A-ROD TAKES GROUNDERS AT FIRST

A-ROD NEWS NETWORK _ (Tampa) Alex Rodriguez stunned the world yesterday by taking grounders at firstbase. The man known as A-Rod, normally a third baseman, literally moved across the diamond to field ground balls at first. In doing so, he was completely reversing the trajectory of throws, although he will not need to make the long throw from third to first, because he is already on first.

While taking grounders at firstbase, it meant A-Rod was not fielding them at thirdbase, because of one of the fundamental laws of physics, which says that an object cannot be in two places at once. For that reason, A-Rod's move to first base was especially apparent to onlookers, many of whom were heard to be yelling, "Look! A-Rod is taking grounders at firstbase." As they yelled, they pointed to firstbase. If A-Rod had been playing at thirdbase, this would not have happened.

(Note to editor: Insert 12-inch B copy block of A-Rod history here.)

Fans say A-Rod looked "interesting but slightly out of position" at firstbase.

"Normally, he's at third base," said a fan, who asked not to be named. "But he was taking grounders at firstbase. That's interesting, but slightly out of position."

Several sources said the top Yankee brass are infuriated by A-Rod's decision to take balls at first, because it shows he craves nothing more than constant gratification. "For him to be playing first base now, that it the definition of self-love," said a source, who asked not to be named. "A-Rod is human garbage and universally loathed by teammates and fans alike. And you may quote me."

A-Rod, who is human garbage and universally loathed by players and fans alike, did not comment.

Stay tuned for more updates as they happen on the A-Rod News Network.

UPDATE BREAKING: A-Rod seen jogging in outfield. MORE TO COME.