Who's on first? Nobody... that is, when the Yankees hit home runs.

In two meaningless split-squad games yesterday, the Evil Empire tallied seven home runs - seven! Gardy and Judge each hit two, with Sanchez, Voit and Isiah Gilliam - a RF destined for Trenton - contributing one apiece. Seven! Hooray for us.  Seven!

So... altogether now... how many overall runs did those homers produce? Anybody? Class? Come on, take a guess. Anybody? Somebody?

No, not seven. (You all guessed seven, because you thought this was a trick question, and that I would be reveling in such an inconsequential show of power, right? I know you people.) 

Eight. Judge's second homer came with a runner on base. Seven homers, eight runs. 

By the way, the Yankees split the two games, winning the one where they whacked six homers, losing the game where they hit just one. If you live by the HR, you die by the lack of it. That was the secret slogan of the 2018 Yankees, and little seems to have changed. Only DJ "General Curtis" LeMahiue - our big-spending superstar free agent acquisition - skews us less toward a batting lineup of the three fundamental outcomes: HR, BB, or K. (And mostly Ks, by the way.) 

Look, it's Monday and the plows are rumbling, and we all need a lift, so let's be bubbly for a change. Let's postulate the best-case scenario for the Yankee lineup, homer-wise. Here it is, with HR projections, and tell me if I'm ridiculously optimistic. 

Hicks 30
Judge 40
Stanton 40
Andujar 30
Sanchez 30
Bird/Voit 25
Torres 20
Tulowitski/Gregorius 25
Gardy/Frazier 25
LeMahiue 1
Others 10
That's 276 - nine more than last year, when the Yankees broke the all-time single-season team record (and finished with a wild card.) Of course, this holds leaps of faith: Hicks, Stanton, Bird, Tulo, Sanchez and Frazier are injury-magnets, meaning after one lousy weekend, we could be watching Matt Lipka patrolling RF. But truth be told, this team should sleepwalk its way to 200 home runs, which probably guarantees 85 wins. We definitely will contend for - you guessed it - the wild card.

The fear, of course, is that from those projected 276 blasts, the Yankees will achieve what they did yesterday: 277 runs. And checking the lineup, we see only one hitter maybe batting .300 - Andujar. Moreover, we've seen a withering de-evolution in batting averages from Hicks, Sanchez, Gregorius and Torres, as they morph into HR-happy, all-or-nothing Dave Kingmans. Each could be a great player, if they don't get drunk on swinging for the fences. 

And with a team this power-laden, that can be easy to do. It could be Aaron Boone's biggest challenge: Coax a few singles from his hitters. (Of particular concern is Aaron Hicks. If his decline in batting average continues, he'll hit about .220 this year. So much for being the second best CF in baseball, eh?) 

The 2019 Yankees will hit a pile of HRs. But to finagle an old punch line, Who's on first? The answer might - wayyyyy too often be... Nobody.