Thursday, November 9, 2017

Did the Yankees really fire Girardi without a replacement in mind?

Suddenly, we're watching a reality TV show - Bachelor: Cashman Court - where beefcake suitors from the MLB old boy network vie for the affections of Brian "Cooperstown" Cashman and the title of "Mr. Yankiverse." Categories include poise, talent and swimsuit. If news accounts are to be believed - (frankly, I don't know why we'd believe anything the Empire tells us, but that's another matter) - our diligent GM is already perusing candidates like a shopper studying the live lobsters at Wegmans. 

Last night, shortly after A-Rod told a breathless world he'd rather "own" a team than manage one, the comedy duo of David Cone and John Flaherty "tossed their hats into the ring," so to speak, at a presumably well-oiled charity event. (Apparently, Stiller & Meara are retired.) What is it with announcers? They have the creamiest job in humanity - three in the YES booth, with nothing to do but yippity-yap about Pauly O'Neill's donut intake - yet they think they can solve the mystery of Dellin Betances? Crazy.

But let's return to the Central Thesis: Two weeks ago, when Cashman clipped Girardi like a sore toenail, expectations were that a replacement would be unveiled within hours, or shortly after the World Series ended. Yet here we are, nine days into a snowy November, apparently on the verse of a conga line of job interviews, like mobsters being hauled before a grand jury. Yesterday, bench coach Rob Thomson went before the secret tribunal. Good grief, is Cashman really expecting some genetically evolved Stump Merrill to "WOW" him in a one-on-one? Are they taking stool samples? Is this what Trump calls "extreme vetting?" WTF is going on? Some possibilities:

1. We had a first pick, and he said no. That could be Tim Naehring, a respected scout-turned-administrator within the franchise machine. Early on, when his name was mentioned, he said he wasn't interested. At first, I figured this was just somebody who was never going to get the job anyway saying he wasn't interested - sort of like A-Rod yesterday. Now, who knows? Or maybe it's someone on another team. Did someone scorn our advances? 

2. Cashman simply enjoys the process. Maybe it's just him having consolidated power like that Saudi oil prince, and he's now taking a victory Calgon Beauty Bath, while the "baseball men" sponge his backside and declare fealty, like Tyrion Lannister to the Mother of Dragons. Fuck if I know. I've never thought of Cashman in such terms, but after decades of getting coffee for the Stick Michaels and Bob Watsons - the ones who played - maybe he's loving the chance to see grown men grovel and peel grapes. I'd hate to think this, but his job could turn anybody crazy. Has he gone up the Hudson on us?

3. I'm completely wrong. Yes, this is hard to imagine, but I did once champion the cause of Mr. Slade Heathcott. (Listen, dammit: He's a free agent, only 27; if we trade Gardy and Ells, the Cotster could be our CF!) Maybe on Oct. 25 the Yankees understood just one thing: That warhorse Joe had become a pitcher of well-spent bong-water - not worth sipping - and that after 10 years - 10 lifetimes - he simply needed a farm on a hill with happy chickens. Hence - kaboom! - Cashman made the call before Joe's bedroom eyes talked him out of it. Once they decided Joe wasn't working, that a younger team needed a younger manager, that was that. But... if so, why the pageantry of bringing in Thomson - age 54, a year older than Joe?  

Jeez, I dunno. But something seems off. Are we really going to receive daily updates on who went before Cashman Court? And now, Coney and Flash? Are the Yankees taking slush-pile submissions? Where should I send my resume? I need to lose 20 pounds before putting on a two-piece. 

7 comments:

KD said...

screw all this conjecture, duque. I have the answer.

in this age of advanced statistical analysis, a human, any human, is simply not up to the task. I say we hire that IBM Watson character. I mean, he (it) beats Jeopardy champs, assists physicians with diagnoses and indications, and can calculate the square root of bupkis. Baseball would be a snap. All that and it would make our little clueless douche bag stat boy delirious with joy.

Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

Now that even David Cone made his case for the job, I think it is time to throw in my own wildcard.
I hereby declare to be open to talks with Mr. Cashman concerning the opening for manager of the New York Yankees.

There you have it, it is out in the open.

Obviously there our some minor points to deal with, like salary, relocation and travel expenses, but I am sure my agent will be happy to negotiate those terms.

It has not been a frivolous visit to the Netherlands when Alphonso decided to come to Holland and to go Dutch.

First of all, I speak multiple languages INCLUDING Dutch, which gives the all important inside angle with the DidiMaster. Furthermore,as we all know, the Dutch "Team of the Kingdom of the Netherlands" is a powerhouse - so that reflects positively on me.
I bring new and foreign tactics to the Bronx. Stuff like small ball, squeeze play and bunting - things that have more or less disappeared from the game we love.

Secondly and maybe firstly, I have no respect whatsoever for athletes. I consider them overpaid, narrow minded and unsophisticated (by and large) and they have poor to no table manners. And that will change!
Aided by international renowned etiquette diva Elisabeth Brewer I will make the New York Yankees the team to beat when it comes to wine tasting. The will know their cutlery and they will need no more bibs.

Thirtly and maybe firstly, I will bring the Bud Selig Trophy back to New York. And we will do it riding bicycles.

After my stint I will take over from David Cone as announcer. I will do this in Dutch so I will make as much impact as he.

From here on in it is up to my agent. You know.

KD said...

If you can teach athletes that one should hold the fork in the left hand, you are the man of the job. all that switching back and forth drives me nuts!

John M said...

I second Urban Farmer's nomination. Do any Yankees know what a fish knife is? Or a sorbet spoon? Ha. I sincerely doubt it.

It's time we restored the table manners and 19th century table settings that make a team a great team. And I insist they all have to learn Dutch, which will confuse opponents to no end.

This would be fantastic. I'm in.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


I am also in because I want to see Tanaka learn Dutch.

Anonymous said...

IT'S AMAZING HOW OUR YANKEE MINDS THINK ALIKE.

YESTERDAY, PERTURBED, I WAS WONDERING WTF IS GOING ON WITH US?

WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS WHERE A TEAM HAS VIRTUALLY ANYBODY AND EVERYBODY DEEMED A "CANDIDATE" FOR THE JOB.

FLAHERTY?....CONE?....IBANEZ?.....HAIRSTON JR.?

I STILL REMEMBER CONEY WAVING HIS DICK AROUND BEHIND THE SCOREBOARD AT SHITTY SHEA STADIUM, AND HE WANTS TO MANAGE US?

DOESN'T COOPERSTOWN UNDERSTAND, HE MAY BE PUTTING US AT A DISADVANTAGE FOR 2018 BY WASTING TOO MUCH TIME ON THIS?

MOST OTHER TEAMS ARE ALREADY MOVING FORWARD WITH THEIR PLANS ON 2018.

CASHMAN OFFICIALLY HAS A NAPOLEON COMPLEX.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Yes, yes, yes!

Urban Farmer! Urban Farmer! Urban Farmer!

"Holland claimed us, Holland named us
Time they came back!"