SUMMONING THE SECRET WORLD YANKEE JUJU-LUMINATI NETWORK...
CRYING OUT TO ALL UNDERGROUND YANKEE LONE JIHADIST BOOK AND SUPPER CLUBS...
AWAGI... IEK... DAMMIT"
A GLOBAL JUJU INTERVENTION,
IN THE TOP OF THE 2nd,
IN THE TOP OF THE AFOREMENTIONED INNING - (That's the 2nd; we'll probably be down by four) - ALL YANKEE FANS, FAMILIES OF FANS AND PAID YANKEE OPERATIVES - (You know who you are) - ARE HEREBY INSTRUCTED TO DO THE FOLLOWING:
1. STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOUR TELEVISION, RADIO, COMPUTER OR ELECTRONIC YANKEE INTAKE INSTRUMENT, (or EY-I-I.)
2. WHILE FACING SAID DEVICE, PERFORM A TIGHT 360- DEGREE SPIN, CLOCKWISE. (Think of a clock.) DO NOT SPIN TOO QUICKLY, AS IT COULD CAUSE YOU TO LOSE BALANCE. IN CASE OF IMPAIRMENT, HOLD ONTO SOMETHING.
3. WHEN YOU HAVE COMPLETED ONE COMPLETE ROTATION, RECITE THE FOLLOWING WORDS -
AWAGI... IEK... DAMMIT!"
AWAGI... IEK... DAMMIT!"
(That's Kei Igawa, Carl Pavano, spelled backwards. Plus "Dammit.")
DO NOT SAY THESE WORDS SO LOUDLY THAT YOU WOULD BE THROWN OUT OF A CHURCH, SYNAGOGUE, BAR OR RALLY FOR DONALD TRUMP. FEEL FREE TO WHISPER THEM. THERE IS NO REASON TO GET DETAINED OR TASED.
4. AFTER SAYING THE WORDS, CONCENTRATE ON THE EY-I-I AND PROJECT ALL RIZZUTONIC DEATH RAYS ("REGGIEs," see above) INTO SAID DEVICE.
FOCUS ON ON THE SHOULDER OF THE BLUE JAYS PITCHER. IMAGINE A LONG STRAND OF SPAGHETTI DANGLING ON A FORK, WITH SAUCE DRIPPING TO THE PLATE. IMAGINE THE STRAND STRETCHING, LONGER - LONGER - AND MORE PAINFULLY, AND THEN SNAPPING, SO THE SECOND HALF OF THE SPAGHETTI STRAND FALLS FROM THE FORK, ONTO THE FLOOR, WHERE IT IS EATEN BY A FURRY, WHITE CANADIAN RAT, WHO LOOKS A LOT LIKE JOSE BAUTISTA, WHO SWALLOWS THE TAINTED STRAND, GRABS ITS BELLY AND THEN KEELS OVER OVER, DEAD.
5. THINK: "ONAVAP... LRAC... AWAGI... IEK... DAMMIT."
Friends, let's be honest here: This descent into madness is not something we're proud of or happy about. But last night, A-Rod's pop foul down the right field line landed a half-inch from fair territory, where it would have driven in at least two runs and altered the course of the game. Then, in the eighth, the shameful called third strike against Brett Gardner was an example of the kind of fraudulent, hometown fix you get when you play in a third world country that would happily frack its mother for a 30-rack of Labatts. The Blue Jays are not only using juju, but they have pictures of the umpires partying with Jared from Subway.
TONIGHT, WE CHANNEL "INDEPENDENCE DAY," THE GREATEST JINGOISTIC HYPED MOVIE IN AMERICAN HISTORY. ON JULY 2, THE ALIENS ARRIVE! ON JULY 3, THE ALIENS STRIKE! BUT ON JULY 4... or in this case, September 22... WE STRIKE BACK!
AWAGI... IEK... DAMMIT."