Thursday, September 3, 2015

Stay Evil: The Yankees have one more month to keep proving everybody wrong.

Today, I shall bend over, press my nose into the honeypot, and eat crow. Stephen Drew crow. Yes, Stephen "Larrupin Lou" Drew crow. For five months, I have been bellowing at the player, the manager, the team and the cosmos over what I've viewed as the baseball equivalent of a ruptured billiard. All season, Drew has been hitting comfortably below .200 - without changing his swing, his stance or, I suspect, his underwear. The Yankees persisted in playing him. The Yankees refused to bench him or - as many Yankee fans would want - to neuter him. Yet now, HOLY CRAP! Something has happened. Drew is 9 for his last 12! His average is up to .211. Who knows how high it could climb? Is .230 in reach? (We'll get nose bleeds!) Stephen Drew is hitting. He's fielding. And as long as he continues... I WAS WRONG, YOU HEAR ME? I. WAS. WRONG.

Carlos Beltran? It's time to say it. I retched when they signed him to a three-year deal. Throughout 2014, I ranted and raged. Three years of an ex-Met. Three stinking years! Well, I'm not saying that deal will go down as the second buying of Manhattan, but you know where we would be without Carlos? Fourth. He has lifted his average to the .280s. He is hitting with power. His HR yesterday was the kill-shot. I WAS FRICKIN WRONG!.

Chris Young? I WAS WRONG. Chase Headley? WRONG. Letting David Robertson go? WRONG. Chris Capuano? Well... hm-mm... nobody is always wrong, eh? A-Rod? Let's face it: Every Yankee fan in captivity knew he and Tex would hit if they were healthy, but they were sure to break down. Those chickens came home. Let's just see how right we are...


All I ask, ye kind and generous mythical figures, is one for ONE MORE STUPIDITY, one more collective grunt of ignorance, in this potentially memorable season. Make me wrong on CC Sabathia!

Make me look like Rickie Ledee trying to coax a hit against Randy Johnson. Make me swing and hurt myself. Because I - and 95 percent of the Yankiverse - now view CC as one French fry shy of a Happy Meal, with his only shot of helping this team coming out of the bullpen. But Joe intends to start him. O, please - ye imaginary Babadooks - show us up, one more time! Make us wrong again.

Help us wipe the smirks from those beery, inbred, hockey dullards to the north. There is nothing worse than coming in second to Canadians. I'd almost rather lose to Tampa, because at least you can spend the winter mocking them as "Tampons." Please, O, juju gods, I beseech you... give us one more glaring, imbecilic, Rich Kotite/Isaiah Thomas-level error of judgment. MAKE US WRONG, MAKE US WRONG, MAKE US WRONG.


KD said...

What Joe did to Rico Noel last night was truly evil.

Rufus T. Firefly said...


Is this double reverse juju?

...or have I ruined it by mentioning it?

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Wait a minute --

isn't the Mendoza line .215? That *was* his lifetime batting average.