Wednesday, February 11, 2015

An easy solution to the A-Rod homerun bonus dispute

Supposedly, the Weasel Empire yesterday told A-Rod it won't pay the $6 million bonus in his contract, which he'll get for topping Willie Mays in career HRs. It's a huge dilemma, reminiscent of the Kobayashi Maru. But in the name of James Tiberius Kirk, there could be a solution.

(NOTE: This in no way is a defense of the human pig-monster known as "A-Rod." It is neither fashionable nor moral to defend the fiend, said to be the inspiration for the cult horror classic, "The Babadook." To root for A-Rod is like cheering for ISIS. Every chorus, every report, every mention of his foul name, should come with a track of jeers and hoots, led by the Coalition of the Brown Noses - ruled by generals Madden, Lupica, Harper and the Bristol-based beached white whale, Admiral Schilling - which function as the consciences of baseball. What's important here is that fans be encouraged to boo whenever A-Rod's face appears - like Malcolm McDowell in "A Clockwork Orange." The reflex must be honed. The Yankee ownership must never be held accountable because - wait a minute - enough talk: A-Rod? BOOOO.)

It seems to me this skirmish over $6 million can be easily diffused.

If it's not, it's because the two sides simply want a fight.

A-Rod should earmark the $6 million toward a prominent charity. He doesn't need the cash. This is clam dip money. What he needs is the currency of righteousness, (which he will probably never know for the rest of his life. Wait: I take that back. History is filled with villains who - after befouling their names - devoted the rest of their lives to worthy causes. It's also produced a fair amount of heroes who go on to soil their once-sterling reputations, like the beached white whale in Bristol.) The Yankees, after all, signed that ridiculous contract. If memory serves, they foisted it upon A-Rod at a time when most Yankee fans were happy to say goodbye, due to his opt-out decision.

Put the money toward charity. It's so simple. It's so easy. If they don't... what a bunch of losers.


KD said...

Is there verbiage in Al's contract stating if he got busted with PEDs then the HR bonus was forfeit? If not, Big Al should get his money and do whatever he wants with it.

BTW, you won't hear me booing Al, unless he goes into an end-of-career Soriano-like tailspin. But I doubt he'd be on the field long enough for that to happen. To be sure, the long knives have already been ordered.

Mustang said...

He doesn't have any charity in him, except for the useless, self-aggrandizing "raising awareness" variety. A-Rod is a slumlord to the bone.

John M said...

They won't. Because they are a bunch of losers.

While a lot of people think A-Rod is an evil, horrible person (hey, Mustang, how are ya?) --and he very well might be -- ok, probably is -- I can't help but see him as less evil and more just the most completely bizarre personality ever to grace a diamond. There's something almost alien about his inability to process reality as most of us know it, the occasional mushroom-fueled weekend excepted.

There is more than just bad going on there. It's deeper and weirder and more complicated than that. His thought processes and emotional reactions should be studied for future generations to marvel at and perhaps learn from.

Or we can get in touch with Mulder and Scully and maybe their little gray buddies could beam him up for some tests. Hell, he's probably one of them anyway.

KD said...

I wonder what kind of man Al would have become if his father hadn't abandoned his family when Al was only 9. All those years coming up as an elite athlete, everyone telling him his shit doesn't stink, and no father around to make sure his head was screwed on straight. (Jeet has a great dad that kept him grounded, remember.)

Al is not entirely an unsympathetic character to my eyes.