MAYDAY, MAYDAY: WE ARE CALLING FOR AN INTERNATIONAL JUJU INTERVENTION.... TODAY, TODAY, TODAY

ALERT THE MEDIA. (Ok, this is the media,) CALL YOUR FRIENDS. WAKE UP YOUR PARENTS. DRIVE THE STREETS. UNVEIL THE SOUND TRUCK. TELL EVERYBODY YOU GODDAMM KNOW...

IT IS TIME FOR AN INTERNATIONAL JUJU INTERVENTION.

TODAY. THIS AFTERNOON. BOTTOM OF THE SECOND INNING OF THE GAME AGAINST BALTIMORE. (Approximately: 1:35 P.M. E.S.T.)

IN THAT MOMENT, WE MUST CHARGE THE MOUND. MILLIONS OF US. BILLIONS OF US. TRILLIONS OF US. (Hello, China:

费芒德 费芒德)

IN THE SECOND INNING, GO TO THE NEAREST  TV SET, RADIO, CELLPHONE OR ELECTRONIC DEVICE - (In rare cases, people have been known to receive radio transmissions through dental work; in such instances, just stand there and tune into the Yankee game.) CONCENTRATE ALL YOUR LIFE FORCE INTO A WORMHOLE TRANSMISSION FLOWING DIRECTLY TO THE YANKEES.

HELL, YOU'RE NOT GONNA NEED THAT LIFE FORCE. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH IT, INVENT A CURE FOR THE GOUT? GIVE IT UP, DAMMIT.

WE DID THIS ONCE BEFORE. ON MAY 21, AN INTERNATIONAL JUJU INTERVENTION TURNED AROUND THE YANKEE SEASON. THE TEAM WENT ON A 20-4 STREAK. (Note: But there was a delayed reaction; it didn't take full impact until the following game; it's possible that we won't feel the impact until Friday.) THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ACTION YOU WILL TAKE AS A YANKEE FAN THIS YEAR, OR MAYBE FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE, FACELESS YANKEEFAN LIFE. BUT IF YOU DO NOT TAKE PART IN THIS JUJU INTERVENTION, THE YANKEE TEAM WILL CONTINUE TO LOSE, AND YOU WILL HAVE NO RIGHT TO COMPLAIN.

THIS IS NOT AN OPTION. THIS IS REAL. THIS IS SOLID ANECDOTAL SCIENCE. THOSE WHO DISAGREE ALSO SAID THERE WAS NO SUCH THING AS THE HIGGS BOSON. THEY ARE CUBS FANS. THEY ARE FOOLS.

TODAY, WE MAKE HISTORY.

TAKE TO THE STREETS. TAKE TO THE LIVING ROOMS. TAKE TO THE BARS. MEET US IN THE ASTRAL PLANE.

TODAY IS THE DAY WE SAVE THE YANKEES, SAVE THE SEASON, SAVE THE WORLD, SAVE OUR MISERABLE BUTTS.

TODAY. SECOND INNING. BE THERE.

OR BE PREPARED TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE ASKING YOURSELF, WTF? HOW COULD I HAVE LET MY TEAM DOWN?