Virtual Home Opener! Yanks Route Blue Jays. Near Eagle Tragedy Averted.

Back on their home turf at last, the Yanks bombarded Toronto today, 13-6, before their smallest Opening Day crowd since 1919.

In their new effort to increase ballpark revenue, Les Freres Steinbrenner were found to have removed the entire bleacher sections of Yankee Stadium III for more Legends Suites.  Along with the new, Legends X-tra Wide Seats now in the upper decks, capacity was reduced to 17,436 in the steadily shrinking Stadium.

But what a game the capacity crowd got to see!

After surrendering massive, first-inning home runs to the "Sons of Thunder," Vladimir Guerrero, Jr., and Bo "Not the One that Fool Cashman Picked" Bichette, Yankees starter J.A. Happ settled in and pitched six, relatively strong innings.

The Yanks' offense was bolstered by Miguel "El Matador" Andujar, who hit four blistering doubles today, one of which even shattered the glass in the front of a new Legends Suite.  New York was also helped out when former Yankees Brandon Drury and Billy McKinney collided on the field, allowing rest Gardner's pop fly to drop, and Gardy to run out an inside-the-park home run.

Drury and McKinney were expected to return to action sometime in late August.

Meanwhile, before the game began, Yankees general manager Brian Cashman attempted to entertain the crowd by rappelling down the face of the Stadium video screen, as he has frequently done along buildings to raise money for charity.

Tragedy was narrowly averted when Cashman, who was dressed in the elf outfit he customarily wears for such charity events, was unexpectedly attacked and mauled by "Challenger," the bald eagle which customarily circuits the Stadium at such events.

Challenger, who was originally named "Tovarish," was imported from its native Albania, where the rock-climbing lizards Albanian eagles customarily feed on, bear an uncanny resemblance to the costumed Cashman.

"Is mistake.  He thought funny little man with hollow eyes is lunch," explained Challenger's handler, who would give his name only as "Boris."

Fortunately, the customary, $150 million flyover by U.S. Navy jets distracted Challenger/Tovarish long enough for the general manager—bloodied but still conscious—to make his escape.

"I'm an adrenaline junkie," Cashman later proclaimed from his hospital bed.

"If we had really needed him today—if we needed to make a big trade that gave away our future or to sign a free agent who would be a permanent millstone around our necks—he would've been there for us," Manager Ma Boone assured the press.

Meanwhile, Yankees slugger Giancarlo Stanton was reported to be recovering on schedule in a Tampa hospital from his case of food poisoning.