FIFTY THOUSAND MOONS

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

O,,grand and glorious Juju Gods, why did you hath forsaken the Yankees last night? And how would you like a GLOBAL JUJU INTERVENTION TONIGHT!

CALLING THE YANKIVERSE...
SUMMONING THE SECRET WORLD YANKEE JUJU-LUMINATI NETWORK... 
CRYING OUT TO ALL UNDERGROUND YANKEE LONE JIHADIST BOOK AND SUPPER CLUBS... 


"ONAVAP... LRAC... 
AWAGI... IEK... DAMMIT"

THE MOMENT IS NIGH, OR NYE, OR NEH, WHATEVER... DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR BOLDFACE FONTS AND UPPER CASE BLOCK LETTERS... AND WE ARE HEREBY CALLING FOR...

A GLOBAL JUJU INTERVENTION, 
TONIGHT, 
IN THE TOP OF THE 2nd, 
AGAINST TORONTO.


Friends, Yorkers, Yankee fans... Tonight we must channel and focus our combined Rizzutonic Alpha Juju Ejaculate Emmissions (Pronounced "REG-GIEs") on the looming threat to America's Eastern Division. We must turn our Juju Death Ray upon the Blue Jays of Toronto, Ontario.

IN THE TOP OF THE AFOREMENTIONED INNING - (That's the 2nd; we'll probably be down by four) - ALL YANKEE FANS, FAMILIES OF FANS AND PAID YANKEE OPERATIVES - (You know who you are) - ARE HEREBY INSTRUCTED TO DO THE FOLLOWING:

1. STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOUR TELEVISION, RADIO, COMPUTER OR ELECTRONIC YANKEE INTAKE INSTRUMENT, (or EY-I-I.)

2. WHILE FACING SAID DEVICE, PERFORM A TIGHT 360- DEGREE SPIN, CLOCKWISE. (Think of a clock.) DO NOT SPIN TOO QUICKLY, AS IT COULD CAUSE YOU TO LOSE BALANCE.  IN CASE OF IMPAIRMENT, HOLD ONTO SOMETHING.

3. WHEN YOU HAVE COMPLETED ONE COMPLETE ROTATION, RECITE THE FOLLOWING WORDS -

"ONAVAP... LRAC...
AWAGI... IEK... DAMMIT!" 

(That's Kei Igawa, Carl Pavano, spelled backwards. Plus "Dammit.") 


DO NOT SAY THESE WORDS SO LOUDLY THAT YOU WOULD BE THROWN OUT OF A CHURCH, SYNAGOGUE, BAR OR RALLY FOR DONALD TRUMP. FEEL FREE TO WHISPER THEM. THERE IS NO REASON TO GET DETAINED OR TASED.

4. AFTER SAYING THE WORDS, CONCENTRATE ON THE EY-I-I AND PROJECT ALL RIZZUTONIC DEATH RAYS ("REGGIEs," see above)  INTO SAID DEVICE. 

FOCUS ON ON THE SHOULDER OF THE BLUE JAYS PITCHER. IMAGINE A LONG STRAND OF SPAGHETTI DANGLING ON A FORK, WITH SAUCE DRIPPING TO THE PLATE. IMAGINE THE STRAND STRETCHING, LONGER - LONGER - AND MORE PAINFULLY, AND THEN SNAPPING, SO THE SECOND HALF OF THE SPAGHETTI STRAND FALLS FROM THE FORK, ONTO THE FLOOR, WHERE IT IS EATEN BY A FURRY, WHITE CANADIAN RAT, WHO LOOKS A LOT LIKE JOSE BAUTISTA, WHO SWALLOWS THE TAINTED STRAND, GRABS ITS BELLY AND THEN KEELS OVER OVER, DEAD.

5. THINK: "ONAVAP... LRAC... AWAGI... IEK... DAMMIT."

Friends, let's be honest here: This descent into madness is not something we're proud of or happy about. But last night, A-Rod's pop foul down the right field line landed a half-inch from fair territory, where it would have driven in at least two runs and altered the course of the game. Then, in the eighth, the shameful called third strike against Brett Gardner was an example of the kind of fraudulent, hometown fix you get when you play in a third world country that would happily frack its mother for a 30-rack of Labatts. The Blue Jays are not only using juju, but they have pictures of the umpires partying with Jared from Subway. 

TONIGHT, WE CHANNEL "INDEPENDENCE DAY," THE GREATEST JINGOISTIC HYPED MOVIE IN AMERICAN HISTORY. ON JULY 2, THE ALIENS ARRIVE! ON JULY 3, THE ALIENS STRIKE! BUT ON JULY 4... or in this case, September 22... WE STRIKE BACK!  





"ONAVAP... LRAC... 
AWAGI... IEK... DAMMIT."

11 comments:

John M said...

Get the Hulk. Get Batman. Get Iron Man. Hell, even get Ant Man.

We have to win the next two. Gotta. No two ways about it.

Let Eovaldi pitch with an inflamed elbow. Glue him to Tanaka, his elbow is fine, he just needs Eovaldi's hammy.

Gotta gotta gotta.

Ken of Brooklyn said...

ALL HANDS ON DECK > ALL HANDS ON DECK!!!!!!!!

John M's right, gotta win the next two, by any and all means, hook or crook! That call on Gardner last night was horrendous & blatant, and when ARod missed clearing the bases by half an inch, I knew El Duque would plan to summon the Dark Forces the for an EFFIN' INTERVENTION!!!!!

TOP OF THE SECOND IIHIIFIIC< BRING IT ON!

ceeja said...

I'm sick and tired of these Canadian fuckers. We should have taken care of these bastards in 1812. I say let's win the next two games and then burn down their crappy little dome on the way out of town. The pricks.

The Sayonara Kid said...

Locked and loaded.

KD said...

We need to crush them and convert them to Christianity.

ceeja said...

Absolutely KD, and then lets build a 3,000 mile wall to keep them out of this great country of ours.

The Donald said...

Ceeja, what are you doing the next 8 years?

T. Cruz said...

Yeah, what you guys said!

James K. Polk said...

54 40 or fight!

John M said...

God damn Miller. He has to pick tonight to be mortal.

God damn Army jeep.

Tom said...

IT WORKED!!!