Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Write this down: The Blue Jays are done,,, cooked, kaput, in the ground.

Canadians have no business in the game of baseball. There's no puck. No facial scars. Canadians dream of visiting warm and temperate Minnesota. What are they doing, leading the AL East? If Toronto wants a baseball trophy - usually, they prefer a cup, something to drink from - they should set up a Canadian league and play against Bamffff, or Bumfuckit or Walrus Bone Falls.

Mark these words: The 2015 Toronto Blue Jays super-team is a now piece of Canadian junk history, like Ma and Pa Sasquatch. In his second term, President Trump will build his Northern wall, and we will be done with them.

BY EXECUTIVE ORDER, A BLANKET LETHAL DOSE OF UNCUT, FELONY-GRADE JUJU HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO THE TORONTO BLUE JAYS, THEREBY ELIMINATING THE TEAM FROM THE 2015 PENNANT RACE.

It's over, Canada. In my book, you still won the War of 1812. (When they burn down your White House, game over, pally, you lose. It's that simple.) I'm sorry to have to invoke this JUJU thingy, but frankly, Canada has pissed me off. They used to make sense, politically. Now, they're like a frozen version of Alabama. Moreover, I don't like Jose Bautista. For years, the guy can't hit a lick, then suddenly he's challenging NASA for moon shots, and nobody says, "Huh?" If a Yankee infielder ever hit an upper-decker, before the next dawn, Bud Selig had ex-CIA agents combing through his dumpster. Toronto has Bautista, practically the testimonial to Captain America's Super Soldier Serum, and the writers say, "Oh, what a heartwarming story of self-improvement through hard work and gritty vitamin-taking!" Well, I tell you: They pissed me off.

BY ORDER OF COMMON JUJU LAW, IT'S TIME FOR THE BLUE JAYS TO RETURN TO THEIR NORMAL STATE OF SOMEWHERE BETWEEN SHABBINESS AND QUANDRY.

I hate going alone on this. I'm like Obama and Congress. I tried working with the other teams. I sought compromise. They just pissed me off. For years, I sought consensus on issues - such as Roger Maris belonging in the Hall of Fame. Nobody listened. Do you know that if you drive through North Dakota and stop for gas, they have to mention that the place was home to Roger Maris? It's a state law. And yet... the guy is NOT in the Hall? Incredible! They'll put Barry Bonds in the Hall, if they can fit his head through a service entrance. But not Maris. So I'm doing this. I'm pressing the red button. I'm like that wormy guy in season five of Lost - the most aptly titled TV show in history - who finds the universal time and space mechanism and turns it, propelling the show even deeper over the ledge. That's what I'm doing. I don't care.

I AM INVOKING THE JUJU GODS, BY RULE OF COMMON DECENCY, TO END THIS TORONTO BLUE JAY VICTORY RUN - NOW. 

I made the announcement Monday. Hours later, Toronto lost to the Redsocks and Jackie Yastremski Jr. They got bombed.

Well, Boston, it's time for your playoff run! You can cut the Wild Card deficit down to - I dunno - twenty? And it's time for Toronto to do what every Canadian dreams of doing: Yes, friends, it's time to go south. 

5 comments:

John M said...

Zero comments. Is this a sign of complacent agreement, or of hopelessness in the face of losing Eovaldi and CC seemingly on the way back?

Tom said...

Brilliant! This is Pulitzer-quality writing, artfully argued. The Juju Gods may be capricious, but surely they will be impressed.

You make many good points. Joey Bats went from utility infielder to league-leading slugger in half a second? Plus, he's an A-hole. Somebody should put a fastball in his earhole. And you don't mention Donaldson, but he's showing the classic symptoms of enhanced improvement -- irritable and easily offended at perceived slights, ridiculously good at hitting the ball a long way -- MLB's secret police should come out on the field during a pitching change to draw some of his blood for testing.

And how did all their pitchers get good at the same time? It's about time for the clock to strike midnight and for the carriage to turn back into a pumpkin.

KD said...

another thing about the BJs is that they steal signs from center field and relay them to the batter. if it seems like the batters know what's coming, it's because they DO!

KD said...

So, Eovaldi is down. Time to send out a search party for Warren. I hear he is holed up in a Unibomber-style shack somewhere in the Jersey Pinelands.

anyone else here have the impression the next guy to go down will be Betances?

Honey Barnes said...

So it is written....So let it be done. I hope that was a secure server that sent that edict.