Monday, September 7, 2015

Write this down: The Blue Jays are in a heap of trouble

The stinking 1927 Blue Jays won again yesterday. So what else is new? They never lose. Everybody knows that. They are God's latest gift to cold-brewed Canada, like fracking and Celine Dion. The fact is, Canada hasn't done squid-squat since Stephen Page left the Barenaked Ladies, and no matter what happens this October, Jose Bautista could enter a bar with a supermodel, but the crowd wouldn't take its eyes off the hockey game.

Summer is over, Canada. It's time to grab the shovel.

I am formally signing a CATEGORY 5 JUJU EXECUTIVE ORDER, which will bring losses and damnation to the Blue Jays team, organization, media, twitterverse, blogosphere and fans. This hex - which is also known as a curse - will not hinder Blue Jay players' family or pets. (We don't hurt kids and puppies, though in some cases, wives may develop yeast. I apologize if that happens. It's all part of winning ballgames.) 


Since August 1, when they added Babe Tulowitsky and Cy Price at the trade deadline, Toronto is 24 and 7. In that period, they have nearly scored twice as many runs as their opponents. In blowout games, when the difference is at least five runs - Toronto is 31-7. They have not just beaten teams, they have waterboarded them.

On July 8, they were eight games behind the Yankees. That lead, which seemed like load-bearing ice at the time, disappeared so fast that we seemed in a freefall. It sucked the joy from the first four months. 

But here's the rub: Like Donald Trump leading in the GOP polls, being hot in September can only mean being cold when the climax arrives. Toronto is not an .800 ballclub. They are not the greatest team in modern history.

And beginning today, they will face a juju reckoning.

Summer is over, Canada. Put down your brooms and pick up your shovels. Go back to your Crash Test Dummies albums. The world is about to get cold. Look! Up on that bracketed TV in the corner! IT'S A HOCKEY GAME!


Ken of Brooklyn said...

El Duque,
We the IIHIIFIIC Nation are ready to mobilize, just say the word, and the JUJU is ON!

Tom said...

Yes! It's a hockey game, and if we're losing we can try to kick their collective ass.

John M said...

A brawl does seem in order. There isn't enough passionate hatred between them and us.

Oh, wait. They're Canadian.

BJs 4 Bosocks 11 said...

And so it begins

Dutchfan said...

Looking at last night, just thinking about an intervention, let alone an executive order works it's magic. Permafrost reigns.