Sunday, September 13, 2015

Hey Google, you made a mistake: Your definition of "Hapless" doesn't mention the New York Yankees

Well, so much for that.

Just in time for football and pumpkin beer, the Retrieval Empire yesterday ended its quest for the 2015 AL East divisional title. From now on, that painful screeching sound will be Brian Cashman's fingernails digging into the chalkboard, as the team slides out of playoff contention.

And I say... let it happen.

Bring it on, juju gods! Let's lose today. Let's make it a five-a-half game deficit. Let's lose six straight at home. Let it rain! Let it sleet! Let mother nature piss all over this sorry excuse for a sports franchise. Let the terrorists win! Unleash the kraken of mediocrity! Let's blow this thing up. Let's put this dog down.

Wasn't there a time when the New York Yankees stood for something? When there was a "mystique" about the pinstripes, about "the House that Ruth Built," about winning? Must have imagined it.

Nope, now, we have five more years of Jacoby Ellsbury in centerfield - five more years at - what? - twenty million a season? He doesn't hit for power, he doesn't hit for average, he doesn't steal bases, but on the bright side: he's always hurt! Hey, we have two more years of Chase Headley - Chase Headlice, from now on - who came up yesterday in the eighth with the bases loaded and one out, facing a pitcher who had just walked the previous batter, and who hadn't thrown a pitch near the strike zone. So what does old Chase do? Birds gotta fly, Chase gotta chase! He swings at ball two, hitting a nice, juicy pop up. Two more years of Headley! This from an ownership that lectures its fans about being frugal.

Chasen Shreve. Wow. Let him pitch, Yankees. Bring him back. If you fall off the horse, the best remedy is to climb back on, right? All he's done is get hammered this month. To bring him in is to pull your goalie. But hell, didn't we have a Chris Capuano sighting, too? And did I imagine it, or did the YES Excuse Brigade actually claim that Capuano's groin injury in spring training kept him from having a good year. Huh? The Yankees got him off the scrap heap last year. Guy was DFAed three times this season, without anybody picking him up! Is that a record? Can we make it four? CAN WE DFA THE GUY ONE MORE TIME, JUST FOR POSTERITY?

Oh, why am I sitting here, pounding this keyboard? What am I accomplishing in life, wasting my time, watching this rancid, awful, pitiful organization? Oh... I forgot: It's to watch the Puppet Masters do their things. Sports Illustrated says Brian Cashman should go into the Hall of Fame! Oh, wonderful! I can't wait for the induction ceremonies. Because, by my estimate, all the Yankees have to do to field a great team again someday is get in line and await their turn. Hal "I'm Not Cheap" Steinbrenner doesn't have to sign anybody (that is, as long as corporations and fatcats keep buying out the stadium). Just come in dead last long enough - three to five seasons should do it - and by 2022, the Yankees should contend. Then Cashman can go straight into the hall. Dear god, I hate this team.

Oh, hell. Who are the Giants playing tonight? Dallas. They'll lose by 30. But they'll look like stars, compared to the Yankees. Let it rain, let it rain, let it rain.


Austria's Only Baseball Fan said...

OFF TOPIC, but since there is no general “Contact Us” address available here, please bear with me, and I hope this reaches Hart Seely in one of his guises:

Mr. Seely, I finally got a copy of and raced through your wondrous, heartfelt book, “The Juju Rules.” I literally laughed so hard in my doctor’s waiting room last week they thought I was having a seizure or something. I also cried – both from laughing, and from the human angle. (I flew to NYC late on the night of 9/09/2001 as I had secured tickets for a Yankees/Redsocks game the next night which was rained out, and found myself in lower Manhattan when the WTC attacks occurred the following morning.) It’s really not quite what I expected, and is a far more engrossing and personal chronicle that I thought it would be. Bravo, and thank you for sharing so many intimate – but relevant – parts of your life.

(By the way, no one is paying me to write this.)

I have now ordered multiple copies to be sent to American friends through One of them has been deemed “undeliverable” because I fucked up the address. Can you help me get my six bucks back?

Meanwhile, I will continue to stay up till 4 a.m. (or set the alarm for 4 a.m. for the dreaded West Cast games) to watch our current, once-upon-a-time heroes implode into nothingness, waiting for that inevitable phoenix of a team (under NEW management) to once again prove they are the best team in sports.

Ganz liebe Grüße aus Wien,

Austria’s Only Baseball Fan

el duque said...


Thanks for the kind words. You really lifted my spirits on this horrible weekend.

Supposedly, somewhere on this site - (damned, it's way too confusing for me) - there is my contact email.

It is...

Shoot me your address, and I'll send you a book... just for taking the time to write and pull me back off the ledge.

Also, for whatever it's worth, I have another book - nothing about the Yankees - coming out by Christmas. More on that to come.

el duque (alias Hart Seely)

Fan-tastisch said...

@austria's only baseball fan:
Now that I know you're from Vienna I know that there are two baseball fans in Austria. The other one (formerly known to me as Austria's only baseball fan) lives near Salzburg in a tiny village that goes by the name of Kuchl.
Not much to tell about Kuchl. It's there, that's about it.
But I thought mind want to know.

Fan-tastisch said...

Mind ought to be you might

Fan-tastisch said...

Mind ought to be you might

Ken of Brooklyn said...

El Duque,
Echoing Austria's Only Baseball Fan's sentiment, your wit and wisdom has been my only Yankee consolation throughout these disappointing years, NEVER underestimate the power of the cyber pat on the back that you give to all of us, honestly, it means more than you'll ever know!

steve said...

THREE more years for Headley, actually.

Tom said...

they signed Headley for four years? He's disposable. Four years? That's ridiculous.