Yanks unveil the 2016 coaching staff, also known as The Expendables

The hand-painted human chess pieces are coming into place in Brian Cashman's annual duel of wits against Death - or this year, Dave Dombrowski. This week, the E-Empire unveiled its 2016 coaching staff, fracking the gonads of every fan who dreams in midnight blue technicolor. In terms of impact, this goes up there with the news that Bobby Jindal has pulled out of the Presidential race.

Nevertheless, whenever a 2016 Yank needs a word of coachmanship - be it in the dugout, the pen, the clubhouse or the loo - rest assured that he shall receive tidbits of moral wisdom, emotional support and a fatherly pat on the bung. The Yankees might be out-pitched, out-spent and out-played next year, but they will not be out-coached. Here's the lineup.

Manager (Brain): Joe Girardi.

Bench Coach (Keeper of the Binder): Rob Thomson

Hitting Coach (First Scapegoat): Alan Cockrell

Assistant Hitting Coach (Assistant First Scapegoat): Marcus Thames

Pitching Coach (Consigliere): Larry Rothschild

First Base Coach (Caribbean Ambassador): Tony Pena

Third Base Coach (The Lonely One): Joe Espada

Bullpen Coach (Answering Service): Mike Harkey.

Sorry for the snarky tone here, but until Hal's Pals win a post-season game, or spend down some of Steinbrenner Mountain's gold, that's what they'll get. This is a fine, august list of manly men - who am I to judge? - most notable for its lack of a former Yankee star. No Mariano (who will someday make a great pitching coach). No Posada (who will someday make a great manager). Not even a Brosius (who hooked up with the Mariners last week as a batting coach.) And yes, no Jeter (who will someday make a great Marvel Avenger). This new coaching staff is made up of guys who could be fired for using the wrong fork.

At some point, the Core Four will yearn to return to the game. I would hate to see them in other uniforms - not because we owe them, but because maybe their voices would actually be heard.

The Yankees seem to use the YES Network as the 2020 Full-Employment Act for Retired Stars, and that's fine. It's nice to hear Coney and Tino complaining about how much O'Neill eats, but year after year, the Yankees send a staff of expendables to coach a team of no-trade-clause millionaires, and that's how you end up with players who cannot bunt or hit to the opposite field.

At times last year, it seemed as though the de facto hitting coach was A-Rod, just as Mariano once served as primary mentor to the pitching staff. The Yankees certainly have enough veterans to lead this team, but did they last year? Gardy and Ellsbury refused to take days of rest, despite being compromised by fatigue and injury. A-Rod begged off chances to play the field. Tex was Tex, but the meltdown of CC Sabathia was inexcusable. (ll want CC to get better, and everybody's happy that he's gone through rehab. But where were
The Yankee meltdown last year was horrible to behold, a stain on the franchise. It practically negated an otherwise decent season. Do we now have coaches whose voices will be heard? (Will anybody practice bunts?) Or yesterday, did they just unveil a zombie lineup of the doomed?