MLB's $18 million-per-year cadaver speaks

It must take $18 million worth of power to electrify this corpse into speaking.

The food, after passing his lips, falls into a secret shredder imbedded into the chest well.

Anyway, Commissioner Hairpiece spoke out today on all the pertinent details of the game.

He says everything is fine. Everything.

He even says the Washington Nationals are fine: "I have confidence they're on the right track."

Now... that gives confidence!