Live Yankee Chat: Wednesday 5 p.m.

Live Yankee Chat: Wednesday 5 p.m.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

"The Golden State Warriors of Baseball"

We all know what transpired yesterday: The major networks projected Boston to win the 2017 World Series. They're never wrong. It's over. Stop reading. Give up, Kirrrrrk... All we can do is bow to Zod and request a recount, beginning next spring.

Before yesterday, we planned to stomp on their Achilles heel - the starting rotation. David Price's heat would lose another 5 mph, Rick Porcello would meet Gigi Hadid, the others would morph into Matt Clement and Dice-K. Meanwhile, Luis Cessa would become Luis Tiant and Chad Green... um... Mean Chad Green. Well, aint a-gonna happen. The networks have spoken. They're never wrong.

Chris Sale will win the 2017 Nobel Prize for Literature (it doesn't always go to novelists, anymore), and Boston will clinch the AL East on June 30. (Mike Tyson's birthday.) It was Brian Cashman himself - who has an incredible ability to sound like a mere bystander, rather than as 15-year architect of the Yankee malaise - who yesterday called Boston "the Golden State Warriors of baseball."

And yet, I'm alive, ALIVE! I survived jumping off the bridge. (In Syracuse, you land in snow.) Here's why...

1. The Golden State Warriors did not win the NBA championship. Wait, was the Cashmeister being ironic?

2. Right now, the Jays, Rays and O's have suffered paper losses. With luck, the 2016 Yanks could leapfrog Toronto and Showaltertown, and chase a wild card. Houston looks like The Man in the west, and Cleveland rules the Sloppy Central. The rest are tomato cans, we're Campbell's. It's a wild card year! Get out the can-opener! Woo-woo!

3. The Redsocks just traded away the top prospect in all of baseball. In this day and age, I don't know how a team does such a thing. It could haunt them for decades. The name Moncada will no longer torture me. In fact, it could come to instantaneously rupture the gloat glands of Redsock fans. Every time they hear it, their brains will fart, and they will run wailing into the nearest open sewer. Wouldn't that be sweet?

4. Boston also traded Travis Shaw, so they are back to the Panda at 3B. He's been a complete bust, thus far. Sometimes, the juju gods simply do not want a certain guy to play in a certain city. Remember Carl Pavano? Good everywhere... but one place.

5. I'm done with wailing like a Mafia widow over our refusal to pony up for Moncada. But let's use this occasion to once again spew some righteous, acid bile toward Shallow Hal Steinbrenner. The grim-faced boy owner will bank a shit-ton of money over the duration of the next Collective Bargaining Agreement. The stockholders should build him a plaque. But unless he wins a championship, he is going to be reviled like a serial killer. If Boston wins the 2017 WS, they will open a three ring lead over us in this millennium. If they win in 2017, they will have four WS since 2001. That's the only metric by which Hal will ever be measured, and believe me, across the Yankiverse, it won't be fun to be him.

6. Let's again note how top prospects have become a standard MLB currency. Boston spent $60 million on Moncada and then traded him for two three years (corrected via comments) worth of Sale, which might bring a WS ring. That's a damn good haul. The Yankees have spent the last three seasons pointing to free agents they didn't sign and assuring everybody that we are oh-so smart for sitting tightly on our buttholes. Think about it: If we had signed Moncada... OAGAAAHHHHH, okay, that's the last time I ever do that.

7. I can't see how we could have obtained Chris Sale without crashing our computers. News accounts say the Nats offered two major prospects,and the White Sox didn't blink. My guess is we would have had to trade Gleyber Torres, Clint Frazier, Aaron Judge and more. We'd have Sale for two rotten years, with nobody to back him or score runs. We'd be the 2016 White Sox. Why bother?

8. This is blaspheme, but considering the market for ace pitchers right now, the Yankees should actually take offers for Masahiro Tanaka. He's got the trick elbow, plus an an opt-out clause next winter - when Hal will surely develop alligator arms. Of course, we can trade him at the July 31 deadline, if we're out of it. Yes, he's a great Yankee. Yes, I wish he would play his entire career with us. But due diligence requires thinking ugly thoughts.

9. The bright side: We can devote ourselves to full hate and negativity. We can become obsessed with meanness and malevolence toward Boston. We can be like those fake news sites that tied Hillary Clinton to Satanic cults. Wow, I feel better already! Sale has thrown 1,200 MLB innings. Elbows aint forever, mwahahaha. If he tweaks a gonad or turns into Price, mwahahahahaha. And we can root-root-root for Moncada. If becomes a star, Redsock fans will crawl out of their skins. It's been a while since Boston traded Jeff Bagwell. I'm rooting for Yoan... and Satan!

10. Everything now hinges on Aroldis Chapman. I really don't want to lose a first-round pick because we had to sign Kenley Jansen. What's the point of that? With Chapman - and some dumb luck - 2016 could be interesting. Without him, fukkit, the networks have already declared their winner.

12 comments:

John M said...

I hate to quibble, but it looks like the Beaners got Sale for three years, not two:

"Boston inherits a very team-friendly deal that will pay Sale $12 million in 2017, with club options of $12.5 million for 2018 and $13.5 million for 2019."

That said, it's still a dicey deal. Lot of innings the past seven years. For Chicago, what if Anaconda's 4-for-19 with 12 strikeouts in the bigs last year is less a Willie Mays start and more a "what you see is what you get" glimpse into his future? Of course, you can say the same about Aaron Judge and the late-season Sanchez Swoon (soon to be the latest dance craze). It's all a crap shoot. Unless you believe Joe's binders.

CJ said...

I hate to quibble,too, but I think you meant 2017 would be interesting.

Look, they paid$63,000,000 for The Monc Man plus 39, 000,000 insalary for 3 years.
That means they will,in essence, be paying almost 34 million per for Sale.
Plus they are losing 2 potential super-stars. Hey, I love Sale....but
that is way too high a price for a guy that has thrown that many innings.

By the way, David Price is looking a lot like CC these days.

Anonymous said...

LOOKS LIKE ANOTHER SEASON OF ROOTING FOR OTHER TEAMS PITCHERS TO GET HURT (RED SOX, METS, AND ANYONE ELSE)......... THAT'S ALL WE SEEM TO HAVE THESE DAYS....... I MAY PULL A TRAVIS BICKLE. -(TAXI DRIVER).

Anonymous said...

UPDATE GUYS! ........ SOMEBODY OFFERED CHAPMAN $92 MILLION (AND IT WASN'T US, OF COURSE, WHICH MEANS WE WON'T GET HIM)............ BUT THE BIG NEWS IS............... WE ARE VERY, VERY, VERY INTERESTED IN RUBEN TEJADA!!! ......... IS THIS OFF SEASON A JOKE?????

KD said...

Tejada must be our Stephen Drew replacement...

Anonymous said...

Yow, guys, Big Poop-Face is making noises about changing his mind, now that the Bums will be Sale-ing along!! He may get to retire twice - - like Clemens!! (& Andy??). Wow-eeee! Maybe he could announce on Jeet's Jersey-retiring day!! Wah-oooo!! Then we can root for HIM to tweak a gonad again, too.
And Tejada, YEAH, Cash - - go get him, boy - - gooood boy (that's Prince Hamlet, I'm quoting)....
Tejada hit BEEEG-time in MiLB - - and waaaaaay south of the Mendoza Line in the Bigs (.156, wuzzit??)
We're on our way to another fine year of mediocrity, and I'm thrilled - - I'm over 70 now, and I don't know how many more of these years I will be blessed with, to root for a LOOOOO-ser....Guess I'll have to pony up for a Twitter account, and amuse myself by twitting You-No-Hu. LB

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I wuz waaaay off: Tejada hit .167 in the Biggies!! My apologies, Rube. LB

Alphonso said...

Can we get real, please?

The Yankees are like the Knicks. Dis-organized, lame and dumb.

Anonymous said...

WTF WOULD WE EVER NEED RUBEN TEJADA FOR???? ......WE HAVE 25 SHORTSTOP PROSPECTS NOW!.....(NOT TO MENTION RONALD TORREYES WHO IS MUCH BETTER THAN TEJADA)....I WANNA KNOW, WHO WANTS RUBEN TEJADA!?.....WHO IN OUR HIERARCHY IS WASTING VALUABLE TIME, EVEN THINKING ABOUT RUBEN TEJADA?.....CASHMAN?.....IT HAS TO BE, RIGHT? .....I CAN'T STAND HIS MISGUIDED SHIT ANYMORE!!! WE ARE OPERATING LIKE PEANUT GALLERY!!! ....

Anonymous said...

Not that I am enamored of the word, all-caps, but, DITTO!! It appears the Rubes are chasing Rube. UGH. LB

Anonymous said...

GLAD I HAVE YOU ON MY SIDE anonymous...... THIS IS THE MOST ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED I HAVE BEEN IN YEARS......(AND I AM ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED OVER THE YANKS ALL THE TIME)!...... I KNOW THEY KEEP PREACHING "PATIENCE" TO US, BUT WE ARE NOT THAT FAR OFF FROM SERIOUS CONTENTION...... WE HAVE BIG MONEY COMING OFF THE BOOKS NEXT YEAR, AND ALREADY HAD SOME SALARY RELIEF THIS COMING SEASON, TRADING MCCANN....I WANT US TO ACT NOW, BECAUSE WE SHOULD BE ABLE TOO!!!! ........WE ARE WATCHING THE RED SOX MAKING STRATEGIC MOVES LIKE GENERAL PATTON, WHILE WE SIT AROUND, AND PLAN MOTHERS' DAY TRIBUTES, AND KICK THE TIRES ON RUBEN TEJADA.....I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!....THE NEW YORK YANKEES CAN NOT BE RUN ON THE CHEAP!....IT NEVER WORKS!...... HAL MAY BE RIGHT WHEN HE SAYS "YOU DON'T NEED TO HAVE A $200 MILLION DOLLAR PAYROLL TO WIN THE WORLD SERIES."....BUT THE RISK YOU RUN TRYING TO KEEP A "TIGHT" BUDGET IS NOT MAKING THE PLAYOFFS!....AND GUESS WHAT?...WE HAVEN'T BEEN MAKING THE PLAYOFFS!

Anonymous said...

True enough; not only that, Cash-Puss's insistence that it doesn't make sense to go out and get a quality bat (OR starter) and pay for them because we're not "one player away from contention" is as phony as a $3 bill - - There are plenty of other reasons to spend that money: i.e., putting MORE fannies in the seats - - not less every year - - and keeping the Yes-Men from losing even more audience-share, just to name a couple - - Prince Hamlet would be wise to open his wallet NOW if he doesn't want to damage the brand beyond repair. I'm not asking them to trade our best prospects - - instead, I'm asking El Cheapo to go out and pay for El Chapo, as it were....and perhaps a pair of 'E's would be kinda' cool, as well - - or at LEAST a Valbuena-type.
LB