Bernie to retire Friday; what's keeping Beltran?

The battle for ink in NYC is so bleak that the Yankees are now staging rank publicity stunts to capture attention. What's next? Hal Steinbrenner wearing dresses? Suzyn dating Kanye? Those back page headlines don't write themselves.

Friday, Bernie Williams will step to the podium and announce his retirement. Not from music. From baseball. It's a joke, get it? Bernie has never officially announced his retirement. So Friday, he will. Cue the laugh track, everybody. The Yankees are chasing a headline.

Right now, the Yankees are a .500 team in a sports universe where .500 is the absolute worst place to be. To go anywhere, a franchise needs to be really good... or really bad. To be middle of the pack means finishing three games out of the away-game Wild Card niche, and then losing next summer's first-round draft pick because you signed Carlos Beltran. It doesn't get any worse than to be .500. Ask the Redsocks. 

Bernie will retire Friday. 

If only it could be Hal.