Yankifesto: How Do We Win in 2009? Blackmail 103 Players

To the Yaniverse:

Now that U.S. justice system and news media have made Alex Rodriguez the official pin-cushion of Major League Baseball -- and named the Yankees as designated scapegoat for all drug abuse in pro sports -- let's assess our position.

This season, we will be booed everwhere we go, even at home. In Boston, we will be pelted with sharp objects. So be it.

But let's not waste time wondering why the players union didn't destroy drug test results from 2001-2003 when it could have, or what forces conspired to blow the whistle on Arod during that perfect news void week between the Super Bowl and spring training -- getting maximum coverage, even at the White House.

Forget that stuff.

Let's work with what we have: 103 players who are watching Arod dangle from a rope, feeling antsy.

Let's announce plans to sue MLB and the players union for the release of confidential data. As Donald Trump used to say, "Let's sue them for a while."

Then let's leak our plans -- Sports Illustrated or ESPN will happily carry water here -- to subpoena many witnesses.

Then let's send unofficial representatives -- Louie the Lip and Eddie the Legs -- to tell players that we are considering including their names on our list.

Some players to contact: J. Varitek, D. Ortiz, M. Ramirez... get the picture?

Our couriers will stress that we intend to name them in court, though we might refrain... with a little cooperation on their part.

One hundred and three players are wondering what we'll do.

Start spreading the news...