Wednesday, September 9, 2015

The Yankees are down to stems and seeds, and there's only one castaway left on the isle of Scranton

Yesterday, Brian 3000 - the Yankees' artificially intelligent super-computer, (who was recently nominated by Sports Illustrated for the Baseball Hall of Fame) - confirmed that both Nathan Eovaldi and Mark Teixeira might watch the rest of the season, which would also make them spectators in a nine-inning, wild card, Texas-style Cage Match. Trouble is, Yankee bones are not done cracking. With three weeks left, there still remain gonads to go bump in the dark. The Yankee casualty count is never zero. From here on in, it's the Yankee farm replacements against Toronto and its farm replacements, who hopefully are also needed soon. (A Juju Hex Watch remains in effect.)  

But Scranton's cupboard looks bare. The Railriders' lineup is a confusion of Double A lugnuts and organizational wanderers: Cave, Castillo, Figuroa, Judge, Segedin, Gamel, Dugas, Culver, Pettit, Roller, Graterol. The big name, of course, is Aaron Judge, who kicked Yankee prospect huggers in the nut-sacks last month by hitting a Lenn Sakata-ian .226. He might be great someday, but he's not the 2015 Luis Severino of the outfield.

Nevertheless, buried in the Scranton coal yards is one last rivet, ready to emerge if somebody must - as the ads say - seek medical attention immediately due to an erection lasting four hours or more. Slade Heathcott, who flew like a mayfly for a week, made some nice plays, hit a HR, tweaked a Willie Stargell and fell off the radar like Flight 370. About three weeks ago, Heathcott returned from the DL and couldn't hit a fast ball with a tennis racket. Lately, he has had a few decent games. But the Yankees already have a base-stealing threat in Rico Noel - (oh, why, why, why couldn't they get a man on base last night, and then bring in Noel to steal?) - and Heathcott may have been lost in the OF rugby scrum.

That is, until the next injury. Because injuries never take a day off.

Brett Gardner is playing with a Venus di Milo shoulder, and Ellsbury is always nursing something. A-Rod is hot, but brittle, and Beltran the dinosaur is always one asteroid strike from extinction. We have an entire rotation of second-basemen, but it's going to be Stephen Drew, Stephen Drew, Stephen Drew. (Let's face it: Rob Refsnyder will have a fine career in some other city - (See Cervelli, Frankie) -  and the only question is what Brian 3000 will get in return. Dustin Ackley - the 2015 Yankee Trade Acquisition of the Year - will someday receive a Yankee plaque near the water cooler.) 

As for starting pitchers, it's worse. There is no Luis Severino in Scranton. From now on, there are Double A names who - this time next year - could form a new crop of Chase Whitleys and David Phelpses. There is no starter to tap, not even a Wally Whitehurst.

Toronto won last night in a game that eerily matched the Yankees' battle against Baltimore. Tied going into the ninth, the Blue Jays put it together, while the Yankees fell apart. And yesterday, they were adding Marcus Strohman to their rotation, while we were deleting Eovaldi from ours. It sounds bad. Still, they have to beat us over seven games. And one of these days, maybe a Canadian gonad will bark. Jose Bautista, I'm talking to you.

4 comments:

ceeja said...

Yanks have only themselves to blame. They are back to their limp-d*cked ways at the plate. Tanaka pitched his heart out and all you do is score one lousy run against a tomato-can for a pitcher? Please.

Do we really want this team to make the postseason? You know they'll fall on their face. Nobody will hit and the crowd will lynch Drew after the game.

KD said...

Lynching Drew? Count me in. Alphonso won't be able to stop us!

KD said...

Get him! Get Steven Drew!!

Leinstery said...

This team fucking sucks. Girardi manages the bullpen and puts together a lineup with the same amount of success that a 12 year old mongoloid kid would have in chemistry class. Also god forbid someone attempts to work a walk. No swing at the first pitch again, that seemed to work out well the last 500 times you did it. And what the fuck happened to Gardner? Was his last hit before the All Star break? How are there 13 guys in the bullpen but only two can pitch? Scratch that, seeing as Betances has burned out from overuse, 1 guy that can pitch. Alas, this team is doomed to have their bullpen pitch way more than needed (because you know the binder says so), have untimely hitting, injuries galore, and fucking Ivan Nova going out every 5th day for eternity. Fuck this team.