The Case Against Derek Lowe

When you read he's an option, don't you cringe?

WHY NOT TO SIGN DEREK LOWE:

1. It won't piss off the Redsocks. (In fact, they'll smirk, knowing they got his good years.)

2. He'll be 36. Thirty-fucking-six.

3. Sad to say, but our infield hasn't the range to justify two sinkerballers.

4. He passes in the NL West. He'll get clobbered in the AL East.

5. He's thrown 800 innings over the last four years. Tick, tick, tick...

6. He's coming off his best year in a while. We'd be buying high.

7. The sonovabich dumped his wife, the mother of his two kids, for the "Dodger Dugout" TV anchor/pinup bimbo.

8. He wore his Boston jersey at Fenway even while a Dodger.

9. Do we want to become the pension plan for old Redsocks?

10. "D-Lowe." Horrible abbreviation.

11. He got hammered in the recent playoffs, by the Cubs.

12. He'll want $10 million. For that, we can buy three Latino 16-year-olds next July.

13. Don't we already have a Derek?