Ten reasons by why A-Rod's "apology" means nothing - NOTHING! - except that he hates America and should move to Russia

Nothing irks a Gammonitic-faith sportswriter more than having to - ONCE AGAIN - express moral indignation about something he (or she) is SICK AND TIRED of being super-righteous about! Dammit, didn't the SPIRITUAL PIGMY known as A-Rod think about what he is doing, so we don't have to RUN ANOTHER RAGING STORY about pure evil? How much bile can a morally superior keeper of truth be expected to spew? RIGHTEOUSNESS JUST DOESN'T GROW ON TREES, you know.

And NOTHING - NOTHING! - pisses off the writers more than some lying, pathological sociopath - WHO CAN'T HIT ANYMORE - who thinks an apology settles anything.

TEN REASONS WHY A-ROD'S APOLOGY MEANS NOTHING, NOTHING!

1. It was handwritten. HOW DARE HE! Technology creates a vast network based on the keyboards and touch screen, BUT IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH for Mr. Perfect That "heartfelt letter" has his heartfelt guilty fingerprints all over it. LEARN TO TYPE, DAMMIT.

2. It was too long, almost a page and a half. WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM? If he had just said, "I'm sorry," maybe that would have meant something. But he goes on - and on - and on. Apparently, he thinks he's David Foster Wallace, and he's writing "Infinte Jest." The just loves to hear himself scribble. Readers quit after the first 25 words. They got the gist of it. They clicked somewhere else. He's too good to apologize on Twitter? HELL WITH HIM.


3. His sentences were slanted. HE COULDN'T EVEN USE LINED PAPER! What's his problem with lined paper?

4. He has no credibility. NOBODY BELIEVES HIM. He might as well claim he saw Bigfoot last night. Everybody knows if he says it's sunny outside, you better bring a raincoat.

5. He doesn't mean it. HE ONLY APOLOGIZED BECAUSE PEOPLE WERE DEMANDING AN APOLOGY. He should have just kept his big fat mouth shut.

6. He has the gall to say some people won't accept his apology. WHO THE HELL IS HE TO SAY PEOPLE LACK THE GRACE TO FORGIVE? Why doesn't he just go away? If he moves to Antarctica, I bet those people will forgive him. Oh, but they're not ask great as the all-forgiving A-Rod, eh?

7. He didn't mention that he can't hit. HE CAN'T HIT. HE'S FORTY. HE WON'T BE ANY GOOD. He didn't lead the Yankees to any playoff appearance in 2013. Why doesn't he apologize for being old!

8. He didn't even use the word "steroids." A true apology should have include exact dates, dosages and game scores. HE WAS NOT SPECIFIC. Where are the details?

9. It was all about A-Rod. "I... I... I..." Everything is about him. WHAT ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE? Does he ever take into account other people? And to apologize on THE DAY AFTER PRESIDENTS DAY? What's the point? It's an affront to the nation. WHY DOES HE HATE AMERICA?

10. Nobody cares. NOBODY GIVES A DAMN! Does he really think we care? Because we don't. The last thing any sportswriters cares about is A-Rod. And they are CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO WASTE ANY MORE INK ON THE LIKES OF HIM. Because nobody cares. Not them. Not nobody. A-Rod? Who's he?