Sunday, February 15, 2015

For the last two years, the Yankees have conducted elaborate farewell tours; this year, how about a season-long "apology" tour?

I woke up this morning - as always - pondering ways to help the Yankees. It is the thinking fan's job to constantly come up with strategic advantages, which could steal us a regular season win - and maybe propel us to a championship. Brian Cashman and Randy Levine have enough on their plates. We free-thinkers represent the Fourth Plank of Yankee Smart Power.

Here are my ideas.

1. This week, the Yankees announced that Alex Rodriguez can issue his long-awaited, heartfelt public apology somewhere in the steak house and disco catacombs of Yankee Stadium. This is a huge mistake.

I'm not saying he should rent a Ramada Airport ballroom or a Thruway rest stop. But A-Rod's apology needs to happen in a place of historical significance: Under the skirt of Lady Liberty or atop the Evil Empire State Building. My idea: A ticker tape parade along the Canyon of Apologies, with A-Rod on a flatbed, holding a bullhorn, speaking from the heart.

2. Which old Batman villain would John Sterling be most suited to play? It's obviously the Riddler - "Riddle me this, Batman, what cannot be predicted?" - but Frank Gorshin killed the role, and John would have to lose too much weight to fit in the tights. I'm thinking Egghead, which was played by Vincent Price, or the Mad Hatter (David Wayne.) The truth is, John would probably be better suited for a building-climb cameo scene. He could sell Batman some New York Life.

3. Back to A-Rod. He should do a year-long Apology Tour. It would be similar to the last two seasons, when Mariano Rivera and Derek Jeter traveled to each city and accepted special gifts, sort of like The Newlyweds Game grand prize, which was always selected for each winning couple.

In this case, though, instead of cowboy boots or rocking chairs, A-Rod will receive some creepy gag gift - plastic puke or a "Lordy, look who's 40" codger baby bib. He can put on the bib or hold up the glob of puke - allowing everyone to take a picture of him - as he apologizes. Beforehand, he might meet with selected fans - as Mo did - and apologize to them. Or HE can give each city a pair of cowboy boots or rocking chair! Need work on this. Oh, and he's got to cry. If he doesn't throw out serious tears, it doesn't register.

4. Write this down. SELFY STICK DAY at Yankee Stadium.

Do I even need to explain it?


Anonymous said...


el duque said...

Selfy sticks. Those sticks that extend outward four or five feet, so you can take selfies.

liveamovielife said...

At DisneyLand as I write this and I gotta say... SELFIE STICKS ARE TAKING OVER!!!! Just noticed that today. What the heck?!

KD said...

the days when you asked a stranger to snap a photo of you and yours? gone forever. too many ran off with the camera.