Hey Google, you made a mistake: Your definition of "Hapless" doesn't mention the New York Yankees

Well, so much for that.

Just in time for football and pumpkin beer, the Retrieval Empire yesterday ended its quest for the 2015 AL East divisional title. From now on, that painful screeching sound will be Brian Cashman's fingernails digging into the chalkboard, as the team slides out of playoff contention.

And I say... let it happen.

Bring it on, juju gods! Let's lose today. Let's make it a five-a-half game deficit. Let's lose six straight at home. Let it rain! Let it sleet! Let mother nature piss all over this sorry excuse for a sports franchise. Let the terrorists win! Unleash the kraken of mediocrity! Let's blow this thing up. Let's put this dog down.

Wasn't there a time when the New York Yankees stood for something? When there was a "mystique" about the pinstripes, about "the House that Ruth Built," about winning? Must have imagined it.

Nope, now, we have five more years of Jacoby Ellsbury in centerfield - five more years at - what? - twenty million a season? He doesn't hit for power, he doesn't hit for average, he doesn't steal bases, but on the bright side: he's always hurt! Hey, we have two more years of Chase Headley - Chase Headlice, from now on - who came up yesterday in the eighth with the bases loaded and one out, facing a pitcher who had just walked the previous batter, and who hadn't thrown a pitch near the strike zone. So what does old Chase do? Birds gotta fly, Chase gotta chase! He swings at ball two, hitting a nice, juicy pop up. Two more years of Headley! This from an ownership that lectures its fans about being frugal.

Chasen Shreve. Wow. Let him pitch, Yankees. Bring him back. If you fall off the horse, the best remedy is to climb back on, right? All he's done is get hammered this month. To bring him in is to pull your goalie. But hell, didn't we have a Chris Capuano sighting, too? And did I imagine it, or did the YES Excuse Brigade actually claim that Capuano's groin injury in spring training kept him from having a good year. Huh? The Yankees got him off the scrap heap last year. Guy was DFAed three times this season, without anybody picking him up! Is that a record? Can we make it four? CAN WE DFA THE GUY ONE MORE TIME, JUST FOR POSTERITY?

Oh, why am I sitting here, pounding this keyboard? What am I accomplishing in life, wasting my time, watching this rancid, awful, pitiful organization? Oh... I forgot: It's to watch the Puppet Masters do their things. Sports Illustrated says Brian Cashman should go into the Hall of Fame! Oh, wonderful! I can't wait for the induction ceremonies. Because, by my estimate, all the Yankees have to do to field a great team again someday is get in line and await their turn. Hal "I'm Not Cheap" Steinbrenner doesn't have to sign anybody (that is, as long as corporations and fatcats keep buying out the stadium). Just come in dead last long enough - three to five seasons should do it - and by 2022, the Yankees should contend. Then Cashman can go straight into the hall. Dear god, I hate this team.

Oh, hell. Who are the Giants playing tonight? Dallas. They'll lose by 30. But they'll look like stars, compared to the Yankees. Let it rain, let it rain, let it rain.