Thursday, December 22, 2016

The White Sox wanted the moon for Quintana

All right, listenup, assholes, once and for all: If any one of you ever demands from me Clint Frazier, Luis Severino and Jorge Mateo for Jose Quintana, the last thing you'll remember is the crunch of my battering ram fists exploding upon your eggshell-thin skulls. I don't take that crap from nobody, you hear? Nobody. Anybody sasses me like that, they'll waddle home with an ice compress hat and their testicles in a box of chocolates. (I don't get that one, either, but don't stop me, I'm mad, goddammot.)

Supposedly, that's what the Chicago White Sox wanted from us this week, and I sincerely hope that Brian Cashman promptly took off his belt and wielded its sharpened buckle like a cat' o' nine tails. Obviously, the White Sox GM has spent too much time listening to Hawk Harrelson broadcasts. He must think Quintana is Clayton Kershaw. I'm reminded of what biographer Frances Wilson wrote of Thomas DeQuincy, in that this nasty fellow resembles "a ghost crab inhabiting another's shell." (Top THAT, River Ave!) For any insult that personal, it's not enough to just say no. Cash should have counter-offered with Nick Goody, Tito Polo and the ghost of Bubba Trammell.

Seriously, where do the White Sox get off, demanding so much for a No. 2 starter? I don't care how cheap Quintana will be over the next three years, that's a deal that would wreck whatever rebuilding project the Yankees plan... before the kids even play a game for us. With Quintana, we might chase the 2017 Wild Card one extra week into September... just as Frazier, Severino and Mateo could be coming of age.

Listen: I get it that the Yankees must be willing to trade prospects. They're not Pokemon cards. You don't "gotta get 'em all." But the roots of our last five wretched years have been the owner's half-assed vows to "contend" every season, while rebuilding on the fly. It didn't work. The Yankees are on the verge of reliving the horrible 1980s - the 14-year barf - unless Hal Steinbrenner makes a plan and actually sticks to it. Last July, we traded our three most productive players for a hopeful future. Now, we would trade it away for Jose Quintana? Fuck me.

I get it that Frazier, Serverino and Mateo could all turn out to be punch lines, future shorthand definitions of failed potential. But our hopes hinge on a few key prospects evolving into stars. They must either sink or swim. Why in God's name would we trade them for a No. 2 pitcher, and never even see what they can do?

Any of you ever make me an offer like that, you better be thinking about what's inside that box of chocolates you'll be carrying home. And to you, Chicago, merry fucking Christmas.

6 comments:

Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...

Hey -- I read somewhere that Yankees re-signed Cito Culver. Things are looking Up!

John M said...

Cito Culver, at the age of 24, may have finally discovered what a bat is for. He had been confused by taking tips from Stephen Drew and using it as a fan on hot summer days.

The best thing about this Chisox trade is...it didn't happen. Even Cashman and the Yankees brass wouldn't give up the farm for one pitcher. I mean, they're stupid, but they're not THAT stupid.

Well, OK, maybe they're that stupid, but they weren't that stupid this time. So Happy Hannukah and Merry Christmas, and start baking your Kwanzaa cakes now so you can enjoy yourself next week.

Anonymous said...

We could have traded Steinbrenner's fat ass if they wanted the moon for Quintana!!

Alphonso said...

Don't ever underestimate Cashman's stupidity.

It will be a merry Xmas if the Yankees make no more deals....except, of course for cash only.

But, lest you contemplate a good night's sleep, remember: never underestimate Cashman's potential to wreck everything in the name of progress.

He is live that evil ghost crab Duque referenced.

Anonymous said...

THE OTHER GM'S TRY TO RAPE US BECAUSE THEY SEE WE DO STUPID THINGS LIKE PICK UP RUBEN TEJADA WHEN WE ALREADY HAVE 20-25 SHORTSTOP/SECOND BASE PROSPECTS IN OUR SYSTEM......THEY ALSO NOTICE HOW WE LET GUYS LIKE STEPHEN DREW AND AARON HICKS PLAY ALMOST AN ENTIRE SEASON WITH BATTING AVERAGES BELOW .210..........YOU THINK WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO NOTICE DUMB SHIT LIKE THAT?
ALPHONSO IS RIGHT AGAIN.....DON'T EVER UNDERESTIMATE CASHMAN'S "KNOWLEDGE" .

John M said...

Other people see how stupid our management is? I'm shocked. Shocked.