Questions that haunt us: Will Sergio Mitre face a Yankee "Death Panel?" And has Kate Hudson taught Arod to perform on the big stage?

Today's Daily Planet reports from the other Yankiverse -- our Yankiverse -- where winning streaks coincide with broken Pope wrists, and John's longest WinWarble is a primal cry for world peace (and not just a clever attempt to buy time while his soulmate scrambles to the field to secure the Yankee Star of the Game) -- claiming that recent Arod A-bombings stem from public tongue-hockey with his latest accessory, Kate "Almost Famous" Hudson, dropping in from 1989 like a Sarasota County mugshot of Pee Wee Herman. Hmmm. It's all linked somewhere. I think Arod's resurgence is more likely a result of Lou Dobb's peak interest in the Birther Movement. A scientific debate is coming. This is why we have a free press.

But let's assume the News is on to something.

Maybe the "Almost Famous" lady reprised her most famous role, in "Almost Famous," where she's 15 years younger, almost legal, and dreaming of someday being a stewardess, reciting safety instructions to tourists, telling them to don their own drop-down oxygen mask before helping grannies or children. Because that's the new Alex: He's applying his own drop-down oxygen mask before trying to help Robbie or Melky -- (even though there's no plane turbulence, it's all in his head, and everybody else is watching the in-flight movie) -- and thus, he doesn't pass out while walking back to the dugout, listening to shouted remarks about Madonna.

Madonna. Almost forgot her. Let's face it. She was trouble. For starters, she furnished an infinite number of hurtful things to shout at Alex. I won't even try to list them here. Kate, on the other hand, has "Almost Famous." Madonna might have been reprising with Arod her role in "Swept Away," which I would describe, but why bother? Nobody alive who can read movie reviews watched it. All we know: she was stuck on an island. That sums up Arod.

Which brings us to Sergio. Sarah Palin says that future Obama administration Death Panels will be judging the worthiness of human life -- (though, let's be honest here, if the fast-food industry has a representative onboard, her son will have at least one vote on his side). But she doesn't know the Yankiverse. We've been clamoring for Mitre to be hung by his thumbs in the Great Hall since Chicago. Last night, he killed our winning streak. Eye for an eye!

Wait: Does he need a 1980s movie star to pull him from the abyss? Whatever happened to Molly Ringwald!