 2009?

Brian Cashman might have to find a job in the US automobile industry.

5. What are the advantages of the Yankees winning the World Series in 2009?

The advantages are legion; emotional health for 65% of America ( fan estimate from Roper Poll, Inc ); consistent rent payments to the City of New York for the bathroom franchise; a spike in beer, hot dog and garment sales; a return to health in the NYC real estate co-op market. Lastly, but not to be ignored, fury and humiliation in Boston ( 1% of baseball's fan base ).

6. What are the economic impacts if the Yankees don't re-structure and win the 2009 World Series?
Treasury Secretary Paulson said today , " that if the Yankees can't re-build the way they need to this off-season, the impact on the US economy would be catastrophic in 2009 and beyond. One out of every jobs in the US is related to Yankee success."

The Center for New York Yankee Success, a Washington think tank that supports the bailout, estimates that between 1.4 million and 1.7 million jobs indirectly tied to the Yankee's success would be lost in the first year following a Yankee collapse in 2009.


She-Fan said...

I'm glad you mentioned health care. I get headaches when the Yankees lose. Rashes too.

Anonymous said...

Can we get Joe Lieberman to coach third?

She-Fan said...

I see Joe as part of the grounds crew doing the "YMCA" routine.