The Affront Page

Quick, everybody, stop the page loads! We got breaking fake news! @Pigwad has a killer story. We're redoing the masthead, 72-point scale with police flasher.

Aww, Chief, I spent all morning concocting my piece on Biden’s ringworm. You can’t just spike it.

Sorry, kid, but Biden is yesterday’s meatloaf. We got blockbuster on a Satanic kiddie sex-slave ring run by Hillary Clinton out of a D.C. pizza parlor. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime fabrication.

How did he come up with it? Whistle-blower? Inside tip?

Imaginary six-month undercover investigation. He conjured up secret tunnels, code words, symbols, everything.

He worked on it for six months?

Nah, he pitched the idea last night. We cut him loose to work full time. It’s the expose that every fake reporter dreams about.

What about my Biden story?

Forget it. Listen up, people, we’re going with full team coverage on Pizza-gate. @LickSpittle202, you write fake reactions. @$hlumbag, you interview a victim. Kid, I want you to connect the dots - Benghazi! Lap dances! Talking lizards! Let’s go, people! Time is clicks. These untruths don’t write themselves.

Chief, I just read the entire story, all five paragraphs. It’s so tight, so well crafted - are you sure it’s not true? I mean, this could win awards.

Wait… that’s a great idea! In your think piece, have @Pigwad winning a Pulitzer Prize. And while you’re at it, give yourself one. 

Wow, thanks. My old journalism professor will be proud. But if @Pigwad wins a Pulitzer, won’t he want more money?

Nah, he’s 12. He’s working for a PlayStation. All right, folks, rattle those keyboards! I want every falsehood nailed down. This needs to look true. Misspell a name, and they’ll rip us apart in the comments.

You know, kid, every fake journalist dreams of one incredible hoax – a lie so ridiculous, so stupid, and yet people believe it. Fake news is the cornerstone of a fake democracy. Let’s go, everybody! Our readers are counting on us. Let’s give them what they want to hear.