Joel Sherman Applies the Mayan Calendar Doomsday Theory to Derek Jeter

Warns the Murdoch Mucker, the horrifying end of time is coming in 2010, when Derek Jeter's contract expires, and we shall all perish:

Yankee officials already talk privately about dreading D(erek)-Day.

Dear God, what hath Thou wrought! We are fucked. Royally fucked. Kansas City Royally fucked. The economy, collapsed! Polar ice, melting! Dogs and cats, living together! We won't even make it to Dec. 21, 2012, the end of the Mayan Calendar. And if we do, we'll be sitting in our own pee, watching Derek Jeter, captain of the Yankees, playing for the Arizona Diamondbacks.

What will we do? WHAT WILL WE DO? Build backyard fortresses from cinder blocks? Arm ourselves? Walk the post-apocalyptical road, like Cormac McCarthy's father-son team, dodging cannibals and eating canned peaches. We'll be like that poem by Charles Bukowski, where the sky opens up, the end comes and so he rips the clothes off the nearest woman and "shoves it in."

Get to the cellars, everybody. Get the guns. Board the windows. Learn from the zombie movies. Sharp spikes always come in handy. Can you make bombs from plastic grocery bags? We are in trouble. Tick-tick-tick! Only 21 months left until D-Day!