Yankeetorial: Why Be Such Cheap Scumbags With Andruw Jones?

Tampa listened to our call.

More importantly, the horse-petting Yankeestocracy discarded the hurtful wordchunks from you naysayers who frothed into your cardigans how Andruw Jones was not worth a toss of the dice, that his mere presence in the city of Busch Gardens would unhinge the whistle-while-you-work atmosphere that is synonymous with Joe Girardi's spring training.

Well, goddamot! let's be thankful the Yankee Forbin Project brain trusters faithfully read this blog and follow our instructions to the limits of federal tax law.

This message goes to them. (The rest of you, look away.)

Kee-ristawmighty, this is no time to be cheap bastards, ordering separate-check fruit plates at Dennys! You called Andruw Jones up, then offered him a minor league contact and a pack of cigaretttes? WTF? When did we start saving bottles and cans for nickel deposits? We can steal this guy for a song! The Dodgers are paying him $20 million! We're afraid to lose Dan Geise?

Give the bum a lowball contract, and see what happens! We have a hole in centerfield bigger than the Holland Tunnel! He could be the biggest steal of 2009!

(OK, the rest of you can read now.)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, this will inspire comments from Andruw-detractors. Hell, I'm one. For the record: The man is not welcome in my house. (That's a rule my family has about .192 hitters.) But Jones hit 51 home runs in 2005, and he's just 31, and he owns more Golden Gloves than Paris Hilton has bite marks on her left nipple, and we can get him cheap.

If he flounders, give him Bernie Madoff's phone number and a bus ticket to Arizona. No blood, no foul.

Come on, Tampa. Nobody likes a rich cheapskate. Get "R" done.